


oh, romeo!

by circlegame



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Dark Academia, F/F, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, References to Poetry, References to Shakespeare, cool moms, everyone is gay no one is happy this is my piece de resistance, gay girls, high school partying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 49,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27856816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/circlegame/pseuds/circlegame
Summary: "You worry about your friends too much. You need to worry about yourself a little bit."In which Neil Perry joins the Henley Hall production of Romeo and Juliet, and meets a pair of girl who change his life. Radicals Marguerite and Blossom start to change his life, and soon change his friend's as well. Along the way, the girls prove to know much more than he could ever fathom about love, friendship, and understanding who one truly is.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Charlie Dalton/Neil Perry, Charlie Dalton/Original Female Character(s), Knox Overstreet/Original Female Character(s), Original Female Character(s)/Original Female Character(s), Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 24
Kudos: 20





	1. i. New Beginnings

"We are stuff that dreams are made of." - William Shakespeare | The Tempest 

-

The cool air was just beginning to turn into fall, the long, hot days of summer were quickly coming to an end and the leaves were slowly beginning to turn into their rich, vibrant colors. September was on the cusp of beginning, and the air held that new, exciting promise in it.

Marguerite Leon sat in her desk chair, looking out at the town just beyond her reach. The bustle of her neighbors' children running around for their first days at the local high school was an experience Marguerite could only dream of having.

Marguerite's mother had provided her with a tutor for as long as the young girl could remember. Her mother was always away on business trips, helping children in Africa one day and designing fashion in Paris the next. If you asked Marguerite, she would have said her mother was a businesswoman. She loved her mother very much, and in turn, Amelia Leon loved her daughter.

But with business as usual, it was impossible for her to be home with her only child. So, Marguerite spent most days cooped up in her home, meticulously writing, spelling, and checking her schoolwork from the help of her tutor; Edeline Raven. She was someone Marguerite had truly grown to love.

Every year without fail for the past eighteen years, Edeline had come to teach Marguerite about the world around her. In turn, Marguerite learned languages, chemistry, English, and geography. Marguerite's mind was always a sharp one, and although she could have been a doctor; she had many other ambitions that laid within herself.

Marguerite's mother, Amelia, had festered dreams of becoming a movie star. However, her plans stopped when she met Marguerite's father, Ernest. They had met in Paris, bonding over their immense love of culture, film, art, and the need to settle in America. So, the two star-crossed lovers did what any young couple in love would do. They went to America, and began their lives in the small town of Wellings, Vermont.

As soon as they had settled, Ernest had died in a plane crash off the coast of Maine. Amelia's ambitions of the stage quickly wore away once her husband had been killed. She had become a widow and a mother all too soon, and Amelia didn't quite know what to do about it. Marguerite, in turn, didn't know much about her father, but she knew that the two had loved each other very much. Soon after Marguerite had come into the world, Amelia left her in charge of her trustworthy friend; Edeline, and the rest was history.

Marguerite had turned eighteen merely a week ago, and as Edeline didn't have to reside in the home when her mother was away on business any longer, the two old friends had spent it clearing Edeline's things out of the guest room. It was a bittersweet moment for both, because truthfully, Marguerite could not imagine a world where her tutor didn't live with her. Edeline wasn't just her tutor. She was her friend, and when she had officially left to live in her home full time, it felt like a part of her heart had gone with her.

With the house to herself, Marguerite was busy thinking of what the future would hold for her. Perhaps it was Amelia's calling to the stage that had drawn Marguerite to it, but she could never know. All she knew was that she yearned to taste all of the art around her. So every year, she went to the local theatre; and did all she could. In turn, the arts consumed her.

With the new school year starting for some of the peers she had met through theatre she felt a sense of a new beginning. The auditions for Romeo and Juliet were only a week away, and Marguerite had a feeling this year was finally the year that the arts would consume her entirely. She couldn't imagine a better play to be doing the year before she went away to college.

"Marguerite, did you finish your English essay?" Edeline asked, setting her bags down as she came into the house that she had so often called home.

"Yes, I did. Here it is," Marguerite smiled, handing Edeline her essay.

"Great. Here's your work for today. I figured we could start with French, then move on to chemistry and maybe we could get a little bit of trigonometry in today if we get through everything else."

"I don't see why we have to do trigonometry. You know I'm much better at anything other than math."

"Your chemistry grades aren't necessarily impressive either. Don't flatter yourself."

Marguerite chuckled, "You mean old bat."

"Come on. We've got to get you through this chapter before I die. Which might not be long... since I am an old bat."

"You know I was kidding, Edeline."

"You always say that." Edeline joined her in her laughter, "Your mom called me last night. She's doing really well. She just finished the work with the orphans in Sudan. She's in Paris for awhile now. She said she was sorry she hasn't called. She's been busy."

"I know she has."

Edeline stiffened, her brow furrowing. "She loves you, Marguerite. Your mother loves you very much."

"I know," Marguerite sighed, "I just miss her. That's all."

"I know. Now come on, I know you haven't touched your French work all summer."

"Of course I did some work!" Marguerite countered.

"Sure you did."

\---

"My darling gentlemen, another year is upon us!" Charlie cheered, entering Neil's room with his usual confident stride.

The opening ceremonies for Welton Academy were finally finished, and the boys were free to begin to settle into their rooms. They had congregated in and around Neil's room, their hope for the coming year evident on their faces.

"Charlie, shut up." Meeks rolled his eyes, "Hey, you're the new kid, right?"

Todd turned to the unfamiliar faces, quite overwhelmed by it all.

"This is Todd!" Neil smiled, and Todd was relieved by the save. He wasn't sure he knew how to talk to all of these boys quite yet. He wasn't normally good with crowds. He sent all of them a weak smile, and turned back to unpacking his things.

"How was your summer, Charlie?" Neil asked, laughing as Charlie plopped himself onto Neil's bed.

"It was amazing. I met this girl and let me tell you... she was smoking. An absolute babe. Pity she lived in France, though. I'll never see her again."

"Did you do anything when you were there other than some poor, innocent girls?"

"Neil, it was only one! And I was in love!"

"Sure you were." Neil laughed.

"Anybody do the trigonometry summer work? I didn't do any of it. Can I copy?" Pitts asked, squeezing into the door frame next to Knox.

"Yeah, come with me." Meeks rolled his eyes, and the two left together.

"Alright, it was good seeing you. Study group later?" Charlie asked, getting out of Neil's bed and going over to the door next to Knox. 

"I'll be there."

"Sounds good. Nice to meet you, Todd!" Knox called, and Charlie and him engaged into another conversation about girls as they left.

It was silent as Neil went to close the door to the shared dorm room. "I'm sure everybody will warm up to you soon, Todd. Want to join all of us at study group tonight?"

"Oh, uh, sure." Todd nodded his head, "That would be nice."

It became silent as the two boys commenced to unpacking for their new school year. Neil was excited that his new roommate was kind and easy to engage in a conversation if asked questions. Todd was nervous because he had been thrust into an entirely new environment with hardly any preexisting knowledge of what was going on. He wasn't sure if he was entirely nervous about the new school, though. He felt himself grow nervous whenever Neil would ask him another question. Which was happening quite a lot. Neil proved to be a very talkative boy.

Todd was hopeful that he and the rest of Neil's friends would get along this year. He had such a hard times making friends. They all seemed to be nice enough, and perhaps he could make his parents finally notice him if he did his best at Welton.


	2. ii. Auditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil meets best friends Blossom and Marguerite at auditions, and quickly gains a liking to them. They're radical in a way he's never seen before. It excites him to be around them.

"There is a voice inside of you That whispers all day long, 'I feel that this is right for me, I know that this is wrong.' No teacher, preacher, parent, friend, Or wise man can decide What's right for you—just listen to the voice that speaks inside." - Shel Silverstein | The Voice

-

As she found was always the case, the week following up to auditions seemed to move very quickly for Marguerite. With the hubbub of the start of another school year, she found time falling away from her as she focused on her studies. Edeline was over often, always helping and teaching her.

Marguerite had some supplies that she had to pick up from the local high school, and had made a few stops their as well. It was always a treat to stop by since she could peek into her friend's classes and say hello.

Marguerite had made many friends throughout her years of doing theatre in the small town, and she was very grateful for all of them. They were all like her. Kids full of promise who shared a love for theatre. She couldn't have imagined a world without all of them.

Before she knew it, she found herself driving to the theatre, eagerly awaiting the audition process. She hopped out of her car quickly, nearly forgetting to lock it as she ran into the familiar building. She engaged in conversations immediately with some of her friends who did crew, but then was over to the audition sign up table.

Marguerite took a piece of paper off of the table and grabbed the pencil from her tote bag. She sat down in one of the theatre's chairs that had a fold-out desk attached to it, and worked quickly to fill out her form.

She looked around to see who had come to the auditions, and she frowned when she noticed her best friend, Blossom, had not showed up yet. She did have a bad habit of being extremely late for everything, so Marguerite pushed her worries away. She saw Ron, the director and someone she was happy to call a friend; from the back of the audience, looking over the kids he was going to be working with for the next three months. She sent him a smile, and he waved at her.

Marguerite then went back to filling out her form, until a voice she could not recognize spoke up. "Excuse me, where can I get an audition form?" Marguerite picked her head up from her form and turned to the boy before her.

"That man in the back said to come ask you, so that's what I'm doing. I'm Neil Perry." Neil spoke, watching the girl in the seat in front of him.

"The forms are right over here." She answered, sending him a smile. "You can fill out one of these." She grabbed one off of the desk in front of her, and set it on the auditorium chair next to her. "I'm Marguerite Leon."

Neil sat down next to the pretty girl, and fished around in his coat pocket for a pencil. It didn't take him long to fill out his form, and Marguerite furrowed an eyebrow as she looked at him.

"Are you a theatre virgin?" She whispered, laughing softly. She was trying to fill out all of her past works, but it was becoming increasingly harder to remember all of the information that was asked for.

"What?" Neil asked, furrowing his brow at the girl in front of him.

"I'm just kidding." Marguerite smiled, "I know you're new. Welcome to the theatre!"

"Oh, fuck me." A familiar voice cursed, and Marguerite immediately leaped out of her seat, leaving Neil to his own devices.

"Blossom!" Marguerite called, excitedly pulling her best friend into a hug. "You ready for auditions?"

"Does it look like I'm fucking ready?" Blossom stressed, frantically trying to find a pencil in her mess of a book bag.

"Here," Marguerite grabbed her own off of her desk, and handed it to her.

"Thanks." Blossom took the seat next to Marguerite that wasn't occupied by Neil and sat her things down with a raise of the eyebrows. 'Who's the new kid?' Blossom mouthed, raising her eyebrows to look at Neil.

'New kid. Welton from the looks of it.' Marguerite mouthed back, watching Blossom widen her eyes.

'He's cute. Let's hope he's talented, though.' Blossom began to laugh, and Marguerite immediately followed suite, joining her.

Blossom Kingsley had been Marguerite's best friend for over ten years. She was a year younger than her, and the two had been practically joined at the hip for years. The pair had met in a production of Camelot, where they had played Tree 1 and Tree 2; respectively. They had been nearly inseparable ever since. Blossom attended the local high school, and was fairly popular among her peers. Blossom was quite a free spirit, just like her parents.

Blossom was always on the move, losing things and tripping over herself. She also had quite a foul mouth, but that was something Marguerite loved about her. Blossom was a very talented actress, and Marguerite was sad to think that this was the last show she would ever do with her before Marguerite parted their ways for college.

"I'm not ready for this." Blossom switched topics, fretting over the auditions. She tapped her pencil loudly on the desk as she spoke. "I mean, we all know I didn't pick a damn monologue for this, so I'm really just fucked."

"We don't need to have one. It's just cold reads."

"Oh, thank fuck." Blossom sighed, happily filling out the rest of her form. "You seen the old man recently?"

"Ron was here when I walked in. Not sure where he's off to now." Marguerite shook her head, turning back to Neil.

"Neil, this is my best friend, Blossom. Blossom, this is Neil, the theatre virgin."

Neil laughed, and extended a hand for Blossom to shake. Blossom was just as pretty as Marguerite was. They both seemed like very nice girls. He was hopeful that making friends would be easy for him here. They all must enjoy theatre here, and he had never really met anyone else who did; and that was thrilling to him.

"So," Marguerite asked, "What part are you going for?"

"Oh, I'm not really sure. I just really want to be a part of this." Neil shook his head.

"Everybody knows what part they're going for, Neil. Come on, tell us, pretty boy." Blossom urged.

Neil sent her a funny look from the nickname and laughed uneasily, "Well, Benvolio, I guess. Romeo, if I get lucky."

"I'm going for Juliet." Marguerite smiled.

"I'm going for the Nurse or Lady Capulet. I really just want to play this pretty lady's mom before I graduate, you know?" Blossom laughed, pressing a chaste kiss to Marguerite's cheek.

Neil smiled, feeling relieved. Blossom seemed to have nicknames for all her friends, and he immediately felt less uneasy. "I'm sure you two will get whatever roles you want."

"Thank you! I'm sure we'll be able to pull something out of our asses." Blossom smiled at him.

"Blossom, don't scare him off first audition!"

"I don't think you could scare me off. This was a spur of the moment decision, but there's no way I'm backing out of it now."

"Really?" Marguerite raised an eyebrow, "Are you here on a bet?"

"No!" Neil shook his head, "I'm here because I've always wanted to do this. My father just never let me. I didn't even ask him about this. I faked his signature so I could go."

"You faked a signature? You'll fit right in around here." Blossom laughed, threading her fingers between Marguerite's.

"You think so?" Neil asked, taking note at the girls in front of him.

"I think so."

"Yeah, I guess." Harry, one of the annoying theatre participates that Blossom and Marguerite didn't tend to associate with snickered from behind them. But even while Harry was annoying, they still had a soft spot for him. 

"Fuck off," Blossom pulled her hand out of Marguerite's and the two in turn flipped him off.

Neil had never seen this behavior in any teenage girls before, and he was utterly intrigued. They were cool and pretty and he knew that he was going to have an amazing time here. Blossom got up to turn her audition form in, and immediately cursed. "Oh, fuck me!" Blossom exclaimed, spilling the pencil cup on Ron's desk all over the floor as she handed in her paper.

"Blossom Kingsley, can I name a time where you didn't ruin everything I've ever tried to do?" Ron asked in his loud, booming voice as he came into the theatre.

The kids around turned their heads to the man. He wasn't necessarily old, probably in his mid fifties. The audience before him cheered, and he sent a cocky smile their way.

"Fuck you, old man. I'm quitting for real this year." Blossom sent him a scowl, but Ron just laughed.

"Hello, everyone! I am your director, Ron Oscar. You can call me Ron, if you chose. I'm very thrilled to see all of the young people who have shown up for auditions! This is very exciting. If you are not here to audition, please see Miss Edeline in the costume room down the hall and on your right. You can sign up to work backstage, if that's more of your style."

A few kids got out of the seats and meandered over in the way Ron had described. Marguerite smiled. Now was the big moment for her and the rest of the kids.

"Hand in your audition form when I ask you to read. Blossom, get yourself up here. Read for Juliet on page 44. I'd like the new kid to read for Romeo. What's your name, son?"

"Neil, Sir. Neil Perry."

"Don't call me Sir! That makes me feel old."

"You are old!" Blossom shot, gaining a nasty look from Ron.

"Sorry, Mr. Oscar." Neil quickly got up from his seat and handed him the audition form. He took the script from Ron's hand and followed Blossom up onto the stage.

"Ron, where do you want us to start?" Blossom looked over the lines, clearly ready to take on any part that was given to her. Blossom was very adaptable, and that was one of her best assets.

"Start with Romeo's line, 'But soft...' Begin whenever you two are ready."

Blossom sent Neil a reassuring smile, and he sent her one back. "Start." Blossom whispered, encouraging the new boy to begin the scene.

Marguerite's eyes were locked onto the stage. Her best friend was a force to be reckoned with; and when Neil opened his mouth, she knew this was going to be a good pairing. For a newbie, he was incredibly gifted.

"But soft; What light through yonder window breaks?" Marguerite's eyes were immediately fixated on the boy in front of her, and she couldn't take them off of him.

He was commanding. She couldn't believe that he had never truly done this before. It took skill to make the audience fall away from his line of vision in such a way, and she was quite starstruck.

Marguerite knew that she and Blossom were just as commanding to audiences, but she hadn't seen someone with this much talent inside of them for a long time. It was a breath of fresh air, and the entire small group of kids and Ron were entranced. Eventually, Ron held up a hand.

"Alright stop, stop." Ron scribbled a few notes down, and tapped his pencil carefully. "Very good work, you two. I'd like to see from 'O Romeo' this time. Neil, I'd like to hear you read again. Marguerite, you hop up here and take Blossom's script."

"He's really fucking good, isn't he?" Blossom whispered, handing Marguerite her script as she hopped down the stairs.

"Yeah, but so are you." Marguerite smiled at her before taking her place up on stage.

She sent Neil a smile, and he looked out of breath. He was full of something that Marguerite knew all too well. He had fallen in love with theatre, and she was thrilled for him.

"You ready, Romeo?" She asked, sending him a smirk.

"Yeah, I am. Are you ready, Juliet?" Neil countered.

"Oh Romeo, Romeo! Where far art thou Romeo?" Marguerite recited the words from the script perfectly, and Neil felt like he was drowning trying to keep up with her. He had felt the same way with Blossom, and how he was managing to keep his head above water for all of this was unknown to him.

Ron sat in a renewed, stilled silence. Marguerite was one of his most promising pupils, and he knew she had the talent and gusto to go on. He knew Blossom would too, if she could ever get herself together. But he had another year to shape her into a college ready student. As he looked down at Neil's audition form; he realized he didn't have any time with Neil except for now.

His mind had been decided from the moment Neil's mouth had opened. Ron couldn't remember the last time someone new had commanded that the audience watch them so fiercely. With Marguerite and Neil onstage together, Ron was at a true loss for words.

"Ron?" Marguerite asked, the trance of the scene immediately breaking. "Ron, the next line is the Nurse, and no one is reading for her."

"Right, I'm sorry. We'll have someone else read something new. Very good job, you two."

"Thanks, Ron!"

"Thank you, Mr. Oscar." Neil extended his gratitude, following Marguerite down the stairs.

"You know, I think we've got this in the bag, Neil." She whispered to him as they walked to deliver their scripts to the next set of auditonees.

"You think so?" Neil asked, a wonderful gleam in his eyes.

"I think so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i based blossom off of one of my best friends and she reminds me of a blossom on a flower IDGAF if this is historically inaccurate. let the women say fuck in 1959


	3. iii. Distant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil, Marguerite, and Blossom have gotten their parts! An excitement hangs in the air for the new trio of friends.

"I wish I could unravel, the fabric in-between, and tear away the distance, to bring you close to me." - 4000 Miles | Lang Leav

-

After the final student had read for their chance at a part, Ron looked over his notes carefully. With the size of kids that had shown up, he would be able to cast everyone. "Everyone, stick around for a bit. I may be on the verge of doing something very unorthodox." He said with a devious glint in his eyes, before dashing away.

Blossom, who had ended up reading for nearly every single character in the play, was eager when Ron had gone away, presumably to talk things over with Edeline, his second in command. "You don't think he'll tell us our roles tonight, do you?" She asked, raising her eyebrows in an excited way towards Marguerite.

"I'm sure he won't. He sticks to a routine, Blossom. You know that."

"Well, my casting predications are you as Juliet and Neil as Romeo. By the way, newbie, you are really fucking good."

"Thank you." Neil smiled at her. "So are you two I mean... I was in awe!"

"You were in awe?" Marguerite chuckled, "I was in awe of you!"

Neil smiled brightly at her. "Thank you." He fiddled with his wrist watch, checking the time carefully. "Jeez. I really hope this doesn't take too much longer. I'm not supposed to be here."

"Don't worry about Ron. He won't keep us past eight-thirty unless it's a performance night. He hates seeing us too late at night. Says it's bad for his complexion, or whatever." Blossom rolled her eyes.

"Kingsley, you're on thin ice. It is bad for my complexion." Ron laughed, his notebook held tightly to his chest. "For the first time in my entire directing career, parts will be announced and scripts will be given out today."

A hush fell over the crowd as they excitedly awaited their fates. "First of all, our Romeo and Juliet will be Mr. Perry and Miss Leon, respectively. The Nurse will be played by our effervescent, Miss Kingsley. Mercutio will be..."

Neil tuned out the rest of the words that spewed from Mr. Oscar's mouth. He couldn't believe his luck. He was going to be playing Romeo! After Mr. Oscar had stopped talking, Neil quickly grabbed a script and a rehearsal schedule, then bid goodbye to his new friends.

He left the theatre giddily and eagerly began his bike ride back to Welton. He couldn't wait to tell his friends all about the audition process. He had just had the time of his life, and he was simply thrilled to have a script in his hands. The air outside was still a bit warm, the remnants of summer were still in the air; and Neil could have cried with glee.

As soon as he had entered the dormitory building, he found Knox, Meeks, and Charlie in the hallway consorting with Todd. Upon his approach, the three immediately shut the door to Neil and Todd's room, eager to hear the results of the audition.

"I got the part!" Neil exclaimed, a look covering his face that was so full of joy that the others couldn't help but smile. "I'm playing Romeo!"

"You're playing Romeo?" Charlie smiled at one of his oldest friends, "Neil, I'm so proud of you!"

"Neil, that's amazing!" Knox exclaimed, pulling Neil into a hug.

Meeks was quick to offer a congratulations as well, and the boys all began swiftly talking about how amazing Neil was going to be and how proud they were.

"So who's playing your Juliet? Neil, shut up and tell us! Is she hot?" Charlie immediately shot, causing the group of boys to laugh.

"Her name is Marguerite Leon. She's really very kind, and she's really pretty. Both of them are. Her and her friend Blossom, that is. Blossom's playing the Nurse. They sort of took me under their wing. They're different from any girls I've ever met." Neil gushed about his new friends, happily telling his old ones about them.

"You should bring them to a meeting sometime!" Knox suggested, "I'm sure we would all like to meet them."

"I don't know..." Neil countered, "I think they'd eat Charlie alive."

"All the more reason to bring them." Meeks chuckled.

"I don't know if I'll bring them to a meeting. That's sort of sacred, you know?" Neil said, biting on his bottom lip. "And you never know. I could grow to hate them in three months."

"Sure." Charlie rolled his eyes, "You just said two kind, pretty girls were your friends. Neil, if I was you, I'd be in paradise."

Neil laughed, albeit a bit uncomfortably, "I'm sure you would, Charlie."

"How many lines you got?" Knox asked, quick to change the subject.

"I don't know. A whole lot of them. I'll need help learning them, which I'm sure you all would like to assist me with." Neil smirked, knowing his friends would have no interest nor be any good at helping him out.

"Ah, Neil, I've got trig assignments I should be doing." Meeks sheepishly declined, and Charlie followed him out, muttering about needing help from the red-haired boy.

"You know I would love to, Neil, but I think I'm with Charlie on this one." Knox said, following the others out of the door.

"I guess you're the lucky victim." Neil said once they had left, flashing a smile towards Todd.

"Y-Yeah." Todd answered, looking back down at his own trigonometry assignment. "Just let me know when you want to."

"Alright. I'll get started on some of my homework tonight. I won't learn any lines tonight, anyways. I'll wait for the first-read through to happen tomorrow and then I'll decide what I want to do."

"Alright." A silence enveloped the room, and the two boys began to work diligently on their studies. Soon, however, it was lights out, and they settled into their private beds.

"Neil?" Todd asked, the lack of movement from the other bed had died down, and Todd figured his roommate was asleep. "I'm really happy for you."

The same silence enveloped the room once again; and Todd felt himself draw in a shuddery breath. He was always terrible about expressing himself, but he was happy for Neil. Neil was courageous and willing, and Todd wished with every bone in his body that he could be like that. But alas, he was not like Neil. People listened to Neil, they respected him. Todd had never felt that way. Todd didn't envy Neil, no, but he wished that he could have a sliver of the taller boy's courage.

"Thank you, Todd." The words were soft, and floated through the air carefully.

Todd went rigid, having thought the boy across from him was asleep. Neil shifted, and it was silent once again. Todd fell asleep with an odd feeling in his chest. One that he couldn't quite place.

\---

For Marguerite and Blossom, auditions were always somewhat of a breeze. This time, however, the two were ecstatic after the news of who was going to play who came out.

"Marg, drive me home?" Blossom asked, fiddling around in her school bag as the two left Henley Hall. "My mother dropped me off, but she said to grab a ride home. She'll be so happy to hear I'm playing the Nurse! I went over my book last night and we both knew I was the only one right for it! God, Marguerite, I'm so excited I could scream!" Blossom talked excitedly, a huge smile on her face.

"I'm incredibly happy for you, Blossom." Marguerite smiled at her best friend. "And you don't even have to ask—of course I'll drive you home."

"I can't believe you're playing Juliet!" Blossom gushed, "I mean, you have basically no work! God, I don't think falling in love with Neil would even be hard. He's so attractive. I mean, come on, you can't even disagree with me!" Blossom chuckled, pulling out her pink lipstick and reapplying as she looked into Marguerite's side mirror.

"Oh, Blossom." Marguerite chuckled, "I mean, sure, he's cute and all—but I'm playing Juliet! I don't care what he looks like. I've got my mind on other things."

"I know, I know. But, I would lose my cool card if I said anything like that in front of anyone but you. I mean, the entire school knows my stance on the opposite sex."

"Useless," Marguerite added, laughing as she pulled into Blossom's driveway. "Go get some sleep, Blossom. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye, Marg! I'll call after I finish all my homework."

"You can't call tonight, I'll be using the phone for something else."

"Ooh, for what?"

"Calling my mother, silly. Go away!" Marguerite gave Blossom a playful shove, and Blossom lent over to open her car door.

"Bye, pretty lady!" Blossom pressed a kiss to her friend's cheek, and was then up the stairs and unlocking her front door.

Marguerite drove home carefully, the residual excitement still bubbling up in her chest. She was playing Juliet! She had dreamed of playing the character since before she could remember, and the fact that it was now so tangible was extremely thrilling to the girl.

She quickly got inside, and kicked off her shoes before immediately dialing her mother's apartment number. If the clock she kept on the desk next to the phone was right, it was somewhere around two in the morning in Paris.

Marguerite knew she shouldn't have called, but it would be impossible to catch her mother during the day. So, with hands shaking from excitement, she dialed the well-known numbers, and let the familiar ringing tone grace her ears.

"Hello?" A groggy voice came through, and Margerite was swift to speak.

"Hi, Mom! I know it's super late over there and you need your rest, but I got my role for the play at Henley Hall!"

"Oh, Marguerite, darling, I'm so proud of you!" Amelia's voice was soft and still full of sleep, but she was enthralled, none the less.

"Thank you!"

"What role?"

"I got Juliet!"

A movement of sheets was heard through the phone, which signaled her mother was sitting up. "Oh, sweetheart, I am so happy for you! When is the play, my dear?"

"It's at the end of December. That last Friday. I know you're busy, but it would mean the world to me if you'd come. It's my last straight play there before I graduate."

"I know, honey," Amelia bit her lip, already looking at her schedule. "Can I call you once I know my schedule fully? I've got that design workshop tomorrow for the new students, and then I'm off to Milan for a week for that fashion show with my original designs."

"Sure, that's fine. I just miss you a lot, Mom. Edeline took all of her stuff back to her place, and it's just been lonely here without someone."

"I know, dear. I know." A silence enraptured the two that was incredibly bittersweet. "I'll call you when I get to Milan. Get some rest, my Juliet."

"You too, Mom. I love you." Marguerite said, wishing the saddened feeling in her chest would go away.

"I love you too, Marguerite. I always will."

"Have a good time in Milan." Marguerite finished, and hung up the phone.

Marguerite sighed heavily after she had returned the phone to its rightful place. She should have known better than to get her hopes up. Her mother was an important, busy woman; and that should have been enough to cement her thoughts of her mother attending the show.

Marguerite flicked on a light in her kitchen, horribly aware of how lonely she was without Edeline. The girl set to make herself a small dinner, and sat down carefully. She opened her script, and let the words of Shakespeare consume her restless mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayyyy parts!!!!!!


	4. iv. Read Through

"When someone's having a bad day, A smile could go a long way, So make sure to put one on And keep it until the day is gone." - A Smile | Malak Meleka

-

Upon the arrival of the first rehearsal, Marguerite had spent the afternoon idly chatting with Edeline, catching up on studies and laughing at the older woman's jokes. "I talked to my mom last night." She sighed, crossing out all the wrong work on her trigonometry problem. "She said she'll be here if she can make it. She's in Milan next week, so I don't know how much of her I'll get to talk to."

"You know she'll catch three planes if it means coming to see you. Your mother loves you very much, Marguerite. You know she wouldn't miss it for the world." Edeline placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and squeezed lightly.

"I know," Marguerite sighed at the touch, a warm feeling filling her heart. "But I just wish that she was here now."

"I know you do, sweetheart. But she'll be back for six months after February."

"Enough time to see me graduate and pick a college." Marguerite added, excitement filling her heart at the possibilities.

"Speaking of college, have you given it any thought? I know that things have probably been rough in the searching process. You still want to go to Julliard if you can, right?" Edeline asked, fixing her glasses against her face as she looked over the trigonometry work.

"Oh, I want to go there more than anything. It's just... it's hard to get in, and I know that their programs are rigorous. But the drive there would be pretty rough to audition, so I don't know if I'll go. I still need to talk to Ron about getting some talent scouts to come to the show."

"You let me worry about Ron." Edeline smiled, "Now come on, you need to pass this next trig test."

-

"You read your script last night, Marg?" Blossom asked, practically tripping over her own feet as she ran to catch up with Marguerite as the two walked into Henley Hall.

"Of course I did." Marguerite smiled at her best friend, and linked their arms together.

"What about Amelia? Can she steal herself away from the high life of Paris to come see it?"

"I'm not sure. She's in Milan for the week. She said she'd call when she knows her schedule better."

"You know she'll pull through," Blossom laughed happily, "Come on, Juliet!"

The chatter of fellow castmates was heard upon the immediate entry into Henley Hall, and Marguerite and Blossom quickly found their normal seats, talking animatedly about the play. Their scripts were highlighted, underlined, and scribbled in; and they were barely able to contain their excitement over the upcoming performance.

"Hey, I have to go talk to Ron. I'll see you later, sweetie." Marguerite squeezed Blossom's hand, and went away to Ron's office.

"Marguerite!" Neil exclaimed, running to catch up with her as she walked upstairs to where Ron spent all of his time. "Are you going to see Mr. Oscar too?"

"Yes, I am. What are you doing up here, Romeo?"

"Well, Juliet, I have to talk to him about my part. I'm a little worried about it all, I guess."

"That's understandable." Marguerite nodded, "But you shouldn't worry too much."

Neil smiled, and Marguerite raised her fist carefully to knock on Ron's door. "Hey, old man! I need to talk to you!"

"Marguerite!" Ron exclaimed, opening the door with a smile on his face. "You are just the girl I wanted to see!" Ron pulled her into a quick hug, before he had acknowledged Neil. "Hello, Neil."

"Hello, Mr. Oscar." Neil greeted.

"You're going to have to wait out here, son. I've got to talk to Marguerite about something for a little while."

Neil shifted on his feet, still nervous, and nodded. Ron closed the door behind himself and Marguerite, and then it was a waiting game. It didn't take long for Marguerite to come out, smiling widely.

"What did you need to see me about, Neil?" Ron asked, a proud gleam in his eyes as he looked at Marguerite.

"Oh, uh, nothing, Sir." Neil shifted uncomfortably. He was nervous about doing this role. More nervous than he had ever been about anything in his life, and he had wanted to tell Mr. Oscar all about it. But he couldn't, at least, not yet. "It isn't important."

"Alright, well, when it is; you come to me." Ron threw a smile his way, and closed his office door.

"You're a terrible liar." Marguerite shook her head, and motioned for Neil to follow her downstairs.

"No, I'm not. But it really isn't important." Neil shook his head, but Marguerite could see something was troubling him.

"You can tell me, Neil. Maybe not now, but if you ever need a friend; I'm here." Marguerite sent him a soft smile, and squeezed his hand.

"Thanks, Marguerite." Neil nodded, and Marguerite dropped his hand as the two walked into the auditorium.

"Hi, lovebirds!" Blossom cheered, and left the other cast members to continue talking to Marguerite. "How was the old man?"

"Perfect." Marguerite smiled.

"Hi!" Neil said, taking his seat next to Marguerite. "How are you?" He asked Blossom.

"I am just dandy, pretty boy. How are you? Were your friends excited for you?" Blossom spoke quickly, and fished around in her bag for awhile before pulling out a ribbon to tie her hair back with.

"I'm good. My friends were pretty excited. They're all happy for me."

"That's sweet!" Marguerite smiled.

"What about you two? Your friends excited for you?"

"All my friends are here, and they've pretty much been spoken for." Marguerite chuckled softly, and Blossom mirrored her action. "I'm homeschooled, so I don't get out too much."

"Now that is rich!" Blossom laughed, "She gets out all the time! I have a lot of parties, and she comes to all of them because she is morally obligated to. But on the subject, my friends are all happy for me, as well. So are my parents! God, they would not stop gushing last night." Blossom turned a pink shade, remembering her mother's words.

"Oh, my sweet, talented daughter! You are the light of my horribly boring life!" Marguerite chuckled, pinching Blossom's cheek and mimicking her friend's mother as best she could.

"Oh, come off it! You know your mother would have been the same way."

"I guess so, yeah." Marguerite was quick to change the subject; she didn't like to harp on her mother too much, so she turned back towards Neil. "Neil, what about you? You faked a signature—I'm guessing the parents aren't Shakespeare fans?"

"You don't know the half of it." Neil shifted uncomfortably, "My father and I are not on as good of terms as you and your parents seem to be. It's... I don't know. He's tough on me. Wants what's best, you know."

"My parents are utterly dull. A doctor and a lawyer, the worst kind. I mean, not everyone can have a mom like Margeurite's! One moment she's in Paris—the next Milan! How exciting!" Blossom gushed, her eyes filling with daydreams of a life far away from Henley Hall.

"What about your Dad?" Neil asked, watching an odd expression cover Marguerite's face and go away as quickly as it appeared.

"He's dead. I never knew him, though, so it's okay. And having a mother travel around Europe designing clothes and helping the sick in Africa isn't everything it's cracked up to be. But I love her. Very much."

"I'm sorry." Neil offered, changing the subject, "Did you mention something about parties earlier?"

"Oh, I wouldn't be the one to ask." Marguerite laughed, and Blossom took the stage.

"Basically, my parents love going on business trips together. If Dad has one, they're off together. If Mom's got one, they're off together. I try to keep them as quiet as I can. It's not that I don't enjoy a good party, but I wouldn't want the cops to show up, you know? Normally some football jocks bring the drinks and I supply everything else." 

"That sounds very intricate."

"It's a huge process." Blossom admitted, "But I have it down to a precise science. You should come to one sometime! Bring all your friends! I should be having one this Saturday, but I'll let you know further details later."

"This Saturday?" Marguerite cocked an eyebrow, looking at her friend.

"Yeah! What, got a hot date or something?"

"No, actually. I've got a college audition that afternoon. I don't know if I'll be able to make it."

"Oh, holy shit! Was that what you were talking to Ron about?"

"Edeline and Ron pulled a few strings. They're giving me four days to prepare myself for a Juilliard audition!"

"God, when are Edeline and Ron just going to be honest and tell us they're sleeping together?" Blossom asked dramatically, "But Jesus, Marg! I am so happy for you! If you need any help with it, I'm one phone call away."

"You're... you're going to college for theatre?" Neil asked, his brow furrowed. He hadn't even dreamed about that possibility yet.

"I want to, yes. If someone accepts me, I will be. And I hate to say it, but I'm being very particular about what I want. I feel like if I'm going to get somewhere, I have to be in New York City, you know?"

Neil offered her a smile, hoping it looked like he knew what she was talking about. College seemed so far away and so intangible to him that it was nearly hysterical. The three new acquaintances settled into an easy chattering of new friends. Before they knew it, they were shushed by Ron.

"Well, let us begin! Turn your scripts to page 10, and let's read!"

Harry took a deep breath before beginning, and the boy began the play. "Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean."

"That was fine, but pretend like you are enjoying yourself, next time." A chuckle was spread throughout the students as Ron gave his first direction.

"I think you're going to have a good time here." Marguerite whispered.

"So do I." Neil said back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love these characters. a comfort for me personally <3


	5. v. It's A Party

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking." - Anna Karenina | Leo Tolstoy

-

By the time Neil had arrived back to his dorm room after the first rehearsal, he was floating on a cloud. This was the first time that he had felt like he was making a difference. The first time he was sure of himself and his place in the world. His nerves from earlier had all but gone away, and he was so thankful for it.

Charlie knocked on the door, and let himself and Knox inside. "How was it, Neil?"

"It was amazing, Charlie! I am enjoying it so much there. Everyone is so nice and helpful!" Neil smiled and shook his head, "Which reminds me, I've gotten us invited to a party. I'm not sure if I want us all to go, but the invite stands."

"What party?" Knox asked, furrowing his brow.

"Who cares? I'm in!" Charlie cheered, flashing a wide smile Neil's way.

"You think we could all sneak out?" Knox asked hesitantly.

"Knox, we sneak out every week. I think we'll be able to handle it." Charlie reminded him, rolling his eyes. "When shall we engage?"

"It's at Blossom's house. She plays the Nurse. I'm not sure how we're all supposed to get there, which is my main problem with this." Neil fretted.

"Easy. We'll mount our bikes and ride!" Charlie cheered, his eyes full of expectant hope.

The opening of Neil's door shocked the three of them, for they weren't prepared for anyone to walk into the room. Their plan felt secret, just as their club was.

"Oh, hi guys. Sorry if I interrupted anything." Todd bowed his head, squeezing past Charlie and Knox to sit at his desk.

It was silent for a moment as Neil watched his roommate. Todd's hair was slightly damp, and he looked a bit uneasy with all of the people in the room. Neil could see Todd's cheeks lighting up with all of the attention in the room suddenly turned on him.

"Todd, do you want to go to a party with us?" Knox asked, extending the invitation.

"Oh, I don't—I don't think so. Sorry, guys." Todd muttered, and went back to his trigonometry work.

"We haven't decided if we're going yet." Neil offered, hoping he could change his roommate's mind.

"What do you mean we haven't decided?" Charlie scoffed, "You said Blossom's house, party. Party means cheap alcohol, good music, and pretty girls. I don't see what we have to decide!"

"Charlie, let Neil decide." Knox put a hand on his hot-headed friend's shoulder, doing his best to calm him down.

"Overstreet, I want to go to the damn party."

"Fine, Charlie. We'll go." Neil sighed, "It's Saturday night. Starts at nine."

Charlie's face lit up as the words spilled out of Neil's mouth. "Neil, I could kiss you, I really could. Knox, my boy, we must decide what to wear! Two lonely gentlemen, carousing the town!" And with his dramatic flair, Charlie was off.

Knox chuckled, and rolled his eyes. "Someone needs to get that boy under control. I'll see you, Neil. Night, Todd!"

"Boy, Blossom is not going to know what hit her. I'll have to tell her of our upcoming attendance tomorrow." Neil reasoned out loud, hoping to pull Todd into a conversation.

Neil figured he hadn't succeeded when Todd simply continued to do his work, after a little while, however, Todd spoke up. "This is off topic, but you said you'd tell me when you wanted to practice lines today. Unless you don't want me to anymore."

"No, I do! I do want you to practice lines with me!" Neil said.

"Just let me know when."

"If you're not busy, you want to do some right now? I'd like to be off book as soon as I can! The balcony scene is one of my favorites. You read for Juliet!" Neil grabbed his script off his desk and threw it on Todd's. "Start on page 46, if you will."

Neil jumped on top of his bed, eager to recite his lines. Todd opened the book with a smile, happy to be helping his friend. "Start when you're ready."

"Isn't it your line?"

"Is it?"

"It says 'Romeo. (aside) Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?'" Todd recited stoicly, then laughed a bit when Neil's face was wrought with confusion. "Maybe you should study these a bit before committing them to memory."

"Todd," Neil sighed, "You are, unfortunately, right."

\---

The passing of days felt like a very short time to the boys who were eagerly awaiting to attend a party. Upon Blossom's admittance, Neil was taking the entirety of the Dead Poets Society, Todd undecided, to her home. Marguerite was still unsure of her attendance to the party, since her day was going to be quite exhausting with the audition.

Neil was a bit saddened by the possibility of Marguerite not being there, as the two had become fast friends. However, he was glad Blossom would be there. Even Harry was going to be there, and although it has been a rocky first meeting, the boy had proved that he was not as terrible as he had seemed.

So, under the protection of the dark night sky, Neil, the rest of the Dead Poets Society, and a nervous Todd embarked on the long bike ride to Blossom's home. By the time they had reached the two-story suburban home; it was nearly 10:45 PM. The party seemed to be in full swoop, and Neil was not sure that anyone could hear his feeble attempts of knocking.

The air was cool as Blossom opened the door to the gaggle of boys. "Hello, everyone!" A wide smile pressed into her face. "I was wondering when you all would be showing up!"

Neil smiled, and pulled Blossom in for a hug. "Thank you for inviting us!"

"Oh!" Marguerite appeared, and Neil felt his face light into a smile. "The boys finally decided to show up." She smirked, and Neil pulled her into a hug as well.

"I'm glad you're here!" Neil smiled.

"Me too! Well, who is everybody?" Marguerite asked, surveying the group of young boys.

"You must be Marguerite. It's lovely to meet you." Charlie said, taking ahold of Marguerite's hand and kissing it. "And you—you must be the effervescent Miss Kingsley." He mirrored his actions from Marguerite, and kissed Blossom's hand.

"We've got a gentleman on our hands, do we?" Marguerite teased, "You must be Charlie."

"That I am." Charlie nodded his head.

"Don't flatter him." Meeks sighed, but a smile was on his face. "He'll only get a big head."

"And this is everybody else! Steven Meeks, Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson, and Knox Overstreet." Neil pointed to each of them as he said their name.

"Come on in!" Blossom side-stepped from her door, and let the boys in.

Charlie and Knox split away from the group because Charlie was itching to have some of that disgusting beer he knew would be here. "Knox, I'm telling you," He took ahold of his cup, watching Blossom dance with some boy he had never seen before. She was quite easily the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. "I'm going to dance with her, and I'm going to kiss her before tonight is over with."

"Don't get overzealous, Char. She might have a boyfriend."

"As if you wouldn't do the same to Neil's girl. Come on, Knox. Marguerite's pretty damn beautiful, too."

Knox didn't say anything for a moment, instead letting his eyes fall on the smiling girl who was chatting to people he didn't know. They donned sweaters that read 'Henley Hall Theatre', so he figured they must have been her friends. He could barely rip his eyes away from her. The moment she had joined Blossom at the front door, he felt like his world had stopped.

"See, I told you so. Now you don't go and get too overzealous." Charlie remarked playfully, and sent him a wink before he was off in Blossom's direction.

Across the room, Steven and Gerard were having the time of their lives. A pair of pretty girls had agreed to dance with them, and they were in heaven! Finally, they could listen to good music without the watchful eyes of a teacher disrupting them.

"There's s-so many people here." Todd choked out, his mind whirling and his senses heightened. He didn't like big crowds much.

"I'm sorry, Todd. I didn't—I didn't think about that. You can hang out with me, though. I'll be right by your side if you need to get out of here!" Neil assured, smiling his way.

Albeit his nerves, Todd felt his heart flutter. He didn't like that feeling, but it had been happening so often recently. When he practiced lines with Neil, he always felt his own palms were sweaty and his heart was pounding. He still hasn't quite figured out what that meant yet, so he allowed himself to relax with Neil's sincere words.

"Here, we'll go talk to Marguerite! She's great! You'll like her." Neil assured, calling Marguerite over to them.

"Neil!" Marguerite exclaimed, a smile adorning her face as she walked over to the two boys. "Hello! You're Todd, right? Neil's been telling me so much about you this past week!"

Todd was at a loss for words as the girl extended her hand and shook his. He was horrible with talking to new people, and he wished he wasn't.

Their timid beginnings of conversation was halted when Blossom immediately appeared at Marguerite's side. "Did you tell them your news?" 

"I was just going to ask!" Neil agreed, and hopeful looks appeared on Marguerite's friends' faces. 

She put her hands over her face and smiled widely. "They loved me." She confessed, then took her hands away and threw them in the air triumphantly. "They loved me!"

"I told you so." Blossom smiled knowingly, and wrapped her best friend into a bone-crushing hug. Marguerite hugged her back, and afterwords, Blossom pulled apart. She placed her hands on Marguerite's cheeks and mirrored the shorter girl's ginormous smile. "I'm so proud of you!" She pressed her lips to Marguerite's swiftly, and the two embraced again.

Todd felt his eyes widen. He had never seen two girls kiss each other before. He looked at Neil, and lifted his eyebrows. "They're only friends." Neil offered, seeing Todd's wide eyes. "I'm learning that friendship can mean so many things." 

As soon as the two had pulled away from each other, Neil took her into his arms. "I'm so proud of you!"

"Thank you! I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke. Literally, I had to call Edeline and have her reassure me that I've picked the right career path."

Blossom rolled her eyes, "Come on, I knew you were going to be spectacular. My shining star. I love you. She pressed a kiss to Marguerite's cheek, "The dance floor is calling my name." 

"The dance floor is always calling her name." Marguerite laughed, "She's danced with at least everyone in this room. I'm surprised she didn't ask either of you to dance!"

"That's good." Neil chuckled, "I don't think either of us know how to dance. I know I don't."

"You mean you're an amazing actor and you can't dance? Neil Perry, I am very disappointed." Marguerite clucked her tongue, but her mischievous glance hadn't left.

"What career?" Todd asked, hoping he wasn't breaking the moment between Neil and Marguerite. They seemed very close, and somehow, that made him a bit uneasy. He wasn't sure why. "F-from earlier. You said you had to call an 'Edeline' and get reassured. What career did you pick?"

"Oh, right! I'm going to be an actress. I had an audition for Juilliard today, and it went smashingly. Of course, I won't find out for awhile yet; but I truly believe they really loved me. The man smiled at me when I had finished and didn't write one note."

"That's very nice." Todd smiled at the girl sheepishly, unsure of how to really make new friends. He had already been having his troubles with the poets.

"But I've heard you're pretty fond of the arts too. I've heard you're a—I believe Neil's words were—'breathtakingly spectacular poet.' I'd love to hear or read some of your work sometime!" Marguerite smiled at him, and Todd couldn't help but begin to feel as Neil appeared to around her. She was proving to be just as amazing as Neil had described her to be.

"I-I wouldn't say that." Todd blushed, both from the compliment and the conversation turning towards him.

"Todd, I would! When Mr. Keating had you think of that poem in class I was in awe! You have a gift!" Neil agreed, nodding and smiling.

Todd felt as if his cheeks were on fire, and he couldn't stop his heart from beating so quickly. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Boys, I would like your opinion on a subject." Marguerite looked past them, and met eyes with Knox Overstreet. 

Knox, from across the room, choked on the water he had poured into his cup. The beer from the keg was disgusting, and he couldn't bear to drink any of it. So, he had poured his foul drink down the drain and poured himself a glass of more palatable water. Her eyes met his own and he felt quite like passing out. He hadn't meant for her to catch him staring at her.

"Your friend Knox has had his eyes on me all night. Should I surprise him and ask him to dance?" Marguerite mischeviously smiled, wiggling an eyebrow at the two in front of her.

"Knox is a sweet guy. You'll be fine with him." Neil said, smiling at Marguerite's mannerisms.

"It's settled. I'm off, boys." She saluted them, and walked away.

"B-but wait, Neil, I thought t-that Marguerite and you..." He found the words a bit hard to say, not sure of how to approach Neil on the subject. "I thought you, you know."

"Liked each other?" Neil laughed softly, "She's becomes a very good friend this past week, and I think she'll stay one for a long time; but I don't think either of us are really interested."

"Oh, jeez, I'm sorry." Todd bit his lip, looking at his shoes in the awkwardness of it all.

"That's okay. She's probably not into Knox as much as he seems to be into her either. And besides, I have to look after you at this party! What's our first plan of attack? Drinks?" Neil raised an eyebrow, and Todd nodded silently, following the slightly taller boy into the kitchen. Todd could only pray his beating heart would slow.

As Neil practically dragged a timid Todd to get drinks, Marguerite began her ascent to talk to Knox Overstreet. She hadn't really wanted to ask him about checking her out. She had moved over to him to ask what his friend Charlie was doing staring at her friend Blossom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww gay friends having panic over seeing other gay friends <3


	6. vi. Soft Glances in a Room

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken." - C.S. Lewis | The Four Loves

-

Marguerite smiled, weaving her way through friends and acquaintances to reach Knox. "Hello," She greeted, looking at the boy.

"Uh, hello." Knox licked his lips, unsure of how to talk to the girl in front of him. "I'm Knox. Neil's been telling me a lot about you."

"Has he?" Marguerite raised an eyebrow, watching Charlie out of the corner of her eye ask Blossom to dance with him. "What's your friend Charlie doing with my girl over there?"

"Oh, I-I don't know. He said he wanted to dance with her."

"That's nice. Blossom likes to dance." Knox raised his eyebrows, a bit uncomfortable with how he was being approached about all of this. 

Marguerite could feel a twisting in her gut. "It's nice to meet you! I've been hearing a lot about you as well. How are your escapades going towards that girl Chris?"

"Oh my god," Knox groaned. Chris was an adventure he had given up starting tonight. "Is she here?"

"She was supposed to be, yes. I don't think she or Chet ended up making it. Ginny's here, though. She's the better Danbury. It's a shame she didn't try out for the play this year. She's still got a year to do so, though."

Knox nodded, looking over at Chet Danburry's sister, Ginny. She had been nice at the dinner, but he couldn't remember anything about her specifically. The dinner had been all business but his mind had been consumed by thinking of Chet's girlfriend, Chris. Ginny was dancing with Gerard, and the two looked very happy. Knox smiled at his friend, glad to see him having a good time. 

"So, do you want to dance?" Marguerite asked simply, looking at Knox as if he was a fragile little kid.

"Um... yeah. I'd like that."

"I won't tell Chris you danced with me. I know she's seeing Chet, but believe me, she could do much better. I can talk to her for you, if you'd like."

"You don't have to do that." Knox offered, aimlessly following Marguerite to where a group of other teens were dancing.

"I'd be happy to!"

"No, no, you really don't have to." Knox found himself stumbling over his words, letting the girl he barely knew take him towards the dance floor when he had no idea how to dance. She was so beautiful, and it felt like his head was spinning. He looked around helplessly, looking first at Charlie, then towards Neil who was laughing at something Todd had said. Neil caught his eye and sent him a thumbs up, but that did nothing for Knox's beating heart.

"Come on, Knox. I'll dance with you even if you have two left feet." She outstretched her hand towards him, and Knox took a deep breath, willing himself to be pulled closer towards the beautiful girl he had heard so many good things about.

A few couples away, Blossom was laughing as Charlie tried terribly to impress her. He was trying much too hard, complementing her and dancing with her like his entire life depended on it.

"What are you laughing at?" Charlie asked, pulling apart from her slightly as the slow moving song continued to play.

"Nothing," Blossom chuckled, letting him take her into his arms and dance with her again.

She was always up for dancing with new people, and Charlie was proving to be a very kind boy. She was glad that she had taken the opportunity to dance with him. He wasn't as good of a dance partner as Marguerite was, but he was doing just fine for attending an all boys school.

"You're a pretty good dancer. Where did you learn all of this?" She asked, a faster song changing the pace of their dancing.

"I take a lot of vacations in the summers. My parents don't really watch after me, so I go out at night to clubs and things like that."

"Ah," Blossom nodded her head, letting herself drown in the dance moves. She imagined running away to somewhere exotic. Paris, Milan, Los Angeles. She closed her eyes a moment, imaging how wonderful it would be to dance somewhere with people she didn't know, to forget about everything and everyone. A moment in a world alone. 

She danced with him awhile longer, letting her eyes wonder over to Marguerite and Knox, who were laughing harmlessly at the boy's terrible dance moves. Blossom felt like her gut was twisting in two. She wasn't used to seeing Marguerite talk or dance with anyone other than herself, and she felt a pang of jealousy rage through her. That wasn't unusual, even if Blossom didn't like to think that it was. Marguerite was her best friend, and she had no idea how she was going to survive the girl going away to college next year. Blossom turned her head back towards Charlie, letting the cute boy wrap her in his arms.

\---

By the time the party had all but come to a close, it was nearly one in the morning. It lasted longer than some of Blossom's parties, but it certainly hadn't been the shortest. There was a lot of terrible things that had happened in parties past, and Blossom was relived no one had ended up at the hospital. Truth be told, only Harry had ended up at the hospital, but he had accidentally cut himself using a knife to try and open the beer keg. Blossom laughed, remembering that moment. Harry was a loveable, slightly rude idiot; and although he was a pain in her ass, she did love having him around.

Thankfully, none of the boys that had come from Welton were completely inebriated, and so they would be biking back safely. Marguerite appeared at Blossom's side as they bid goodbye to the boys, thanking them all for coming. Marguerite had spent the night dancing with Knox, and she was convinced that they needed to talk to Chris about him. Blossom knew that Knox had absolutely no interest in Chris anymore, but if Marguerite wanted to have that fantasy, she was going to let her.

Neil thanked both of them profusely, hugging them before he led the group outside.

"Let me know when you have one of these things again." Charlie said, kissing Blossom's hand before following Neil outside. "I'd like to come again and see you."

Blossom smiled, fearing her own personal truth. "I'll see you."

Knox bid a nervous goodbye to Marguerite, and the other boys followed suite with enthusiastic thanks. Soon, their bikes had disappeared down the driveway, and a few stragglers were left in the house.

"Alright, everybody out!" Blossom yelled, turning off the Elvis record and kicking out the few jocks who were still milling around.

"I'll check the bedrooms for a damage report." Marguerite said, veering off and up the stairs.

As soon as the upstairs and downstairs areas had been cleared of people, it was finally time for the two girls to start cleaning up the house.

"My," Blossom let out a sigh, "it's so messy in here. I should never have another party."

"You say that every time."

"Maybe I do, but that's only because I might not."

"It's a good thing everybody's gone now. It got pretty loud for awhile there."

"Did it? I was sort of in a trance the whole night." Blossom admitted, handing Marguerite her broom.

"You probably didn't notice since you were dancing with Charlie the whole night!" Marguerite teased, taking the broom in her arms and mimicking a dance partner. She hummed some unknown tune, and Blossom couldn't help but double over in laughter. Marguerite danced over to the records that Blossom owned, laughing. "Music while we clean?" She asked, dropping the broom by her side.

Their eyes met a moment, and neither said anything. Marguerite was breathing heavily, from dancing around and exerting herself by running up and down the stairs earlier. She was breathless as Blossom watched her, fearing the moment had gone on too long and that her cover had been blown. In turn, Margeurite hadn't wanted the blissful, silent moment to end. 

Blossom nodded in approval, and an Ella Fitzgerald record was placed on the turntable. Marguerite started to dance to the music, and motioned for Blossom to join her.

"Come on," Marguerite urged, holding out her hand to Blossom. "Your folks won't be home for three days. We can take a break for a little while."

"But we should clean—" Blossom urged, desperation clinging to the edges of her voice.

"Come on. Dance with me." Marguerite said. The soft sounds of 'You Can't Take That Away From Me' filled the air, and Blossom felt her heart twist in two.

"I did a lot of dancing tonight." She said, "I just want to clean up and go to bed."

Marguerite shrugged, flashing that beautiful, devious smile she always did when she wanted to get her way; and Blossom knew she was done for. Ella's rich vocals filled the air, and Blossom let her eyes stay on Marguerite's dancing body before she busied herself with picking up more lone cups.

"The way you wear you hat," Marguerite's voice floated above Ella's the two mixing in an intoxicating way. "The way you sip your tea. Come on, Kingsley."

Blossom sighed, allowing herself a moment of self-indulgence. This wasn't supposed to be like this; with her beating heart and her lungs screaming for air that wasn't there. Marguerite laughed, triumphing over winning over her friend. Her arms wound around the taller girl's neck, and the two let Ella's sultry vocals consume them. Marguerite closed her eyes, not wanting the moment to end. 

"I wish it could always be like this." Blossom confessed, her words full of hurt and desperation.

"Oh, Blossom," Marguerite sighed, pulling away. There was nothing left to say. 

Blossom bit her lip, and it was silent for a moment as the song changed. That hadn't been what she had meant, that the night would end soon. She was sure Marguerite knew it too. The girls didn't press on the issue, and broke apart; swiftly picking up cups from party-goers.


	7. vii. Before the Meeting

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world." - L. M. Montgomery | Anne of Green Gables

-

A month into rehearsals, Blossom and Marguerite were both feeling horribly overworked with all of their school work and the pressure of their individual roles. Of course, they were sure their other cast members shared their feelings towards the exhaustion, and they were glad they weren't alone in it. But, as Blossom always was the inevitably wild card of the two, she decided that both herself and Marguerite needed a night out. Their free night from rehearsal was Friday, which was taken happily by the entire cast. Neil, especially, had told the two how glad he was that rehearsal wouldn't hinter some club meeting he had on that night.

Blossom had quickly talked Ginny and Chris into going on a girl's night date with Marguerite and herself. Chris and Ginny were two of Blossom's closest friends in school, and thus, were both large fans of Marguerite. The four, when time allowed, were full of fast talk and general liking of the other.

Before Marguerite knew what hit her, she was fixing her hair and smoothing out her poodle skirt before she walked towards the small diner that was in the middle of her home town. Blossom was already inside, driven by Chris, who had also picked up Ginny.

"Marguerite!" Chris cheered once she had slipped into a seat beside Blossom. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too! I've missed all of you!" Marguerite added, smiling happily at the girls.

After the four had ordered milkshakes, they engaged in public school gossip that Marguerite had been dying to hear. She didn't get too much of it since most of the theatre kids were sweethearts, and was always willing to hear her friends talk passionately about something, even if she wasn't really sure who everyone was.

After the subject had been changed over to Blossom and Marguerite, the two immediately engaged into a conversation about the play and the great party that Chris had missed. Even Ginny had nodded in agreement, a funny smile lighting up across her face.

"It was a pretty great party." She admitted, taking a sip of her strawberry shake.

"You have to come to my next one. It should be next weekend. I'll invite all the boys!" Blossom laughed.

"I am excited to meet all these infamous boys you speak of. Which ones should I watch out for?" Chris laughed.

"Oh my god," Marguerite remembered, the conversation she had had with Knox came flowing back to her. "Neil's friend, Knox, has the biggest crush on you!"

Blossom swallowed, biting her lip harshly. Knox Overstreet might have festered feelings for the pretty blonde-haired girl, but then again, who wouldn't? Chris Noel was a sight for sore eyes, and although she knew Marguerite was only trying to help that poor boy, she knew this was going to get messy. Blossom figured Marguerite nearly blind to have not seen through Knox's utter dumbfounded gaze at her.

Chris shook her head, "Knox Overstreet? Gin, didn't he go to your house for that dinner?"

"Oh, yeah! He was really sweet. You sure he's into Chris though, Marg?" Ginny asked, looking between Marguerite and Blossom.

"That's what I'm thinking," Blossom agreed.

"Oh, come on. We all know that Chet Danburry is a sorry excuse for your boyfriend. I can't tell you who to date, but you could do so much better than that jock man extraordinaire."

"I know," Chris was visibly bothered by the mention of Chet, but she hid it well quickly. "But there's nothing to do about that. I like him, and he likes me; so for now, it's fine. Besides, it's not like I'm going to marry him or anything. He's a pretty face and a not-too-bad kisser."

Ginny laughed, "You're impossible! But Knox seemed like a total sweetheart, so if he likes either of you, I think that's amazing."

"You seemed to be having a pretty fun night yourself, Gin." Blossom giggled, taking a sip of her Coke that had turned into mostly sweetened sugar water.

"Yeah," Ginny couldn't help but blush, "I did. Gerard was really sweet."

"And tall," Blossom added.

"Just how she likes them!" Chris laughed.

"I had a really good time too. I danced with Neil's friend Charlie. He was the cockiest, most self-absorbed boy I think I've ever met, but he was nice. A good dancer, too. Hopefully he'll show again. I like flirting with boys who will never have the chance to date me. Gives me purpose, you know." Blossom said, laughing at her own joke.

Marguerite laughed alongside her before articulating her night. "I danced with Knox all night and promised him I'd talk him up to you, but if you don't want that, I will not engage."

"No dancing with the infamous Romeo?" Chris asked, popping a French fry into her mouth.

"Nope. Apparently he can't dance, which seems pretty typical of him. I think he spent the night talking to his roommate, Todd, but I could be wrong." Blossom answered.

"If I have to hear one more story about how Todd's poetry makes his heart beat with the power of one thousand suns or some shit like that I am seriously going to puke right on the kid." Marguerite chuckled, rolling her eyes. 

Blossom shook her head, "They're just friends! It's like you and me, for instance. If I said that you made my heart beat with the power of one thousand suns you would say 'Mine too!' I'm sure that's exactly how it is with them too. They're just supportive of each other."

"It just seems different with them. I can't put my finger on it."

"I'm sure Blossom's right," Ginny nodded, trying to help Marguerite's worried glance.

"Yeah, don't worry about it too much, Marg. Besides, you've got other things to think about. Is Amelia going to make the performance?"

The girls then engaged in conversation about Marguerite's mother and their own sets of parents, and soon, all of them had paid and were heading out.

"You want to spend the night?" Marguerite whispered to Blossom as Chris and Ginny excitedly took their spare change to place a new record on in the juke box.

"Of course I do!" and so, it was decided.

\---

Blossom was sprawled on Marguerite's carpeted floor, the latest Vogue issue opened up in front of her. "I can't believe Amelia created this line!" she gushed, her eyes full of wonder.

"It's pretty neat, isn't it?" Marguerite laughed, picking through records on her floor. "What show?"

"Pick your favorite," Blossom shrugged, not too phased by what music Marguerite put on. A bowl of pretzel sticks was in front of her, and she grabbed one to munch on. The sounds of West Side Story then filled the air, and Blossom chuckled, "How did I know?"

"It's beautiful," Marguerite gushed, lying next to Blossom on the floor. She faced the ceiling, and Blossom was still sprawled on her stomach, her eyes glazed over with all the different fashion tips and flashy outfits.

"I know you do. You haven't shut up about it since it opened two years ago."

"I can't help it!" Marguerite laughed, "I think it's brilliant."

"You and the rest of New York City." Blossom laughed, reaching over to the bowl and munching into another pretzel stick.

"I should call my mom," Marguerite stated, standing up and grabbing her phone from her night stand. She dialed the numbers she knew by heart, and took a deep breath. "You think she'll answer?"

"Of course," Blossom nodded, "She's your second biggest fan." Marguerite laughed, and thrust the phone between them. The two girl's faces were pressed close together, hopeful to hear the woman on the other end.

"Hello?" Amelia's voice broke through the air swiftly, "Who is this?"

"Hi, Mom!" Marguerite exclaimed, hoping she hadn't interrupted her mother's rest too badly. "I'm sorry if it's a bad time..."

"Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry. I was going to call you in Milan but I was so swamped. And don't worry about it. It's never a bad time. How are you?"

"I'm amazing," Marguerite happily but tiredly gushed.

"Hi, Amelia! I'm here too!" Blossom cut through, and Amelia smiled on the other end.

Amelia sat up, running a tired hand through her hair. The clock read one in the morning, but it didn't matter too much to her. She felt awful that she hadn't called her own daughter in nearly a month. Work consumed her, and when she had had the time, she was too exhausted to do so. But with Marguerite's happy confession and Blossom's funny comment every once in a while, Amelia didn't need the sleep so much anymore.

"How is the play going?" Amelia asked.

"Oh my god, it's so fucking—I mean so great. I'm so tired but it's worth it. This is the best cast I've ever worked with." Blossom immediately said, grabbing two pretzels and handing one to Marguerite who thanked her.

"You kiss your mother with that mouth of yours, Blossom?" Amelia threatened, but it was light-hearted. The three girls exchanged a happy round of laughter afterwords.

"No, seriously Mom. It's spectacular."

"Oh my god and her Romeo is so hot." Blossom gushed.

Amelia laughed, "You mean it isn't Harry?"

"Oh my god—Amelia, this never leaves this landline—but I've been there, done that. If Marg had to kiss him I'd puke for her."

"You just said yesterday if the world was ending you'd kiss Harry to stop it!"

"That was a moment of weakness," Blossom confessed, "But seriously, Neil Perry is at least one of the top ten most beautiful people I've ever seen."

"Oh my god, Blossom!" Marguerite laughed, "He's sweet, definitely. But he's not really my type."

"He goes to Welton. Which one's his roommate again? Charlie?"

"No, Charlie is Cameron's roommate." Marguerite corrected, "He's rooming with Todd."

"Ah, right! They're great friends, Amelia. Just like me and Marg."

"Wait, too many names. Which one's Romeo?" Amelia asked, confused by all the unfamiliar names spewing out of her daughter's mouth.

"Neil plays Romeo. He goes to Welton! He's got a lot of friends that all came to a party at Blossom's, so we met them. They're all very nice."

"They are!" Blossom agreed, "My assessment is that Knox is the sweetheart; Charlie is a total womanizer; Todd is the quiet, reserved type; and Meeks and Pitts are both very sweet. I haven't really talked to either of them too much, though. I'll have to throw another party."

"So Romeo likes his roommate?" Amelia asked, hoping she was getting the right ones.

"They're close." Marguerite's voice faded off for a moment, "But I think he does feel something for him. He talks about the kid like he's the next F. Scott Fitzgerald or something."

"Well shit, if he was I'd have a crush on him too." Blossom admitted, laughing. "Has he said anything to you about... you know."

"No," Marguerite bit her lip, "I don't think he knows. Or at least, he's too scared of it."

"Really?" Blossom shook her head, "I wouldn't have figured it out. You're just like Nancy Drew!"

"That I am," Marguerite laughed. "But back to the production, it's fantastic. Ron's the usual crabby self, the cast is amazing. Neil has never done any theatre before but he's incredible. And I get to act with my best friend every night so I really can't complain."

"She forgets she is equally and even more incredible than Neil. Seriously, Amelia, if you're free, you need to come see it. It's going to be spectacular."

"I will look into flights." Amelia promised.

"Mom, I think this is my favorite show I've ever done. Blossom is an incredible nurse. Her performance is not to be missed."

"Oh, stop flattering me." Blossom laughed, and kissed Marguerite's cheek.

"Mom! I forgot to tell you! Ron and Edeline got me a Juilliard audition. I find out in February if I can go. They really loved me!"

Amelia's heart soared. "Marguerite! I am so proud of you! Oh, I wish I could hug you!" The confession had slipped out, and Marguerite felt both of their heart strings pull.

"I miss you, Mom."

"I miss you too, Marg. You mean so much to me. Both of you."

It was silent for a moment afterwords, "My clock is two am, and I have to be at work tomorrow. I love both of you. I'll try better to call sooner."

"I love you too, Mom." Marguerite whispered, the line clicking on the other end.

Blossom smiled weakly at her best friend, threading her fingers through Marguerite's. She sat up from her position on the floor and took her hand away from Marguerite's warm touch. She brought her hands up to Marguerite's face and cupped it gently. "She'll call." she assured her best friend, planting a chaste kiss to her lips swiftly. The taller girl wrapped her arms around the smaller one and hummed gently along to 'Tonight' as it played in the background.

"I just wish she was home," came Marguerite's soft confession.

"I know you do, babe. I know you do."

The girls sat like that on Marguerite's floor for a few moments, taking in the quiet comfort of a familiar, heart-wrenching song and the arms around the other. There were no words needed to be muttered, and the two settled into a silence. The record had run it's way through the front and back, and Blossom shifted to play the record from the beginning.

The sounds of the symphony came bursting through, and Marguerite took a peek at the clock on the side of her table. The hands read only 8:20 PM, and she was surprised. She had thought it was much later than it was.

"Do you think that Maria really knew what she-" Blossom's question was stopped in mid-sentance by the sound of Marguerite's telephone ringing again.

"It's got to be Edeline." Marguerite said, holding her receiver up to her ear. "Hello?"

"Marguerite?" A voice that had become very familiar to her asked.

"Neil!" she smiled, once again thrusting the receiver between herself and Blossom.

"I'm here too!" Blossom cheered.

"Hi, Blossom! Charlie—stop!" A shuffle was heard, and Neil's frustrated voice rang through, "I have ten minutes! Let me talk to my friends!"

"Ask them!" Came a protest.

"Shut up, Charlie," it sounded only half-assed, and Blossom chuckled. "Okay, before Charlie bites my head off and asks you terribly, would you two like to come to a meeting tonight?"

"What?" Blossom furrowed her brows at Marguerite.

"Keep your damn voice down, Charlie!" Another voice hollered from the other end.

"Would you two like to become the first ladies to ever join a Welton non-official school group for one night?"

"Hold on, didn't Charlie bring—"

"Knox, none of us wanted them there." Neil's voice sounded a tad irritated by the constant badgerment of words from his friends.

"You two will the first official girls to ever be asked to join us at a meeting for the Dead Poets Society." The last part was whispered, as if no one else could hear it.

"Is this the infamous club you're always speaking of?" Marguerite asked.

"Yes! Bring something to read and something warm to wear. Unless you prefer not to read—but Todd already takes minutes, so you'll just have to sit and listen."

"Oh my god, that sounds great!" Blossom exclaimed, "What kind of stuff do we need?"

"Nolan's coming!" A frantic voice called out, probably belonging to Knox, from what the girl's could hear.

"It's in the cave I told you about, Marguerite. Midnight." And with that, the phone had been hung up.

Marguerite placed the receiver back into it's home, "Well, I think our night got a little longer."

"Do you know where we're going?"

"I think so," Marguerite nodded, "He told me all about it the other day at rehearsal. It sounds like a good time."

"I can't wait!" Blossom exclaimed, smiling widely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw you're in love with your best friend HAHAHAHH. uhmmm


	8. viii. The Facade is Cracking

"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck the marrow out of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau | Walden

\---

"Neil, why would you even think to invite them? We're already asking for our expulsion papers as it is!" Cameron complained, following the pack to the cave.

"Shut up, Cameron! I can't wait! Finally, after all these years, Neil has taken my advice on a matter!" Charlie cheered.

"Oh, don't act like it was your idea!" Knox shook his head, "Neil's been talking about this for weeks."

"Come on, guys," Neil rolled his eyes, "Let's just get inside. I hope the girls can find their way here."

"I'm sure they will." Todd reassured with a smile that was nearly invisible in the dark night air.

The seven boys clambered inside the cave; Pitts being careful not to hit his head. They all settled into their usual positions, and Charlie was the first to speak up. "And now, gentlemen, we wait."

Neil rolled his eyes as Charlie began to tell a tale of some girl he had met on his vacation to France the following summer. Neil was horribly uninterested once the story turned into the retelling of a make-out session, so he busied himself by checking his wrist watch. He then looked up, pleasantly surprised to hear the tinkling sounds of Marguerite and Blossom's voices floating through the air at exactly 12:01 AM.

"Neil, it is fucking freezing in this damn forest!" Blossom greeted profanely, her nose having turned pink from the cold. Charlie had stopped his story immediately, his eyes set on Blossom as if she were the only thing in the world.

Marguerite didn't look much warmer, and the girls had stuffed their mitten-covered hands deeply into their coat pockets. Their arms were linked, and they pulled apart as they ducked to find a spot to sit in the cave.

"We're glad we found you all." Marguerite smiled.

Blossom settled into a seat between Charlie and Steven Meeks, because she was determined to get to know both Gerard Pitts and the red-haired boy with glasses tonight. Marguerite sent her a smile from her place between Neil and Knox, and the girls shared a look of confusion and disbelief. The fact that all of these rambunctious boys could simply sneak out was quite impressive. Blossom was known for being able to figure out ways to get around people at school, but that was solely for the purpose of being late to class. Never to truly break any rules. 

"Well, everyone has arrived. Let's begin!" Neil stood up, his flashlight strategically placed in his hand as he read from a book that read The Five Centuries of Verse.

"Tonight's meeting will be featuring possible new initiates, Marguerite Leon and Blossom Kingsley. Todd, as he still prefers to not read, will be taking minutes, as always. The meeting will be conducted by me and the other members of the Dead Poets Society." Neil began the opening verse by Thoreau, and the realization of what Blossom and Marguerite were doing here finally hit the two.

On the ride over, Marguerite had retold stories Neil had told her off stage, but the two girls knew nothing compared to the sheer excitement coursing through their veins as Neil began the meeting. The girls observed quietly, taking in how quiet and full of purpose the boys around them seemed. It looked as if they were going to be in for a very interesting night.

"Who would like to begin?" Neil asked, looking around the cave at his friends. No one said anything for a moment, and there was a bit of an uncomfortable silence.

"I volunteer Marguerite and I to go first. We talked on the way over, and we've decided that we're going to do one of our scenes. Shakespeare counts as 'living deliberately', right?" Blossom stood up, careful to not hit head on the sloped part of the cave she was sitting underneath. 

"Of course!" Neil smiled. 

"I can't wait!" Meeks felt his face heat up, and was thankful when Marguerite cleared her throat, the attention immediately turning away from him.

"Blossom plays the Nurse to my Juliet." Marguerite explained. 

"Which scene are you going to do?" Neil asked, trying to play it off as if he wasn't as excited about this as he really was.

Todd had felt the excitement radiating from his friend from the moment that Blossom had spoken up, and Todd was excited, to say the least. However, Todd also felt like his face was burning at a thousand degrees and his stomach felt as if butterflies resided inside of it. He was still unsure of what that all meant, so he tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down.

"You'll see," Blossom smiled cheekily at Neil, and looked at Marguerite, "You ready?"

"Indeed," Marguerite nodded.

The moment the two girls began to speak, Knox and Charlie both knew that they were done for. If Marguerite hadn't looked so beautiful, or been so wonderfully talented, perhaps Knox wouldn't have felt like his heart was beating out of his chest. Charlie, on the other hand, wanted to do nothing more than grab Blossom's face and kiss her breathlessly. He was a man of simple needs, but he wanted to do anything in the world to get the heavenly girl before him to look his way.

Neil observed the group, but made sure to keep interested in the conversation that the two presenting were having. Meeks and Pitts, who were almost always attached at the hip, seemed enraptured by it. He was sure that Meeks would be reading and analyzing the play later, and Pitts was going to be talking about this for weeks to come. He saw the look in both Charlie and Knox's eyes, and he couldn't help but laugh to himself. Those two were hopeless. Even Cameron appeared to be enjoying himself, and that made Neil break into a smile.

"Well, you have made a simple choice; you know not how to choose a man: Romeo!" Blossom scoffed, and Todd couldn't help himself but laugh at Blossom's line delivery.

Neil finally looked at Todd, whose eyes were so focused on the two girls that Neil felt his heart leap. Todd was appearing to have a good time, and Neil was scared of how hard his heart was hammering against his chest. He found himself lost in the blond boy's features for a moment, and by the time he had gotten himself pulled together, the girls had finished.

It was silent for a moment before Marguerite spoke, "Well, did we live up to the incredibly high expectations that Neil has set for us?"

"More than that!" Knox shook his head ferociously, "You're spectacular, Marguerite! So are you, Blossom."

Marguerite smiled, happy that they had enjoyed. "Thank you." Blossom nodded a similar sentiment while the boys erupted in compliments, but she couldn't get over the way Knox had spoken to Marguerite. He was sweet. He was incredibly sweet, and she should have felt better about how kind the boy was to her best friend. But nothing could stop her from wishing that Marguerite could look at her the way she looked at Knox, even if it was only briefly.

"You're incredible," Charlie complimented as Blossom reclaimed her position on the cave floor next to him, "Really, you are."

"Thank you," Blossom said, pulling herself out of her funk by throwing a smile over her face. No one knew, and no one, as far as she was concerned, was ever going to. But something deep within Charlie's eyes told her that he knew and empathized, and that terrified her. She shifted uncomfortably and threw her eyes back towards Marguerite.

"I think I'll go next." Neil stood up, and looked at Marguerite who had sat down next to Knox once again. "Unless, if my lady says she does not want to go again."

"You said I had to bring one thing. We can't do the entire play for them. It'll spoil the ending!"

The group erupted in laughs, and soon, Neil was reciting something out of the book instead of Shakespeare. Charlie had taken the liberty to write an original piece, and Knox had recited the poem he had spoken in class the other day.

The night flew by, and the girls were thoroughly enjoying themselves. "Who are your favorite poets?" Pitts asked, changing the subject after Meeks' funny performance.

"Oh, that's easy!" Marguerite smiled, "Emily Dickinson!"

"Yes!" Blossom agreed, "We love her."

"I figured you two did," Meeks laughed, "She has some very good ones. What are your favorites?" 

"I'm quite fond of 'I'm Nobody! Who are you?' but I like almost all of her work." Blossom nodded. 

"I got her a book of Emily poems for her birthday last year." Marguerite smiled, "She didn't put that thing down for months."

"What other kinds of things do you like to read?" Cameron asked, intrigued that girls his age could enjoy reading. He hadn't thought them possible. 

"Oh, I adore the Brontë sisters, Jane Austen. Have you any of you read them?"

"I tried," Cameron replied, "I didn't quite like them. They were a bit too sappy for me."

"I read some," Todd's voice was soft against the others. "I thought they were good."

"Really?" Marguerite smiled widely at the quiet, blond boy. "Which did you read? I couldn't put down Emma for weeks!"

"And Pride and Prejudice," Blossom sighed happily.

"I liked both of those." Todd's face was flushed, as he was not used to the meeting's attention turning his way.

"Well, I'm impressed!" Blossom smiled at the boys, knowing that Todd was a bit overwhelmed by the attention. "Neil, you should have told us all of your friends were so well read! We might have come sooner!"

Marguerite laughed, "Blossom, they do go to Welton. Probably somehow assigned."

"It's bold of you to assume Charlie has ever read one of our assigned books."

Blossom laughed, "What's your favorite book?" She asked, turning her head to Charlie.

Truthfully, Charlie didn't think much of pleasure reading. He did it on occasion for school, but he wasn't big on going out and picking up a book to read it. "Oh, I don't know... Treasure Island?" He quickly said, hoping that he could remember details from the only book he had actually read for class.

"That's a good one! My favorite is Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. I absolutely adore her."

"Pride and Prejudice for me. Jane Austen," Marguerite sighed, a smile falling into her face. 

"Well, now that that's settled," Blossom laughed, "It's nearing three in the morning, and I'm sure we all have things to do tomorrow. I'm exhausted. Marguerite, would you like to call it a night?"

"I would love to!" Marguerite smiled, "Not that I haven't had a marvelous time. Thank you so much, Neil!" Marguerite leaned over to press a chaste kiss to Neil's cheek, and jumped off of her rock to link her arm with Blossom's.

"Thank you all so much for tonight!" Blossom smiled, "I had a wonderful time. Most boys who go to my school have never even heard of Jane Austen. It was nice to finally meet and talk to all of you."

"Goodnight!" Marguerite called, taking out her flashlight from her pocket as she had Blossom left the cave. After the two enigmatic girls had left, Charlie groaned a sigh of desperation.

"Oh, god. She's beautiful."

"Charlie, don't be so over dramatic. You know you don't have any chance with her." Cameron rolled his eyes, sick of Charlie's antics.

"I thought they were absolutely wonderful!" Pitts smiled, "You have great friends, Neil!"

"I'm glad you all liked them. Thanks for letting me invite them!" Neil smiled back, happy to hear the similar sentiments spoken by his other friends.

"Are you seeing Marguerite?" Knox asked, interrupting the elated conversation in the cave.

"What?" Neil laughed, quite bewildered, "Of course not!"

"Thank god," Knox let out a loud sigh. "She's so beautiful I think I'm going to die. I've never felt this way about anything, Neil. I love her!"

"Knox, you don't even know her!"

"I love her, Neil!"

"Can we all please stop the antics? We need to be getting back if we're not going to miss breakfast tomorrow." Cameron reminded the group, tapping his wrist watch.

"That's true," Pitts nodded, "The love sick ones can walk behind us."

Neil stood up and blew the candle in the cave out, then took his flashlight out of his coat pocket. "Come on, you guys. Cameron's right. We need to be getting back."

Neil led the pack out, Meeks and Pitts on his heels. Cameron was quick behind them, and Todd was taking no time to follow behind as well. Charlie and Knox were left to trudge behind the group, their flashlights and the cold snow around them making it difficult to find joy in the walk.

"Normally, I feel so energetic after meetings." Knox sighed.

"Have you ever been in love, Knox?" Charlie asked, keeping his voice down as they surveyed their friends running through the woods.

"Yes." Knox answered.

"No, I mean real love. Not puppy love."

"This is real love! I love Marguerite!"

"Knox," Charlie admonished.

"Fine," Knox sighed, "I just really like Marguerite. I've never felt this away about anyone, Charlie. Not even Chris!"

"Chris was short lived."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. But what about you? The infamous Charlie Dalton must have at least one escapade in his summer romance stories about love."

"No," Charlie sighed hopelessly, the pent up feelings from so long ago that he had pushed down were sure to surface sometime, and he didn't want them to. He was very adamant against them ever coming up and out. "I've never been in love." He had been very confused lately. Blossom was making him feel the same things he had felt a long time ago, and he was sure that those feelings were never going to come out again. Having affairs, kissing unknown women and the occasional boy in his France summers, those were what he was known for. Those were who he was. He was Charlie Dalton, and sometimes, that title was exhausting.

Knox laughed, "That was a long pause. Did she break your heart?"

Charlie suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to cry. He concentrated on his flashlight and how they were nearly caught up to the other boys instead, their running pace having slowed. Neil was talking quickly and quietly about something to Todd, and Knox placed a hand on Charlie's forearm, pulling him back into the world.

"Char?"

"What?"

"She broke your heart, didn't she?"

Charlie looked up to Neil's infectious smile ahead of them and then moved his head to look at Knox carefully, the soft brown eyes only making him more confused and his heart crack even more. "Yeah, something like that." He put on his signature Charlie Dalton smile, and the conversation was forgotten.


	9. ix. Rehearsals

"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature." - Jane Austen | Northanger Abbey

\---

"Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not home tonight?" The boy who played Mercutio asked, his voice loud in the theatre.

"Not to his father's. I spoke with his man." The boy playing Benvolio replied.

The scene began to play out, and as Mercutio said "You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night," Neil missed his entrance.

"Neil!" Ron yelled, jumping out of his chair in the audience to get himself onto the stage. When he didn't surface he threw a question out. "Where the hell is Neil?"

The actors playing Benvolio and Mercutio let out a large sigh, knowing that they were going to have to restart from the beginning of their scene.

"I need more from you two! There's no passion! Blossom," Ron exclaimed, spotting Blossom and Marguerite offstage. "I need you to find Neil and tell him to get out here."

"He's getting fitted!" Blossom argued back, sticking her head out from behind the curtain offstage.

"Tell him I don't care! I want him out here now!" Ron replied, sighing heavily before slinking back to his seat.

"I am going to kill that old man." Blossom chuckled, and Marguerite laughed along with her.

The two parted ways as Blossom went to get Neil from costumes. Marguerite immediately struck up a conversation with the boys playing Benvolio and Mercutio, and Blossom could hear her delightfully tinkling laugh as she walked away.

Blossom began to chuckle as she thought of Ron. She was going to be glad when there was finally a day that Ron Oscar didn't yell at her to get things done for him, however, she was also going to be quite sad when she graduated in a year. Ron was one of the best teachers she had ever had, and he had truly changed her life. Upon reaching the dressing room where the fittings took place, Blossom knocked on the door three times, knowing that Edeline was inside fitting and finishing up the final touches for the kid's costumes.

"Come on in!" Edeline's voice sang, and Blossom opened the door to quite a hilarious sight.

Edeline had pins in her mouth, her short hair was pulled back into a terrible excuse for a bun, and she looked like she hadn't slept in about a month. Neil was trying, in vain, to offer her some help, but she only shook her head. "If you move one more time I'm going to poke you on purpose!" She cried, pulling away from his draping outfit to meet Blossom's eyes.

"Blossom, darling!" Edeline smiled widely, "What brings you here? I thought your costume fit perfectly! Did Ron not like it? I swear to God I will kill him this time. I really will. I share my costume ideas months before we even cast and he has the nerve—I'm going to ring his neck!"

"Edeline! I'm just here for Neil. He's due outside."

"What about?" Neil asked, jumping down from his place, much to the dismay of Edeline.

"Neil Perry as God is my witness if you even move one of those pins, I will ring your neck." Edeline warned but Neil just smiled. "You tell Ron I don't care if Neil does miss his scenes today. His costume is falling apart and if I don't fix it today I'll never get around to it."

"Yes, sir!" Blossom saluted, laughing, as she led Neil out of the dressing room that was invaded with costumes.

"What does Mr. Oscar want?" Neil asked, moving the pin that was sticking him in the hip and securing it on his cape.

"Beats the hell out of me," Blossom shrugged, "I was talking to Marguerite backstage so I have no idea."

"Great," Neil sighed, but laughed as Blossom hit him on the shoulder.

"Neil!" Ron exclaimed, "You missed your cue!"

"Well yes, Sir, I was getting fitted."

"That's not an excuse," Ron argued, "Somebody get me Edeline. We can't rehearse anything if she's takes our leads to get fitted!"

However, Edeline, knowing that something like this would happen, as it always did, was right on Neil's heels.

"Over my dead body!" Edeline exclaimed, surfacing from the backstage, "I give you costume plans months in advance! This is what we had in storage from the last time you did this! Ron, this is our umpteenth production together! My job is to make sure I make you look good! So I will pull out the actors when I damn well please!"

Blossom couldn't help but laugh, turning to Marguerite as she walked away from the boys playing Benvolio and Mercutio. "This is a good one!"

"Blossom!" Marguerite laughed, her eyes trailing Blossom.

"Edeline, how many times have I told you! I can't rehearse if you steal my actors! This production will sink if they don't all get ample rehearsal time! I can't have this production become a mess on my watch!"

"Oh, so you're saying I'm making this production a mess! That's rich!" Edeline shrieked back, and the two engaged into a very verbal fight, the tension in the room high. Neil quickly shrunk away, and took his place next to Marguerite and Blossom.

"This is such a great one." Blossom exclaimed, her eyes wide with wonder, "They haven't fought this much since Harry tried to play Iago."

"Oh my god," Marguerite laughed, "That was an eyesore. I didn't even dream that they could possibly fight more!" She turned to Neil, "How does it feel to be the starting point of this one?"

Neil looked very overwhelmed, "Awful! Look at them! They're animals!"

"I'm still convinced they're sleeping together." Blossom confessed, throwing her hands up.

"How could they be sleeping together?" Neil laughed, "They don't seem to even like each other." 

"Oh, Neil," Marguerite laughed, "Edeline has been my friend and tutor since before I can remember. They hate each other too much to have done nothing."

"Really?"

"Really," Marguerite replied, watching the scene come to an end before them.

"He's wearing this!" Edeline screeched, stomping off of the stage and grabbing Neil's arm to drag him along with her.

Neil sent Marguerite and Blossom a hilarious, terrified look, and the two erupted in laughter as the fight cooled down.

Ron exhaled loudly from his nose, "You know, I don't feel like doing this scene anymore. Friar! I need to speak with you!"

Marguerite laughed, following Blossom to their dressing room. The other girls had already put up their things for their separate little areas, and Blossom and Marguerite had as well. Marguerite plopped onto the counters, sitting herself directly on top of them. Blossom took the seat in front of her, smiling widely at her.

"You remember when we were fourteen and we snuck out of rehearsal for The Tempest to smoke cigarettes?"

"Yes!" Blossom laughed, "I stole them from my dad because we wanted to look so cool..."

"And we couldn't even finish one!" Marguerite cackled, the memory playing over in her mind.

"I'm glad we never made that into a habit. Smoking is going to be terrible for you, I know it."

"Plus, it tastes horrendous."

"Thankfully, I don't remember how it tastes." Blossom laughed. It was silent for a moment before she frowned, "You ever think about how close you are to being done with all of this?"

"I try not to," Marguerite shook her head, running her fingers over a groove in the makeup counter. "I don't want to miss any of this. I don't have much time left here, and you know as well as I that everything's going to be different when I graduate." She sighed, "All I know is that I love you, and a hundred or so miles isn't going to change that. You're my best friend, Blossom."

"I love you, Marg." Blossom earnestly said, her eyes fixated on the pretty girl in front of her.

"I love you too, Blossom!" Marguerite smiled at her friend, "Do you think we'll all be friends with Neil after this year?"

"Oh, I don't know," Blossom answered truthfully.

"He's wonderful. It's a shame we haven't known the kid longer. His friends are nice, too."

"But?" Blossom asked, raising an eyebrow. She could tell that there was something Marguerite wasn't telling her.

"But... but sometimes, I worry about him."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I think I might be making all of this up in my head, but there's something off about him to me. He just seems so... displaced. It's like he's here but he isn't really here, you know? He feels alive here, but when we aren't here, it's like he's underwater."

"That's awful," 

"You remember how he said he faked that signature?"

"Oh my god,"

"I've got a terrible feeling about that."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't know. It's probably nothing, but I just can't put my finger on it. Did I tell you about yesterday?"

"No..." Blossom felt her voice fade away.

"We got done with rehearsal early, and I invited him over to practice lines. It went really splendidly. He started to talk about his friends and school and parents and my friends and those sorts of things, and he was telling me all these wonderful things about Todd. I mean, he spoke at lengths of his other friends, but Todd just keep coming back to the conversation, you know? Everything was Todd this, Todd that. It was really very interesting. Then I thought back to when we were at the meeting. He seems to just... glow around the kid. Did you notice that?" 

"What?" Blossom asked, feeling her cheeks tinge pink. Marguerite's mother was quite the connoisseur of the still unfortunately mostly underground LGBT movements in America and in Paris. The two girls were kept very well informed of what was happening everywhere via Amelia. "How could you possibly know?"

"Walt Whitman was gay, wasn't he?"

"Marg that makes absolutely no sense—"

"Let me finish!" Marguerite exclaimed, "He talks about Todd like the kid puts the stars in the sky! We both already knew he did, but I really think he loves him, Blossom! I think he loves him and I think he's too scared to tell him because his father—oh my god, his father. Blossom, I've never seen anyone as genuinely scared of their parents as Neil is of his. It's horrifying."

"That's awfully terrible about his father. But on the whole Todd thing, he could just be supportive of him. Just like how I'm supportive of you."

"This is different," Marguerite pressed, and Blossom felt her heart twist. She was on the edge of saying something dangerous. She could feel it rising within her. 

No, she wanted to say, this isn't any different, Marg. But she couldn't tell Marguerite how passionately she felt about her, so she let the conversation lull.

"Marguerite!" Neil exclaimed, knocking on the door. "Ron wants us to run Act III Scene V!" 

"I'll be back." Marguerite assured, jumping off of the table to go to meet Neil outside. The words she had thought to say had been squashed. Her throat felt thick with emotion. 

Blossom begrudgingly followed behind Neil and Marguerite as the two kept a steady pace ahead of her. They were talking quickly, always overlapping the other. Blossom knew she talked quickly, but she had found her rhythm with Marguerite; just as it seemed Neil had. Her heart ached for Neil, because she knew exactly what he was going through. The pain of falling in love with your best friend was all too much to handle sometimes.

"That's it for tonight!" Ron exclaimed, just as she entered the stage with the two. "If you're not Romeo or Juliet, go home! Neil, Marguerite," Ron smiled at the two, his fight with Edeline long since forgotten. "Begin!"

Blossom lingered a while behind the two, watching with careful eyes. She shook her head, swallowed her pain, and left the theatre.

"Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day." Marguerite recited, her persona immediately dropped into the lovesick girl. Her mind was still whirring from the conversation she had stroke up with Blossom earlier, and she wondered if perhaps, just this once, she was right about something. Neil was a wonderful boy, but as much as it pained her to think, she didn't truly think he was very happy. As his lips moved with his own lines, Marguerite began to think of what was to become of him if his father ever found out about the play. 

She couldn't let his father do anything to stop the boy's vivacious dreams. Neil had spoken to her of them wildly, his eyes full of what Marguerite knew all too well herself. He was a hopeless romantic who had fallen in love with the theatre, and she could not have been happier for him. But on the other hand, if his father ever did find out about the play, perhaps Marguerite could say something to him. If Neil couldn't say it himself, she was determined to for him. She tightened her grip around the boy, pulling herself back into the reality of the scene.

The words she had planned for Blossom only moments ago were long gone, pushed back to where they would settle and stew for months to come.


	10. x. Desk Set

"In the flush of love's light, we dare be brave And suddenly we see that love costs all we are and ever will be." - Maya Angelou | Touched By An Angel

\---

Neil couldn't help but smile as he embarked on his bike ride back to Welton. The play was, quite frankly, the best thing to ever happen to him; and his parents still had yet to find out! He felt like he was floating! The air around Welton felt crisper, lighter than a feather! He could have shrieked and jumped for joy, but he stuck to a happy sauntering pace as he walked to the dorms.

People were milling around outside, as it had just turned dark. He was carefully and quickly putting his script within his messenger bag when he saw a figure that looked all too familiar.

"Todd? Hey." He greeted, looking down at friend. Todd was slumped against the side of the school in only his white button up and tie, and a desk set sat next to him. He looked like he had seen an ghost. "What's going on?" Neil asked, looking between Todd's face and the desk set.

"Nothing. Today's my birthday," came Todd's soft confession.

"Is today your birthday?" Neil immediately felt bad. "Happy birthday!" He wished Todd had told him about it sooner. He could have gotten him a gift or he could have planned a special meeting just for him.

"Thanks," Todd mumbled.

"What'd you get?"

"My parents gave me this." Todd said, turning his head to look at the desk set that lay beside him.

"Isn't this the same—"

"Yeah, yeah." Todd nodded, "They gave me the same thing as last year."

"Oh," Was all Neil could muster up to say. He and Todd were never quite as vocal as he figured they should have been about their own personal lives and struggles with their parents, and Neil felt bad for the boy before him. Todd meant a lot to him, as he was sure that he did to the other poets as well.

"Oh," Todd reiterated, looking back down at the ground.

Suddenly, an idea formed in Neil's head. A smile played on his lips as he started to talk. "Maybe they thought you needed another one." He offered.

"Maybe they weren't thinking about anything at all. The funny thing about this is that I didn't even like it the first time." Todd sighed, his eyes on the ground.

"Todd, I think you're underestimating the value of this desk set." Neil smiled, and could have smiled even wider when Todd began to play along with his scheme. He handed the desk set to Todd, and there was a fleeting moment in which Todd flung the desk set over the walkway.

Todd was smiling so hard that he felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt liberated! The weight that had been hanging over him today had all but gone away, and he was glad of it. Neil was always helpful during those moments, and Todd couldn't help but smile breathlessly at the boy next to him.

"Well, I would't worry." Neil smiled widely at him, "You'll get another one next year."

It was silent for a moment after he had spoken, and the two boys stared at each other in the chilly night air. Todd finally realized how cold he truly was, and shivered, and Neil stood with his hands in his pockets. Todd's heart was beating quickly, as it always seemed to do in moments like these.

"We better be getting back," Neil said, breaking the silence between the two. "They'll think we've gone missing."

Todd nodded, swallowing silently as he followed his enigmatic roommate. Todd found himself once again admiring the taller boy. Neil was everything Todd couldn't be: defiant, loud, energetic. His personal feelings were simply out of friendship, he reminded himself. The truth of the matter was simple: Todd had no idea how he felt about Neil, and for that reason, it terrified him to his core.

"Todd, are you okay?" Neil asked once they had gotten into their dorm room, "You don't feel sick, do you? Hey, maybe I can steal a cookie or something from the kitchen! It is your birthday, after all."

"No, no. I'm fine." Todd lied, throwing a quick smile over his face.

"I feel bad I missed it," Neil replied.

"Well, I didn't tell you about it, so it's alright."

"Next time, you have to tell me!"

"Okay," Todd nodded, and went to his desk to close up his notebook. He had been trying to write poetry for days now, but nothing was coming to him. 

"Are you working on something new?"

"No," Todd replied honestly, holding the notebook close to his body. "And even if I was, I wouldn't want you to read it."

"Harsh," Neil laughed, then tried to lean over and look at what Todd had been writing. Truly, since that day in class, it had been easier for Todd to feel a bit more open with his poetry, but he was still very insecure about all of it. He didn't like anyone to read his works until he felt good about them himself. 

Todd quickly closed the notebook, not wanting to let him see any of it. "Neil, it's my birthday." He reminded, hoping that would deter him. He turned to give him a glare, but found that Neil's face was much close to his own.

He stared at him for a moment, the two pressed close together. Neil's eye's flickered down to Todd's lips, and Todd felt his heart leap up to his throat. "Happy birthday, Todd." Neil whispered, his heart hammering so loudly that he was sure Todd could hear it.

Neil had already blown his chance tonight, and he didn't know if he could live with himself if he blew it again. If they had not been outside, he would have kissed the blond boy's cold lips. But with the milling about of students and teachers; he knew it wasn't worth the risk.

Neil felt frozen as he stood next to Todd, his limbs solid. He let his gaze linger down to Todd's lips and knew that if he didn't do it now, he was never going to get the courage to again. So, he mustered up every ounce of courage he had within himself, tried to slow his beating heart, and leaned in to kiss his roommate.

"Neil!" Came a voice, and immediately, Todd spring-boarded away from Neil, his face flushed painfully red and his heart pounding so hard he wasn't sure if he was still breathing.

Neil blinked, knowing that whatever had just happened between the two of them was something powerful. He had felt it in the air, and he could have cursed the person at their door.

"Neil!" Came the voice again. "Neil, I need something from you!"

"Charlie," Neil sighed, opening the door to his boisterous best friend, "What do you need?"

"I need a phone number from you. I've got to call Blossom Kingsley right this minute. Hi, Todd!" He greeted.

"Hi," Todd nodded, and squeezed past the two to take his night clothes to the showers. He needed to get out of the dorm room badly. Neil's eyes followed him painfully as he walked out, but was quick to cover up the look as he went about to help Charlie.

"Here, I've got it in my bag." Neil replied, walking over to his messenger bag. Over the past few days, he had accumulated quite a few things. Pencils, sticks of chewing gum, and a friendship bracelet Ginny had made for Marguerite were all falling out of his bag. "Here it is," Neil said, his hands clasping the paper with Blossom's numbers written on it.

"Oh, Neil!" Charlie exclaimed, "Neil, you wonderful man!" Charlie's unprecedented feelings for the the taller boy had been so strong so many years ago, but they had withered away with the time. He was glad of it, too. Neil was his best friend, and he didn't know how else to thank him for the wonderful numbers bestowed upon him. "You're the best!" Charlie cheered, grabbing Neil's face and enthusiastically kissing him on the lips, thinking that that was the best way to showcase his immense gratitude.

Charlie knew that his eighth-grade self would have kicked him for the gesture, but nothing was ever going to be said about it. If my younger self could see me now, Charlie thought, not quite knowing how painful all of it was going to be later. He had a bit too much fun with it, and a sputtering Neil was quick to push him off; but not before Todd had returned to the room.

Todd had returned from the showers because he had forgotten his robe, but his worries of leaving his robe inside of his room where immediately halted to the sight he had just seen. His heart had only just slowed, but now it was going a million miles a moment all over again. Had he dreamed whatever had just happened in their room moments before?

Neil saw the look pass over Todd's face quickly as Charlie cheered and muttered some other inane gratitude his way. "Todd," Neil's heartbroken voice sang out, wanting to do something about that pain stricken look in Todd's eyes.

"This is the best day of my entire life. I will name my first born after you!" Charlie cheered, turning and coasting out of their room.

"Todd," Neil spoke again, "Todd..."

"Y-You don't have to say anything, Neil." Todd looked up at him and nodded, "I'll be back later."

"No, Todd! That wasn't—" But Todd turned to him without a goodbye and was gone, his robe in his right hand.

And suddenly, Neil's great day felt all the more exhausting and terrible. If Charlie hadn't barged in, everything would be fine! But oh, Neil still didn't even know how he felt about Todd. He didn't even know if it was right to feel how he felt about Todd. He certainly didn't know anyone who felt the way about girls that perhaps he did about boys, so maybe all of it had been in his head.

He was crazy. He was sure he was crazy. No one thought about kissing their roommates or silly things like Neil had been thinking about for weeks. Neil changed into his pajamas, thoughts still spiraling and swirling through his head.

He felt an overwhelming urge to cry, unsure of his place and unsure of what he want and felt. He was so unsure that it made him sick. He was always sure about things. His friends, how he felt about acting, how he enjoyed spending time with Mr. Keating. He felt like he was going to be incredibly, horribly sick. His lungs heaved for air but couldn't get any, and he could have fainted right on the spot.

He had to see Keating. He couldn't name one feeling that was coursing through his passionate veins, but he knew that whatever he was feeling, Mr. Keating was going to be able to help him. So, just before lights went out, Neil coasted down the hallway, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks; and headed for Mr. Keating's room.

It took one knock on his favorite teacher's door for the man to call him inside. "Keating?" Neil asked upon entering the room, looking around at the small space. "I need to talk to you."

"My! Are you alright? Here, I'll get you some tea. Milk?" Neil shook his head, "Sugar?" Neil repeated the action, and Keating worked quickly to hand him the cup. "What's wrong?"

"I..." Neil stammered, the tea cup shaking in his hands as he set it down on Mr. Keating's desk to look around for a moment. "I don't know."

"Of course you know. Just ask me the question. You know you can always come to me about anything, Neil."

"But I don't know what I want to ask you, Mr. Keating. I just... I feel like there's this rock inside of me that's weighing me down and I can't place it or name it but it feels like it's been stuck there my whole life and I can't move it. I always sort of knew it was there, but after this year, especially, I think it's only weighed me down more. I don't know what to do," He began to cry, but was quick to wipe at his eyes. "Captain, I'm scared." Came his whispered confession.

"What are you scared of?"

"I..." Neil wasn't sure he could bring himself to even say it. Before he knew it, a sob had escaped his lips, but he took a hard breath to try and calm himself. "I like Todd."

"Why are you scared of that? Todd's a marvelous boy. He's intelligent and very kind."

"That's just it, Mr. Keating," Neil cried bitterly to him, "I like him, and that's wrong! I'm supposed to feel that way about girls!"

"You're not supposed to feel anything but what you feel is right. Who cares what others think of you? If this is what you truly feel, then there's no one who can truly say to you that what you feel is wrong. People can laugh in your face and kick copies of Byron at you on the beach; but they cannot tell you how to live your life, Neil."

"I'm trapped," Neil cried, "Even if I tell him, I can't do anything about it. My father doesn't know about the play yet, and I don't ever want him to. And if he found out about this—"

"You don't have to tell your father, Neil. You should tell him about your passion for acting, how it makes you feel alive as you have told me. Cross one bridge at a time. Soon, you'll be graduated and eighteen and you can do whatever you want with your life. Don't feel that Welton is the last place you'll ever be, Neil. When you're in the real world, none of this will matter. But what you feel passionately about, that will. Poetry, beauty, romance, love. These are things we stay alive for. Don't let things you're passionate about wither away from you."

Neil sniffled, sending a warm, thankful smile Keating's way. "Thank you," he sighed, "I don't know what I would do without you, Mr. Keating."

-

Neil had managed to get away from the other boys quickly, mumbling about his homework and how he needed to get some sleep because rehearsal had been long. When Todd reentered the room, it didn't take long for him to turn the lights off. There was an uncomfortable silence between the two, and Neil was angry that he had let the silence overtake them for so long.

"Todd," Neil whispered desperately, knowing his roommate couldn't have been asleep. "Todd!" He whispered again, knowing if he didn't do it before the night was over, he was going to lose every nerve he had.

"What do you want, Neil?" Todd cried.

"I like you! I like you so much that it terrifies me!" He whispered passionately, standing up and planting himself on the end of Todd's bed.

"What?" Todd's heart leaped up to his throat

"I swear that earlier that was just Charlie being Charlie! I can't even begin to tell you how scared I've been to say that to you. I really can't. Hell, it still scares me." Neil's sincere words finally broke through Todd's exterior, and Todd felt his eyes begin to prick with tears. His heart was hammering just as loud as it had been earlier, right before Charlie had crashed in.

"You—I'm sorry, you what?" Todd felt like his head was spinning. Neil liked him. Neil liked him. His heart was hammering in his chest and his palms were so sweaty he had to wipe them off on his bed sheets. His stomach dropped with the confession because the weight of whatever Todd had been feeling only seemed to get stronger upon his shoulders. It suddenly hit him like a truck. He liked Neil. He liked Neil in the way he should have liked girls, and that was so terrifying to him that at the moment it was all he could do to not pass out.

"Does that scare you?" Neil asked, his voice suddenly a soft whisper in the night.

"Yes," Todd replied, "It scares the hell out of me."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Just... just forget I said anything, okay?" Neil's rushed through his words, and he moved to stand up, but Todd grabbed his forearm tightly.

"No, Neil," Todd's voice felt like it was going to float away from his body. "I'm scared of it too, because I don't know what it means."

Neil's voice was a faint whisper in their room. "You... you feel the same way about me?"

"Yes."

"Oh," Neil said breathlessly.

"So Charlie really was being just Charlie?"

"Isn't he always?" Neil laughed, and Todd found himself enraptured by the sound. The entire situation at hand felt too good to be true, but if it was already a dream, he was going to make the most out of it that he could.

"I-I really wanted to kiss you." Todd's voice was so faint that he almost couldn't hear himself.

Neil's heart pounded even harder with the words, and he inched himself closer to Todd on the boy's bed. "Like this?" He asked, feeling like that rock in his stomach was only getting stronger. The weight on Todd's shoulders was terrifyingly heavy, and he could barely breathe as Neil placed a soft hand on his cheek.

Todd fluttered his lashes closed, and then Neil's lips were on his own and he pulled the boy closer, the weight on his shoulders gone. "Oh, Neil," Todd sighed, pulling him closer against himself.

It was now Neil's turn to pull apart, and he was so overwhelmed by everything that was happening that he felt like he was going to cry from the intensity of it all. The idea that had been swarming around in his head for the past few months was strong now, and with Todd's blue eyes set so carefully on his own; the words should have floated out of his mouth simply.

Because in that moment, Neil Perry had realized how he was truly in love with his roommate. But even though he was brave, he was not always good with words; nor did it appear he was any good at confessing how he truly felt about things. Neil felt a hole grow in his heart as he tried, in vain, to utter the three little words Todd's way. When it became clear to him that he could not, no matter how hard he tried, he stopped his swirling brain by pulling Todd in to kiss him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay rights!!!!! <3


	11. xi. Slipping Away

"If you try to specialize love into one set of accepted feelings, you wound the very soul of love." -D. H. Lawrence

\---

The morning after their last rehearsal, Marguerite had woken up with a phone call from her mother. She was always eager to get phone calls from her, even if they were at ungodly hours in the day.

"Marguerite," Amelia's voice was timid, hinting at a sad undertone. "I don't know if I'll be able to make your play, darling. I know it's important to you, but I don't think I can fit it into my schedule. I'm so sorry."

"Oh," Marguerite deflated as her mother continued to talk about how busy she was. "Well, Mom, that's alright. I—I know you're busy. Don't worry about it."

"I love you, Marguerite." Amelia reminded her daughter, and then she hung the phone up.

Marguerite stared up at her bedroom ceiling, the pale blue color of it doing nothing to calm her down. She sighed heavily, her mind awhirl with all of the different things that were happening to her. Her mother, as busy as she always was, always managed to make the play; no matter what kind of work she was doing. She felt her eyes fill with tears. It wasn't that she necessarily needed her mother to see her in Romeo and Juliet. Marguerite knew there would be plenty of other opportunities for her mother to see her on stage, but it had been nearly six months since she had last seen her, and that was beginning to create a large hole in her chest.

So, Marguerite did what she always did when she wasn't quite sure how to deal with her feelings. She bottled them up, and quickly got ready for her long day of tutoring. Edeline, she figured, was almost as much of a mother to her as Amelia was. Edeline had always been there for her, no matter what. While she loved Edeline, she couldn't help but want more from her own mother.

Edeline and Amelia had been friends for so many years, and she was utterly grateful that they had been, otherwise, she would have not gotten the impeccable tutoring that she had been receiving. By the time the daily sessions of math, reading, and sciences were over; it was time to go to rehearsal.

Marguerite was always glad that Henley Hall had been there for her. Perhaps it wasn't quite the best theatre education she could have gotten, but it was important to her and to helping her decide what she wanted to do when she was older. Blossom was already up front, chatting happily to Harry and some of the other castmates.

"I'm having another one this weekend. Tell your friends. Saturday!" Blossom said.

"Whole cast invited?" Marguerite asked, smiling widely.

"Of course, my dear." Blossom winked, laughing.

"Alright everybody, stop messing around. Let's start from the beginning of Act Three." Ron said as he entered from stage left, a notebook in his hand.

"Where's my scene partner?" Marguerite asked, looking around for Neil.

He didn't appear to be anywhere, and she frowned. Perhaps he was already backstage. She set her things down, walked up stage right, and was glad to find Neil sitting backstage. His head was in his hands, and he was slumped in a chair.

"Neil?" Marguerite's voice rang out, pulling his notice to her, "Neil, are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Sorry," he replied, shaking his head.

"Are you sure?" She asked, looking him over as he stood up.

"Yeah," Neil answered, "I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Well," Marguerite spoke quickly, knowing that there was going to be only a short time before they were going to go on, "Do you want to butt out early and talk about it? I think they're rehearsing the end scenes anyways, and we're dead then."

"I—uh, I guess so." Neil replied, not taking his eyes away from the scene that was playing out before them.

"It's a date," Marguerite nodded somberly, and was off, running across the stage as lines came fluidly from her mouth.

From the audience, Blossom, who had been bent over her math homework, watched as her two friends did one of the most famous scene out of the play. It looked so polished, so clean and well rehearsed. They danced around each other and smiled like they were really in love. Blossom bit her lip harshly, wondering back to what had happened to her last night as she watched Neil prance around.

His friend Charlie had called her, and while she adored Neil and his friends, she wasn't quite sure she adored them as they thought she might have. Blossom enjoyed having friends, and many of them, at that, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to go on a date with Charlie. Of course, it wasn't really a date, but he had asked to attend her party on the upcoming weekend, and Blossom had told him that he could. He was a very sweet boy, but she wasn't sure she quite shared his overzealous excitement for her. He was nice, though, and Blossom looked back down at her homework, wanting the sinking feeling in her stomach to go away. Maybe she could kiss him tomorrow and forget about her fears for a moment or two.

-

"Marg, where are you headed?" Blossom asked, catching her friend by the forearm quickly as Marguerite raced out of the backstage area into the audience.

"Home! I'm not in the end scenes." Marguerite looked around a moment, then moved closer to her to whisper in her friend's ear, "Neil's been acting really strange. I'm going to take him with me and talk to him for awhile. I'm worried about him."

"Take care of him," Blossom nodded, and Marguerite took her into her arms for a swift hug. She pressed chaste kisses to each of the blonde girl's cheeks, wishing she could mutter three little words, and was off, Neil trailing behind her.

"Alright," Marguerite began after she had parked at her house and helped Neil take his bike out of the trunk, "What's the matter with you?"

"I don't know," Neil replied, shaking his head as he followed Marguerite into her house.

"Marguerite! Is that you, honey?" A voice called out that Marguerite had not heard in so long, she was almost sure that she was imagining things. But she turned her head to look at the floor, and sure enough, her mother's pale blue trunks were littered all around.

"Mom?" Marguerite choked out, her eyes filling with tears as her mother appeared from the kitchen. She looked different from the last time she had seen her. More regal and intoxicating, if that was even possible. "I didn't know you were coming home!"

"I thought I'd suprise you, baby." Marguerite broke into a cry, and she quickly closed the distance between them as she took her mother into her arms.

"Oh, I've missed you so much!" She cried, holding onto her mother like she was a raft in the middle of the ocean.

"I've missed you more, sweetheart." Amelia replied, holding her daughter tightly to her chest. It had been much too long of an absence, and she didn't ever want to leave her daughter for so long ever again. She sighed, knowing that she was always going to have to leave her daughter no matter how much she didn't want to. "I figured I had to come out and see you, Miss Juliet. Don't you open in less than two weeks?"

"Yes," Marguerite pulled away, wiping her eyes quickly. "Oh my god, Neil, I'm so sorry! This is my mom, Amelia! Mom, this is Neil!"

"Ah, the infamous Romeo! I've heard many wonderful things about you. It's so nice to finally meet you!"

Neil smiled, "It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Leon. Marguerite, um, I can take a rain check on the talk. You should be with your mother."

"Oh, don't be silly!" Amelia laughed, "Please, take your shoes off! Stay for awhile! I can make you two some tea."

"Mom, you don't have to."

"Marguerite, I've missed out on so much of your life. The least you can let me do is make some tea for you and your friend. Besides, we have two weeks to catch up on our lives."

"If you insist," Marguerite smiled again, and kissed her mother's cheek.

Soon, Amelia was off to their kitchen, and Marguerite and Neil were left alone in her living room. "I'm so sorry," Marguerite smiled despite herself, "I didn't know she was coming. Now, let's sit down. What's wrong?"

"Are you sure you want me here? I feel like I should go."

"Neil, you're always welcome here. Of course I want you here. Now, tell me what's the matter." Marguerite watched him carefully as he sat uneasily on a chair in the room. 

Neil took a deep, shuddery breath before he spoke, and the sound of it made Marguerite horribly uneasy. "I kissed Todd last night."

"And?" Marguerite asked, feeling her heart break for the poor boy in front of her.

"And I think I'm in love with him, but I can't bring myself to tell him."

"Does that scare you?" Marguerite asked, "Are you scared of what you feel for him?"

She felt like she was drowning as he said the words. She knew. Oh, how painfully she knew the three words were to say. 

"I don't know if I've ever been more scared in my whole life. It—it was sort of perfect. It's just, I don't know. I'm terrified that I have these feelings for him and if anyone finds out, I don't know what I'll do. I... I'm risking everything just to be in this play. I don't know what I'll do if any of it reaches my parents."

"It won't. I know you have a lot of things at stake to be in this show, and believe me, if your father shows up I'll give him a piece of my mind."

"Marguerite,"

"No, Neil. You have to talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel! You don't have to tell him about Todd, but you have to tell him about how much acting means to you."

"I can't do that," Neil shook his head fiercely, "I just can't."

Marguerite sighed, and bit her lip, looking at the boy across from her. He wiped his eyes, and inhaled shakily once more.

"We're having another meeting tomorrow. You and Blossom can come if you want. I'm going to head back to school. I've got chemistry work."

"Tell them how you feel," Marguerite said, her eyes not leaving his. His parents, Todd, anyone. She didn't want him to feel like her. She was driftwood out at sea, endlessly floating with nowhere to go. There was so much she wished she could say. 

He nodded curtly, and Marguerite stood to lead him out the door. By the time he had biked all the way down the street, Amelia had come back in with the tea. "Where did he go?" She asked, looking around her living room.

"He went back to school. I'm worried about him. I don't know what he's going to do if his father finds out about this."

"You worry about your friends too much, Marg. Come here," Amelia pulled her into her arms, and placed a kiss to the girl's forehead. "You are a wonderful, talented, bright young woman. But you need to worry about yourself for a little bit."

A sob escaped Marguerite's lips as she wound her arms tighter around her mother, "I missed you, Mom. I missed you so much I could barely breathe. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> miss blossom is a funky little bisexual and miss marg is gay <3 there's my head canon today


	12. xii. Tensions Arise

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which gives value to survival." - C. S. Lewis | The Four Loves

\---

The following Friday, Edeline decided to forgo her usual lessons with Marguerite and cancel. Marguerite, in turn, spent the Friday curled up on the couch with her mother, the record player sending soft sounds that Amelia had brought back with her from her trips around the world.

She told Marguerite of all of the wonderful things she had seen and people she had met. Her line at the Paris fashion show had gone swimmingly, her show in Milan had gone splendidly, her Vogue cover story had gone wonderfully. Of course, Marguerite knew about the Vogue story. She had read it over and over again, letting her eyes fall on her mother's designs and smiling face. Of course, Marguerite had been mentioned, and she couldn't help but think that itself was a pretty neat opportunity.

Amelia, on the spare weekends or weeks she didn't have shows, enjoyed going to different places in Africa to promote the usage of clean water, and help the people in any way she could. That, above all the fashion designs, had been why Vogue and the rest of the world was so utterly obsessed with Marguerite's mother. She was a talented humanitarian above all the tulle and stripes.

As nighttime finally approached, the sound of a knock at the door caused both mother and daughter to be a bit startled. The only two people that knew Amelia had come back to town, as they were concerned, was Edeline and Neil.

Blossom, who was shivering on the front porch, smiled widely as Amelia opened the door. "When Ron told me you were here I thought he was for sure joking. I had plans tonight, and I'm not quite sure how to call and cancel those, but I'm forgoing them. Marg, you've got to drive us to the diner!"

Amelia, as always, was taken aback by how quickly Blossom could speak. But she laughed besides herself, and pulled her daughter's best friend into a well-reciprocated hug. "Ron called me from the theatre. He said he'd love to see you later! Marg, you and I have to go to the diner to meet up with Ginny and Chris."

"We do?" Marguerite asked, quite bewildered by the plan before her.

"Yes! Girls night on Fridays, remember?" Blossom threw her a short, pointed glare, and Marguerite immediately shook her head in recognition.

"Right, we will be back soon." Marguerite smiled, and planted a kiss to her mother's cheek.

"Hey, Amelia, just in case we don't happen to make it back by the time Ron wants to see you, Edeline may come and get you. Bye!" Blossom threw a wave, and immediately climbed into Marguerite's car.

Marguerite followed behind her and started her car, laughing loudly at the fast-paced girl beside her. "Good job," She chuckled as they peeled down her street. "That was a very discreet way of telling my mother about her welcome home party."

"I thought I did pretty well, thank you very much." Blossom humphed.

"You going to the meeting tonight?"

"Yeah, um, that's what I can't cancel. I don't know how to get ahold of Charlie or any of them in the first place."

"Charlie?" Marguerite raised an eyebrow towards her friend.

"Yeah, well, he called me and told me he wanted to see me there. I don't... he's nice, but I don't think I like him how he likes me."

"That's okay. I'll just make up some excuse for why we couldn't be there if Neil asks. But that's besides the point right now. Don't we have a party to set up?"

"That asshole Ron is only letting us use the downstairs area and he's going to make me mop the floor. Mop. The. Floor."

"If I mop the floor you have to make sure the decorations look alright." Marguerite laughed, happily willing to take over Blossom's job. She let her eyes wander far too long during the stop sign. 

Marguerite pulled into the parking lot of Henley Hall, quite excited to begin working on all the details for the coming home party Edeline and Ron had organized for her mother. Even after all these years and so many long periods apart, the three of them had remained true and steady friends.

-

"I can't believe this," Charlie complained, stepping through the leaves to get to the cave. "It's so cold out here."

"We live in Vermont and it's November. What do you expect it to be? Warm?" Meeks deadpanned, rolling his eyes at Charlie as the two followed the pack into the cave.

"Very funny, Meeks. Very funny." Charlie rolled his eyes, but smiled despite himself.

"I think we'll wait for Marguerite and Blossom to show up. I'm pretty sure they're coming." Neil said, shifting around on his feet.

Ever since he had kissed Todd, he had no idea how to act around him. He'd been a bit standoffish towards the poor kid, and the morning after they had kissed, he woke up in his own bed across the room, and his heart nearly leapt out of his chest. He and Todd both had chosen to not speak about it, and the odd tension between the two had been eating into the group's dynamic for the entire day. However, no one was really going to say anything. It wasn't their business.

"Neil, what the hell is wrong with you? You've been so weird all day." Cameron, the one who happened to be the most detached from the group, raised an eyebrow, crouching to sit on his rock in the cave.

"I'm just stressed about a lot of different things, Cameron." Neil snapped, and the conversation was dropped.

To clear the tense air, Pitts and Meeks began to tell the others about their most recent project. They were still making tweaks to their radio, and they both were very excited about it. Knox had been keeping pretty quiet too, but he was always willing to help clear any tense air between his friends. However, Knox, too, was finding himself wondering about his friends' wellbeing.

Ever since the meeting where Charlie had told him that a girl had broken his heart, Knox had been dying to know more about the mysterious girl that had broken his best friend's heart. His thoughts, also, had been consumed by Neil's friend, Marguerite. He figured that if he only had to love one person for the rest of his life, it should be her. Finally, Knox found himself speaking up, "Neil, it doesn't look like the girl's are coming tonight. We better start without them."

Neil nodded, and everyone figured that he looked a little bit more troubled by this news than he had intended to, and the seven settled into a meeting that held a lot more tension than they had previously thought possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you alll sooooo much for the love on this story!!!! :)


	13. xiii. The Price of Love

"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley | Frankenstein 

\---

It had been a few days since Neil had seen or heard from the enigmatic girl who was playing his counterpart. He wasn't necessarily blaming her, since he did know how long it had been since she had seen her mother. He figured that if he had good relationships with his parents, he would be doing the same. The only problem he had with her not reaching out to him or attending the last rehearsal two weeks before they opened was that he had spilled his heart out to her on her living room couch, and he still didn't know how to act around the other boys.

Blossom, on the other hand, was very lively for their early Saturday morning rehearsal. She seemed to have no knowledge of what Neil had spilled to Marguerite a few days prior, and he was utterly glad for it. Blossom was, instead, her usual, bouncy self; full of love and life. As rehearsal bore on, he found himself even more worried about what was going to happen as the play moved onwards. He knew that no matter what he did, the loom of his father's wrath would be hanging over his head, and today for some unknown reason, it hung there more than he was willing to admit. He was having a wonderful time doing this show, and didn't want to stop for any possible reason.

"You feeling alright, Neil?" Blossom inquired, placing an arm tentatively around his waist as they stood backstage.

"Oh," Neil looked to his side and smiled without his eyes. "I'm doing fine."

"You sure?" Blossom asked, and although she already knew about the problems that were ailing the boy, she found it best to not pry as he swayed a bit on his feet from side to side.

"Fine,"

"You look like hell is all." Blossom offered, a laugh forming on her lips.

"Yeah," Neil nodded, his eyes not leaving the stage before him. "I know. Is Marguerite going to be here today?"

"I'm afraid not. Ron let her stay home today. Her mother doesn't come home often, so he figured that she can take a day off. But between just you and me, I think she'd rather be here, work-aholic that she is."

That produced a laugh out of the solemn boy, and he turned her way finally, his brown eyes swirling with something behind them. He looked extremely tired too. His sad eyes held large bags underneath, and Blossom squeezed him a bit tighter, feeling as if for that moment that he was slipping through her fingers. 

"Do you have a party tonight?" Neil asked suddenly, his grip on the girl's shoulder next to him finally making her feel as though he was alive.

"I do, yes. I was going to invite you and all your friends. No alcohol this time, though. It's only for cast members and your friends, if you'll go."

"No alcohol?"

"I didn't think that anybody would want any but if you insist—"

"I do. I really need to get my mind off of some stuff for awhile."

"Doesn't this get your mind off of things?" Blossom questioned, throwing a glance at the stage. People were milling about the space around them, and the conversation felt as though it was changing too rapidly for the younger girl to keep up with.

"For a little," Neil responded, and was back to his strange moody way. Blossom wanted to crack her heart open for him and tell him that she knew how he felt. She knew exactly how he felt. The fear, the realization. She had never expected the boy to follow through with any action, though, and for that, she applauded him. She had never had the guts to do such actions.

"What are you doing after rehearsal?" Blossom asked, hoping that this immediate Saturday rehearsal would be over soon and she could steal the boy away to tell him about everything she had been feeling for the past few years.

"Studying, but trying to get myself out of soccer practice as well."

"Easy. I bet your friends are already covering for you, so I bet they can cover for you a little while longer, right?"

"I guess so?"

"Perfect. After rehearsal, you're going to come with me to my house. The two of us need to talk about some stuff."

"Like what?"

"I know exactly what you're going through."

"What?"

"We'll talk later. I've got to see Edeline about what horrendous shoes I must wear for this piece." Blossom gave a quick wave, and left the boy standing in a confused mess off stage left.

-

It felt like an eternity, but the rehearsal had finally come to a close. As Blossom said her farewells to her various friends, and Neil began his to the few other people he had grown close with, Blossom quickly shuffled him out to the bike rack at the side of the theatre.

"Where's the fire?" Neil joked, watching as Blossom quickly saddled onto her yellow bike, her long blue skirt blowing haphazardly in the wind.

"We've got to talk about your problems now." She called over her shoulder, already starting out on the road to her house.

"What?" Neil furrowed his brow, and quickly began to bike so that he could catch up with her. "What are you talking about? I don't have any problems!"

"That's what I told myself for years, Neil. Once we get to my house, everything you've ever known to be true won't be. I can tell you some pretty incredible things."

"What are you going on about?"

"Love is so important, Neil." Blossom reminded, fixing her cream sweater with her right hand as she steadied herself on her bike with her left. Her script's pages blew in the wind as she pedaled, but their place in her bike's basket held fast.

"Love?"

"Love." Blossom replied, and turned a corner quickly before lurching herself off of her bike and into her front lawn. She quickly pushed her keys into the door and left her bike on her large porch. Neil left his beside hers, and tried to keep up with her rampant pace as he followed inside.

"So what are we—"

"Sit on the couch. I'll be back." Blossom ordered, and Neil did as told, sitting cautiously on the comfortable sofa in the Kingsley's living room. A cluttering sound was heard from the kitchen, but Neil stayed silent, wondering. 

What did he know about love? He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking over that four letter word. He came to the quick realization that he knew next to nothing about that little word that millions knew sonnets of; and it hit him so hard he had to open his eyes widely.

"You fall asleep?" Blossom laughed, placing a teacup in his hands as he outstretched them without thinking.

"Something like that," He answered, taking the tea without a second afterthought. "We were on the subject of... love?"

"Love is so complicated, Neil. I don't know what Marg told you about it but from what I know about her, and she is my best friend; she hasn't had too many hardships with the subject. I mean, sure, her mom is gone most of the time, and that's hard on her; but she doesn't really know struggle with love, you know?

"Love is busy. Love is blinding. You know, for years, I didn't even know I was in it. Love is so blinding sometimes you don't even know you're in it, you know what I mean? But once you realize how fast it's crept up, it doesn't leave. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't. Especially if it's how you truly feel. Love is terrifying. It takes ahold of you and doesn't let go, and it makes your head spin.

"You know, one day you look at a person, for me, it was somebody I had spent countless hours with for so many years. One day, you look at them, and you see something more than you did the night before. And it's like a switch has been flicked somewhere. Then suddenly, the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with. The person who has been your best friend since you were seven years old suddenly means so much more to you than any boy who asks you to a dance.

"The person who has been your best friend for seven years means more to you than any boyfriend you've ever had; and that terrifies you so much that you can't breathe. It terrifies you so much that you don't know whether you're going to be sick or shout for joy. But once you figure that out, you have to come to terms with it. And believe me, Neil, coming to terms with it is the scariest part.

"I'm not supposed to like girls, you know. I don't know if I should be telling you this, but I think you're a big boy. You'll be able to handle it. And it isn't that I really like any girls. I like one girl the most, but I think every girl I see is just about the prettiest one I've seen yet. I like boys, too. You know, if your friend Charlie comes to the party tonight, I might just tell him how I find him fascinating. Because if I was honest with the person I really like, everything would come crashing down around me.

"I love Marguerite. I love her with every fiber of my being and every last ounce of air I have within me. She's never shown the same kind of interest, though, and I've had to come to terms with that. And it hurts. Oh god, Neil; it hurt so badly at first that I couldn't get out of my bed some days. But I learned to move on how I could. I learned to accept that not everyone can love you as you love them." Blossom finally took a long gulp of air, and took a long, slow sip of her tea.

Neil had long since forgotten about his chamomile, and felt like he was shaking like a leaf in the harsh wind. Everything that had fallen past her lips made sense to him. "So you think it's possible to like people of the same gender as you?" He finally asked, breaking the silence between them.

"I think it's possible to love anyone of any."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I was like you once. I was scared and full of remorse and hatred for what I was feeling. I was full of nothing but resentment for myself and love for someone I shouldn't have loved. If you love Todd, you have to tell him. Especially since you've kissed him. I know it's not my business to know or care, but I am so profoundly glad that Marguerite told me about what you'd told her. Don't blame her for that, either. I'm the only one. We are so worried about you. 

"I know how scared you are. I know what that feels like. You don't have to hate yourself for this feeling, Neil. You should embrace it, and tell him how you feel. I spent so long resenting myself for that feeling that I never got the chance to tell her how I feel, but you've already taken the big leap into the ocean. Nothing bad can come out of being honest with him. I promise you that."

Neil set his tea on the coffee table in front of him, not sure why his heart was beating so fast and why his hands were shaking so badly.

"It's okay," Blossom smiled at him, her eyes filling with nothing but care for her friend. She set her tea next to his and climbed over into the couch next to him. She outstretched her arms, and the boy collapsed against her, heaving himself into a heavy sob.

"I haven't even know him that long," He tried, his words mangled against his frantic cries.

"I know that." Blossom whispered, holding the poor boy close. "But when you know sweetheart, you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me writing this being so evil. anyways... thanks for all the love!!


	14. xiv. Slipping Deeper

"See, the darkness is leaking from the cracks. I cannot contain it. I cannot contain my life." - Sylvia Plath | Three Women

\---

Neil felt like he had stumbled home from Blossom's that afternoon, feeling like his head was full of cotton. He felt fuzzy and out of his senses, and he knew that he needed to get drunk very, very badly. As soon as he arrived back to the dorms, the last bit of sunlight falling in the windows of the school, he was greeted with the similar reverence he always was.

"Neil my boy!" Charlie let out, a grin apparent on his lips. "I've missed you, old sport!"

"Thanks," Neil nodded his friend's way, and entered his dorm room soon after.

Charlie had been left in the hallway next to Knox, both holding a bewildered look on their faces. They weren't sure what had gotten into Neil recently, but they also weren't sure they wanted to know. They knew he was hard on himself, and with the play being in only a few weeks, they knew he had to have been harder on himself than he normally was.

"What are you all standing around for?" Todd asked, coming upon his friends.

"Neil's back from rehearsal," Charlie nodded, an absentminded tone filling his air. "I wouldn't go in there just yet. You can do some homework in my room." He offered, "Neil's in some weird mood, I wouldn't bother."

"Oh," Todd answered, trying to not sound defeated. "Alright." He gathered his books and followed Charlie, but he had left his mind at Neil's. Ever since the events that had transpired, they had not discussed the event, and both seemed afraid to. He settled into doing some homework, trying to forget all about the boy who had made his soul lurch into the fire.

A few hours later, as Todd was trying desperately to figure out another equation, Neil entered the dorm room, a distant look in his eyes. The room full of boys held their breath as they waited for the one before them to speak.

"There's a party tonight at Blossom's. I'm going, and you all can accompany me if you like."

"You had me at party." Charlie smiled, and quickly shut his textbook.

"Is Marguerite going to be there?" Knox asked, already feeling eager with the prospect of talking to her on the horizon.

Neil didn't respond, because, as the boys all noticed, he was staring at Todd. Todd was staring back, a bit timidly and full of uncertainty, and the group fell silent. They were too busy caught up in their lives to think much of the tension between the two, but Charlie immediately picked up on it. Charlie knew how they were looking at each other. He had the look memorized in the farthest reaches of his mind, because that look, full of uncertainty, fear, and love, was how he had looked at Neil so many years ago. Sometimes, late at night, when walking back from the meetings, he still would look at the boy that way.

Finally, it was Pitts who finally spoke up, hoping that his quick wit was going to be enough to stop whatever was happening in front of him. "What time are we leaving?" He questioned, "I'd love to go and get the babes early, you know?" He chuckled at himself, hoping to ease the tense air.

Neil immediately turned his way, and took a deep, shoulder-shaking breath. "Ten,"

"But is Marguerite going to be there-"

"Oh shut the hell up, Knox! I don't know, okay? I don't know!" He cried, and was off, storming to his bedroom. No one said anything for a few tense moments, hoping that Neil was going to come back and that everything would simmer down. When it appeared as though it wasn't going to, Charlie stood up, knowing that he was likely going to need to get insanely drunk after what he was about to do.

"I'll talk to him, I'll talk to him. Everybody, just get ready for tonight, okay? Soccer practice was cancelled tomorrow morning so we can sleep in until at least ten. We'll meet you all in the same place we did last time before we went to this."

"Make sure he's okay Charlie." Knox worried, sending Charlie a frightful glance as Charlie nodded and left the stifling room.

He was kicking himself as he stood in the doorway between his room and Neil's. Everything should have been easy. He ran a hand through his hair, hoping that no one was going to be making their way through the hallway for a quick moment so that he could collect himself.

He should have seen the signs. Had he really been trying so desperately to distance himself from Neil that he hadn't even noticed how his best friend felt about Todd? Granted, they had only been to school for a few months, but to Charlie, that didn't matter. He should have known almost immediately how Neil felt towards the new boy.

Todd was meek; quiet, but smart. He was kind, respectful, and followed the rules better than anyone Charlie knew. Charlie hated himself for thinking it, for reminicising on feelings he had told himself were all gone; but he couldn't stop thinking of how Todd was exactly unlike himself in every way possible.

He felt a weight grow over his shoulders as he raised a hand to knock on the door, and after a few attempts, he opened the door for himself. He found Neil inside, furiously writing what appeared to be equations at his desk.

"Neil," Charlie began, and the writing immediately stopped.

Neil took a deep breath, hoping that Charlie was just there to pester him for chemistry or something of the likes. "I haven't finished the chemistry yet, if that's what you're here for."

"I don't give a damn about the chemistry, Neil. I need to talk to you about..." Charlie, for once in his life, was at a loss for words. "I need to talk to you about... about Todd."

"What about him?" Charlie knew him better than that, and he could hear the anxiety drip into Neil's voice.

"What's the matter with you two?"

"Oh, we're just having some roommate quarrels, is all. I'm sure you and Cameron have the same."

"We quarrel all the time, Neil. But I don't think that I look at Cameron like... like..." He wasn't even sure he could say it, especially with how strongly he had always felt for the boy next to him. He'd hardly even dreamed it.

"Like what?" Neil choked out, turning to face Charlie, who was sitting on his bed.

"Like I'm in love with him." Charlie waited for the blow, waited for Neil to protest and call Charlie crazy. But that never came, and instead, Charlie watched as his greatest friend crumpled into a heap before him.

"I'm so scared, Charlie." He said, his eyes filling up with tears. "I'm so scared, I feel like I can't breathe. I'm so sorry," He dissolved upon himself, and Charlie took his opportunity to drag him over to the bed. He held Neil in a tight hug for a moment, feeling the boy's wet tears fall onto his shirt.

"Don't be sorry, Neil. Oh, God, you shouldn't be sorry," His heart was aching as he held him.

"I should be! You're... you're Charlie Dalton! You can have anyone you want, and any girl you want you can get. I don't even want girls, and I am nothing like you. You're swell, interesting, and rebellious. I'm just... Neil Perry." He shook his head, wiping at his eyes, "I like boys, Charlie. And I--I guess I have for a long time now. It just never... it never occurred to me fully until I talked about it with someone. Those girls from the theatre are smart. They're a lot smarter than I am."

"Stop putting yourself down,"

"You don't hate me, then?"

Charlie's heart broke as the words poured from Neil's mouth. "You're my best friend, Neil. It'd take a whole lot for me to hate you."

Neil sighed, caving in on himself. He looked so pleased and so relieved with Charlie's response that he wasn't sure if that in it of itself had started Neil's emotional response. "I kissed him. I kissed him, and I don't know how he feels about it, and I feel terrible. Like I've messed everything up." Charlie had seen Neil cry many times before; handing in an assignment or preparing for a test he was sure to fail, worrying over his parents, or just worried about the rest of his life. It had been a few months since they had shared a good heart-to-heart session, and Charlie felt his break into a million pieces as he watched his friend break down.

"Charlie, please," He whispered after a few shallowed breaths, "Say something, Char. What am I supposed to do?"

Charlie thought it over for a few moments, and realized that if he was truly honest with his best friend, he could risk losing everything he held dear. So, he swallowed up his pride, stacking it on a far away, high shelf. He sat on the bed next to Neil and took a deep, meandering sigh. "When I was vacationing in France last summer..." He drifted off for a moment, trying to pick the best way to use his words. He was worried that they wouldn't come out of his mouth the way he needed them to.

"What?" Neil mumbled through his tears.

"Last summer when I was in France, I had a really good time. I kissed a lot of people. A lot of girls,"

"Charlie..."

"Neil, let me finish." Charlie ran a shaking hand through his hair, because he had never told anyone about his summer spent away from their French countryside villa that his parents hardly ever left. "I've kissed a lot of boys too, Neil."

An odd expression covered Neil's face, and for a moment, it was as if Charlie could feel Neil's confusion prickle against his aching heart. "You... you... what?"

"It's not something that I've ever talked about. But it's something that I've always done, no matter how stupid I may feel it to be. I had such a good time last summer because I didn't care what anybody thought about anything. I ran around and lost myself, because no one there knew who I was. Don't worry about this, because in a few months, when we're out of school, none of this will matter." Charlie shook his head, "You can run away to New York and lose yourself up in people who will accept you for who you are. I'm pretty sure Todd is fairly fond of you, so I wouldn't suspect him being very hard to persuade to follow you." Charlie sent him a quick, tight smile, but he wasn't really watching. "Now, we're going to a party tonight, right? You better clean yourself up, Perry."

"I don't know,"

"What?"

"I don't know," Neil shook his head again, staring intently at his hands, causing a chill to run up Charlie's spine.

"We are going to a party, Neil. Don't forget about it. You've got guests who expect you there."

"Not the party." Neil kept staring at his hands, "I don't know if I can handle waiting until the end of the school year."

"It's only a few months, Neil."

"No, Charlie." Neil turned his head to meet Charlie's eyes, and for the first time in a long while, Charlie felt his throat seize up as he stared into the boy's deeply brown eyes. "I don't know if I'm going to make it to graduation."

Charlie didn't know what to say, so he did the best he could: an infamous Charlie smile and a clap on the back. "Come on, old sport. Don't talk like that! You've got a party to get to tonight!" He turned on his heel, worried that if he didn't get to the bathroom in a matter of minutes he was going to dissolve into a sobbing mess right in front of him. "You're leading the way, Romeo."


	15. xv. Bullshit

"I sleep. I dream. I make up things that I would never say. I say them very quietly." - Richard Siken | Meanwhile

\---

Everyone seemed a bit uneasy as they ventured to Blossom's house for the party. The music could barely be heard from the outside, and no one was really surprised at that. Blossom knew how to run a good party without it getting visited by the police in town. The entire group had been thrown off from earlier. Charlie and Neil seemed to be in the midst of an unspoken grey area, Neil and Todd weren't talking, Knox was bound and determined to figure out who had broken Charlie's heart, and Pitts and Meeks were trying in vain to get everyone into a partying mood.

"Well, hello boys!" Blossom greeted, and was met by a few sparse greetings.

"Hi, Blossom. Thank you so much for inviting all of us." Meeks smiled at her, and Blossom couldn't help but smile back, threading her arm into his and pulling him inside, leaving the others in the dust.

It didn't take long for the others to meander inside along with her. Neil went straight for the kitchen, hoping some kid had brought at least a little bit of booze. Charlie was still in a mood from his talk with Neil earlier, and was sulking in the corner; unsure of how he felt and how to pursue his new found infatuation for Blossom when he was so clearly fucked up about everything else that he felt was happening to him. Todd sulked into the corner, hoping no one would talk to him. Meeks and Pitts had already begun to be the self-proclaimed stars of the party, happily mixing in among the theatre kids and other random people from the high school that they didn't know.

Marguerite had been upstairs when the crew had arrived, trying to forget all about the boy she'd been kissing from Blossom's science class last semester. She didn't know why she had done it in the first place. Hoping to find something with a hint of mint inside, she ventured downstairs, rushing down them as she saw that her new friends had all arrived.

"Hey, Marg!" Blossom called from a few feet away, her hands resting on the shoulders of some boy in a letterman. Marguerite felt her heart twist as she watched her. She suddenly wished desperately that she could be in his place. "Marg, the boys showed up! Looks like they're all a little moody though!" She laughed a bit, and for a moment, Marguerite wondered if she was acting, her arms around the random boy. But nearly as soon as she had laughed, she stopped, and Marguerite couldn't find that there was ever a trace of insincerity. Although it felt as though there was one.

Still craving something to wash the taste of the boy's spit from her mouth, she found herself in the kitchen, watching in slight horror as her on-stage lover downed another swig from the vodka bottle. A few jocks were egging him on, clearly impressed by the skinny boy's ability to handle the heat.

"Neil?" Marguerite called out, worry immediately flooding her bones. "Neil, what are you doing here?"

The crowd around him dispersed, as they seemed to know that whatever was about to take place was more of a private affair. She watched him for a moment, and pulled the bottle from his wavering hands.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked, worry evident in her voice as she saw how much of it he had consumed.

"I'm having a drink," He barked, grabbing unsuccessfully for the bottle.

"We're going upstairs. Go up the back. Now," Marguerite ordered, slipping an arm around the boy's waist and steadying him as they began the short walk up to Blossom's second floor. After tripping over feet and a few unsteady tries at being self-sufficient, the two had managed their way to the bathroom.

"Get a room," Marguerite told the couple who were fisting at each other's shirts as she threw the door open. They quickly brushed past, making swift plans to continue things in their car. Neil hadn't caught any of that though because he felt like he was going to be sick, immensely so, at that.

"Sit," Marguerite ordered, turning on the sink and placing a wash cloth underneath the cold water. Neil obliged because he wasn't sure what else to do. His head was beginning to spin, and he felt very queasy. He sat with his back to the tub, and before he knew it, he was blubbering; crying and forgetting why he had done everything for in the first place.

"Look at me," Marguerite ordered, placing a cold cloth on his face and kneeling next to him. The quick, vast change in temperature made Neil's eyes pop, and he had no other choice but to look at his co-star, even if she was a bit blurry. "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think this is just going to fix everything?"

The question hung out in the air for a moment, and in his state, Neil didn't think it over very hard before bluntly responding back. "You don't know shit."

"What?"

"You don't know shit about love."

"What are you talking about?" Marguerite felt her gut drop. She knew. She knew desperately.

"That advice you gave me? To just tell him how I felt? That's a load of bullshit."

"You're drunk," She tried, although she knew that pain. The pain of never speaking your true feelings. 

"It's all a load of bullshit." He repeated, running the wash cloth over his face. "Nothing matters anymore, you know? I haven't told anyone anything except you and Blossom, and suddenly Charlie knows everything I'm going through. He told me some bullshit story about how he kissed some boys when on vacation in France as if I am supposed to believe that."

"Oh Neil," Her heart swelled. Charlie wouldn't lie, she knew that. She felt guilty suddenly. She should have told him. 

"Marguerite, nothing matters. This whole world is just a load of bullshit." And with that, Neil threw himself over the toilet, nausea getting the best of him.

-

"Can I cut in?" Charlie asked, just as Blossom was about to finally kiss the boy she had been dancing with. Now, she was even farther away from forgetting all about everything she was experiencing.

"Hi, Charlie," She whispered, threading her fingers behind his neck as they danced together with the other couples to the Elvis record.

"Can I talk to you?" He asked, throwing her slightly off guard. "Somewhere private,"

She studied him for a moment, wondering what his eyes and mind held. He confused her greatly, because no matter how much she ached over the loss of Marguerite, he was somehow always in the back of her mind, his smiling eyes and hard-ass persona interesting her. She loved Marguerite. She always would. But it was something that was never going to be attainable. Eventually, she would have to move on. She knew that. She knew it well. 

"Yeah, sure," She said, grabbing his hand with hers, intertwining their fingers, and leading him towards her garage. Once inside, she flicked the lights on. Somehow, no one had slipped out from the party into the garage, so the noise and heat were pulled suddenly away. Blossom dropped their hands as quickly as she had grabbed his. His own fingers burned as she dropped hers away from him, while she gained composure a few steps away from him.

"What did you want to talk about?" She asked, shifting on her feet. Blossom was a bit nervous about what he wanted to ask her. If it was a date, would she say yes? But if it wasn't that, what could it have been? In the mere seconds he took to formulate his response, she had already played out a dozen scenarios in her head, each worse than the last.

"Do you ever feel like everything's going to explode around you?" He sputtered out.

"What?" Blossom exclaimed, not thinking that a question like that could even be in the realm of what she had expected.

"My life feels like it's one big joke."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm in love with my best friend," fell past his lips next, and Blossom's eyes widened. "I am, I was. I don't really know." He sniffed, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand.

Not sure where to go with it, she tried her best, not wanting to tell him that she knew how he felt. She knew exactly how he felt, down to the short exasperation of breath he had sighed out. "We all love our best friends, Charlie. There isn't anything wrong with that."

"No," He said, siding away from her, "It's not like that. It's not. And you know that."

The words were mangled, and for a moment, Charlie forgot how to breathe. Here he was, Charlie Dalton, sex-god extraordinaire, and he hated it. In fact, he loathed it because the exact moment the words left his mouth, a crushing feeling filled his bones because he had never admitted it to anyone, let alone himself. He'd been painstakingly in love with Neil Perry many years ago, and he was quite sure he wasn't anymore, because he couldn't look at Knox without feeling a sinking feeling for a majority of the last two years, and then Blossom had quite literally bloomed into his life, and he had felt that same sinking feeling. He was so lovesick he couldn't begin to bear it any longer.

Blossom was silent as she felt her eyes fill up with tears. She'd only ever admitted it to one other person, and that was Neil. "I know what you mean," She offered, hoping this could somehow help herself or him. She was just as confused about it as he was. They were young; were they supposed to feel this vulnerable?

"I know you do," He answered, and a questioning look appeared upon her face.

"You don't have to tell me," He shrugged, "I've done enough hiding my whole life to know what it looks like from first glance. You've got it bad. Had it bad. Oh—you know."

She looked up at him, and laughed slightly. "I've never been very good at hiding it, have I?" 

"I don't think either of us have." He offered, and she sat down with a sigh in a lawn chair, offering him a replica next to her. They sat closely, their knees touching. She could hear his breath, and was almost sure he could hear her own heart beating.

"How long was it with Neil? With Knox?"

"Too long,"

"Do you still,"

"I don't know anymore. What about Marguerite?"

"I always will." She confessed, "No matter what." 

"I know what you mean." 

A loud sound from the doorway came through, and a horde of football players came through, echoing each other in stupid chants. Blossom's eyes widened, and she immediately stood up, followed quickly by Charlie. "Get the hell out! The garage is off limits!"

"Oooh, what are you doing out here, Blossom?" A rather rowdy boy asked, and she rolled her eyes at him.

"None of your business, Brick. Out. Now." She flashed him a glare, and when he hadn't taken the hint, she turned to Charlie, swallowing a lump in her throat, and pulled him towards her, kissing him with a fervor. "Out," She said once more pulling away seconds later, "Now."

That was all it took for the boys to leave, laughing and amusing themselves. As soon as the door had clicked shut, Blossom pulled away again, wiping a tear from her eyes. "I am so sorry, Charlie."

"It's alright."

"It's not,"

"No, it is. I came out here to tell you that I haven't felt how I feel around you in a long, long time."

"Oh,"

"Don't try to sound too disappointed." He chuckled and she could tell he had a good heart. "It's alright, because I don't know what I really want either."

"How do you know I want anything from you?" Blossom asked, raising an eyebrow. "A little bold, don't you think?"

"I think you're at least interested in me,"

"I think you're crazy."

Charlie smiled then, a smile so wide and frighteningly broad that it sent Blossom into a shiver. "I'll see you around," He nodded, and she watched carefully as he left her alone. He was making her head spin, and she wasn't really sure why. She needed to find Marguerite.

-

"You're a right asshole when you're tipsy," Marguerite scolded once Neil was sure all of the puking was over. He was still a bit tipsy and out of it, but she wasn't going to let a little light-headedness overtake her lecture. "What gives you the right to say that nothing matters to you? The world may be bullshit, and I may give bullshit advice, but I would never tell Charlie about your secret. You know that. I know you do."

"I—"

"Marg?" Blossom had suddenly popped her head in the door, and Marguerite backed away from the boy in front of her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah," She answered, not tearing her eyes from Neil. "It's not all bullshit, Neil. You're torturing yourself."

Neil wanted to scream at her as she left with Blossom, who sent a confused glance his way. As soon as the duo had left the bathroom, Blossom raised an eyebrow. "What was that about?"

"He's just being moody," Marguerite brushed it off. "What's wrong?"

"Oh," Blossom now had her full attention, even as they descended the stairs back to the party and the world seemed to move around them. "It's, well, I—" When finally tasked with it, Blossom found herself at a loss for words.

"Marguerite! I've been looking for you all night!" A different voice called out, and if Blossom hadn't been told a story of who had once admired that dopey boy only moments ago, she would have yelled at him. "Sorry, can I cut in?" Knox asked, a twinkle in his eyes.

"Yeah," Blossom sighed.

"Blossom?" Marguerite's eyes were wide. "What did you—"

"It's not important now," She shrugged, but Blossom could tell that it was. "Go on and have fun." Blossom had left her heart with her. 

"Let's dance," A voice sounded from her right, and Blossom turned to see Charlie's face. A face that was beginning to grow on her. 

"What makes you think I want to dance with you?"

"The fact that you're not going to say no."

"I don't know what I want from you,"

"You don't have to. I don't know what I want."

"From me?"

"From you, from myself,"

"You're a funny boy, Charlie Dalton."

"We're all a bit queer."

Across the room, Todd was still moping in the corner, counting the minutes until they could go home. With discontent, he saw that both Charlie and Knox had begun to dance with their respective girls, and he felt himself groan. He wanted to be at school, curled up in his cot, dreading the silence from the other boy next to him. Here, he was surrounded by anything but silence, and he wasn't the biggest fan of it.

"Todd!" Meeks greeted, Pitts a few steps behind him. "You've been here all night! Come dance!"

"I'm okay,"

"You're so boring!" Pitts chagrined, "Come on!"

"I'm good, thank you guys for your concern."

"Come on, Anderson!" Meeks complied, and before Todd knew what was happening, he was being dragged along by the infamous duo, who were laughing and getting him to move along with them, and even if none of them were good dancers, for a brief moment in space, Todd was having fun.

The boy on the staircase, who was still a bit tipsy and in need of a drink of water stood silently, wondering if he was ever going to feel that same sense of happiness with the blonde-haired boy. He had, when he'd stolen his poetry, when they'd thrown the desk set. But that was all before he'd messed everything up, so he swallowed his self-pity and meandered to the kitchen, knowing that all of his feelings could be nothing more than a silly pipe dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry in advance queens <3


	16. xvi. Taking Root

"...and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for." - Richard Siken | You Are Jeff

\---

It had been a few weeks since the party, and nothing had really changed between the friends. Charlie and Knox had both had differing times, and Knox had been boasting all week that Marguerite was going to let him take her on a date. Charlie, on the other hand, was confusing all of his friends and classmates because for the first time in his life, he was truly taking his time figuring out how he felt about Blossom. Of course, she was doing her best to figure things out, too. He didn't have to broadcast to everyone why they were taking their sweet time.

After the party, Todd had been seeing more of Meeks and Pitts, seemingly having fun spending time with them. The air between himself and Neil was always tense, especially when they were alone with each other. The fact of the matter was, neither of them knew how to handle their situation, and they were too stubborn to do anything about it.

Neil had been having a very busy week. It was tech week for his show, and he was barely spending any time at school, let alone in his dorm room. He found himself wandering back to his dorm, feeling as if he was floating. Even though he was worried about how everything was going with Todd, and he had a million reasons to not feel good, he was having a fine time walking back to his room, enjoying the cool night air.

"Neil!" Charlie exclaimed, seeing his friend as soon as he had begun to ascend the stairs. "Neil!"

Neil sighed, knowing his mood would change within a few moments. Charlie had not gotten off of his case for Neil to tell Todd how he felt, to talk over things, but he didn't want to take his best friend's advice. It wasn't for any real reason, other than the fact that he wanted the entire matter to sulk over. He knew he was being dramatic, but he didn't really care all that much. He turned to Charlie, and immediately, he forgot about all of that stuff as Charlie's face held a look of such worry and remorse that Neil felt his stomach do a backflip.

"Charlie?"

"Your father's upstairs. In your dorm."

"Why?" His heart began to race. There were a million reasons why his father could be here, but he couldn't think of any of them except for the fact that it was opening night tomorrow.

"Not sure," Charlie said, a bit breathless, "Todd tried to talk to him about it, but he kicked Todd out of your room. He seems really angry. I'd prepare for the worst, Perry."

"Thanks for the heads up," Neil nodded, and began to ascend the stairs up to his room, the pit in his stomach sinking deeper and deeper within himself. By the time he had pulled the handle, he wasn't sure if he was even standing in place anymore.

"Do you know the amount of humiliation you have caused me?" Was the first thing past his father's lips, and Neil immediately sunk into his bed, knowing everything that would follow. His understudy wasn't nearly prepared to take over for him. Marguerite was going to hate him. He hated himself for letting his father talk down so far to him, but there wasn't anything he could do.

"I'm sorry," He eventually mumbled during the assault. 

"My son. My son in a play!" He scoffed, and fell into a tyrannical speech. By the time it was over, Neil was wiping tears away from his face, erupting to his father that he couldn't possibly quit now, when the show was opening tomorrow night.

Everything after was a blur, and Neil wasn't sure what he had said or what his father had screamed in return. His cheeks were wet, and as his father slammed the door behind him, he collapsed into his bed, wondering if he was going to be able to handle this sort of pain until the end of the year. It was so far away, and he wasn't sure if he could handle it. He felt like nothing he said mattered to the man, or ever would.

The creaking of the door reminded him that he had company, and he sat up quickly, wiping his eyes even quicker. "Neil?" Someone Neil had not expected, Knox, asked softly, walking into the small room without much more than a nod from Neil.

"Hey, Knox," Neil sighed.

"I came in here to check on you. I know you've been so stressed out this week with school, and your play is opening tomorrow. And I know we've sort of drifted lately, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you, buddy. If you ever need anything, and I mean that, I sincerely do; if you ever need anything, please just ask me. Ask Charlie. Hell, ask Todd. Just, please, ask us." He shifted on his feet, and Neil could tell he was a little bit nervous.

"I'm okay,"

"That's a load of bullshit and you know it. Can you still do the production tomorrow?"

"No," Neil straightened, feeling a bit rebellious than he had mere moments ago. "But I'm going to, no matter what."

"I've just been really worried about you. Charlie told me that he said you told him you weren't sure if you were going to make it to graduation. What did you mean by that?" Knox asked, feeling as if his stomach had dropped simply by asking the question.

Knox had been confused for months now. Charlie had never told him who had broken his heart, and he had yet to be able to figure it out. Neil and Todd, who, at the beginning of the year, had been dear friends; were hardly speaking to one another. Knox had been keeping close tabs on Marguerite, because ever since the last party, she'd given him her number and they had exchanged a few phone calls and he had snuck out to take her to a dinner date at the local diner. But if there was one thing Knox was not about, it was how down on himself Neil had been lately. He could see that his question had made his friend's wheels turn, and finally, Neil lifted his head.

"I was just stressed out," Neil nodded, blowing a stream of air out of his mouth.

"You sure?" Knox asked, and Neil could tell that he was under more scrutiny than he had previously thought.

"Yeah," He answered, pulling a tight smile over his lips.

Knox nodded, because he wasn't sure what else he could do. "Alright. If you're fine, I'll send your roommate in. Todd's been worried about you, just like the rest of us. Don't let your old man get to you, Perry. You're too good."

"Thanks, Knox." Neil nodded at him, and Knox stood up to go, casting a sad smile as he left.

Neil was now hyper aware of everything that was happening to him. He was exhausted from rehearsal, but he couldn't remember the last time he had been in the room with Todd truly alone and in need of nothing else to do. His father's words were still causing him a great deal of inner turmoil, but he knew that no matter what his father said, he was going to perform tomorrow, whether it killed him or not.

"Hi, Neil," Todd's meek voice came, and Neil looked up from his lap and over Todd's way.

"Hi," He replied, and a strange silence settled over the two of them.

Neil knew that he had blown his chances of ever talking to Todd about the situation after they had kissed. He still felt as passionately about the boy as he had the day they'd thrown the desk set. But now, he figured it wasn't going to matter too much. He'd be shipped off for the stunt he was going to pull tomorrow, and after that, he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to think about life after tomorrow night.

"I'm excited to see you tomorrow night," Todd broke their prolonged silence. "I know you're going to be fantastic."

"Thank you," Neil perked up a bit, because even if he was too nervous to bring up their past event, he wasn't too nervous to accept a compliment from the boy he dearly revered.

"Are we ever going to talk about what happened?" Todd asked, unsure where the bravery had come from. Perhaps it had been the same bravery that had kissed Neil back weeks prior.

Neil froze in his spot, trying to untuck the covers from his bed. He wasn't sure if he should play it off as something he didn't remember, or tell the boy across from him that he didn't know how they were to talk about it. He was going to be going far away very, very soon. His father was sure to send him off.

An idea sparked in Neil's mind then. He was going to do the show tomorrow night, and perhaps, if he could wow his father enough, he's go home and endure the lecture. If he endured another lecture, maybe just once, he could tell him what acting really meant to him. It seemed like a pipe dream that simply filled him with anxiety.

"Neil?" Came Todd's voice, pulling him back into reality, and Neil shot up, turning towards him, pushing the frightening thoughts of tomorrow away.

"I'm sorry," Neil said, suddenly feeling smaller than he'd ever felt before. "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, I am too."

"But I instigated it," Neil ran a hand through his hair, scratching his neck in means to distract himself. "I'm the one who started it, the one who said all of those things. The one that made you throw the desk set. I kissed you," He took a deep breath, "You don't have to apologize."

"But we've been so silent about things."

"I know, and Todd, I am so sorry." Neil sat back onto his bed, the familiar sheets comfortable against his fingertips. "I don't really know how to... how to deal with it."

"Do you mean with us?" He asked, sitting across from Neil. Todd wanted to be direct and to the point. While he had been spending weeks worrying over every little aspect of what had happened that night, he knew that now he wanted the discourse of the conversations they hadn't had. He wanted to be anxious and nervous and feel everything a teenager was supposed to feel when they talked to their crush. He wanted to talk about his feelings, because if he didn't do so soon, he felt like he was going to burst.

"I—I don't know what I mean."

Todd shifted for a moment, visibly uncomfortable. "You do like me, don't you?"

Todd's question took Neil's breath away. "Of course I do."

"Well, no offense, but there did feel like there was a bit of doubt after the first time we said so."

"I'm sorry I've been so distant."

"It's like you've been on another planet, Neil. Even right now. It's like you haven't been in your own skin. What's going on?"

"I'm here now."

"Yes, but I don't know if you're present."

"I'm right here, Todd."

"I see you,"

"I just—I feel like sometimes everything's closing in on me, and like I'm the reason everything is going to blow up. I can't do the show tomorrow. My father told me so. But he doesn't know how the act of being in the show makes me feel. Lately, when I'm in a scene is the only time I really feel present."

"Why? I'm here for you. Charlie's here for you. All of us are here for you. You can't just push all of us away. Tell me what's going on. We used to tell each other everything,"

"I'm sorry,"

"Stop saying you're sorry and just talk to me. All I want you to do is talk to me,"

Neil finally made eye contact with Todd, who had been staring at him intently the whole time they'd been speaking. He hung his head a moment after, feeling as though his heart was going to burst. He had cried when his father had yelled at him, he had cried when Knox had racked his brain. He was almost certainly going to cry now. He looked up again as Todd crossed the threshold of their beds to sit next to Neil.

Todd's heart was hammering against his chest. Meeks and Pitts had been the first to realize that their friend was clearly having problems other than what he had told them was going on. The usual problems with his father seemed to not be the only thing weighing him down. Todd was worried sick. He liked Neil a lot. In fact, he was almost quite sure he loved the other boy, but to have been radio silent with him the past weeks had been increasingly difficult. He wanted to reach out, wanted to make something right in his dear friend's self-deprecating world.

As Neil watched Todd look at him, seemingly evaluating him for some feeling he couldn't name himself, he started to tear up. Pretty soon, he was crying; because he didn't know what to think of what he was feeling in the slightest. He was full of love, full of life, but yet so terrified of it that it made him ill.

Then Neil started to cry, and Todd sat for a moment, thinking over everything he could possibly do. He let his hand cascade over Neil's, letting his fingers rest on the top of his hand. Neil looked up, tears in his eyes, and began to choke something out.

"I'm—I'm going to go to bed, if you don't mind. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Alright," Todd nodded, and retreated his hand slowly, wondering if Neil had felt it in the first place.

Todd got up and got himself ready for bed, and by the time he went to turn the lights off, Neil was still in a curled position in his bed, silent crying sounds coming from him.

Todd's heart ached to hear the other carry on so. He didn't want to make things worse by reaching out to him, but he was worried Neil needed a friend. Neil needed someone, and even if he wasn't going to get to be in his life romantically, he wanted to be there for him as a friend, like they used to be.

Over on the other side, Neil was curled into himself, staring at the wall. Tears were pouring down his face, and he was trying his best to keep silent so that Todd could get some rest. A rustling next to him let him know that Todd was still awake, and he tried to keep silent, letting himself take a shallow breath.

A hand on his back startled him, and he looked up in the soft moonlight of their dorm window to see Todd's face illuminated in it. "Scoot over," was all he said, and Neil felt like his body was on fire as he did so.

"You're not alone," Todd whispered, his breath hot on Neil's cheek as they adjusted to lying next to each other.

Neil was still crying, and he still felt as though he was a tulip in a cup with no chance of growing up. He let out another cry, and Todd shifted, pressing a kiss to his roommate's forehead. If he didn't want to talk now, the most he could do for him was hold him, to let him know that he was right here if he needed to talk about what was really going on.

Neil cried into Todd's arms, not knowing how to tell him how crumby he'd been feeling and how his heart was rooted deeply with admiration for him. After all, he wasn't sure how much longer everything was going to go on around him.


	17. xvii.

"His whole future seemed suddenly to be unrolled before him; and passing down its endless emptiness he saw the dwindling figure of a man to whom nothing was ever to happen." - Edith Wharton | The Age of Innocence

\---

The crisp winter air was absolutely bitter. Marguerite could tell from the moment she descended her front steps that snow was going to fall tonight. She was glad for it, too, because she loved cool air with the big flakes cascading down upon her.

The past few weeks had been quite hectic in the girl's life. She had juggled her school work with the show, and somehow kept her sanity through Neil's constant mood changes. On top of that, she had received some very exciting news back from Juilliard, and she was bursting to tell Blossom all about it.

Ever since the party at Blossom's, Marguerite felt as though there had been a bit of a wench thrown between the two friends. She couldn't really tell why just yet, though. She was much too preoccupied with the thoughts of the first show tonight and the worry she was harboring over Neil's stamina.

Nearly a week ago, Knox had taken Marguerite out on a date. It had been the first date Marguerite had been on in quite a while, and she wasn't sure if Knox knew or not, but he had been a perfect gentleman. In fact, there was no thought in Marguerite's mind that Knox wasn't a perfectly well-rounded, decent boy. But no matter how nice he was, her heart wasn't in it. So, instead of ending things right then and there, Marguerite let him send her little poems or call her. She didn't know how to break his heart in two.

Currently, Marguerite was on the way to Blossom's house, eager to pick up her best friend. The opening night of Romeo and Juliet was upon them, and Marguerite was sure that Blossom was just as excited as she was about the show. There were only a few more hours until the two would be gracing the Henley Hall stage for the second to last time together. The feeling of sadness over that fact was quite overwhelming to Marguerite. She and Blossom had been best friends for so long that she felt as though everything would be different in her life as soon as she went away.

Not wanting to dwell on that aspect too early in the afternoon, Marguerite turned quickly into Blossom's driveway. Blossom was sitting on her front steps, bundled up in her heavy winter coat. "Snow's coming," She said, bouncing into the front seat next to her friend.

"Definitely," Marguerite nodded, "I'm excited for it. Are you ready for tonight?"

"I don't know," Blossom worried, "I feel like I'll forget everything the moment I get on stage."

"You always say that, and I always know that you're not going to. You have every line down pat, and I know that you're going to blow everyone's minds."

"You're going to blow everyone's mind." Blossom spoke, shaking her head as she checked in her large knapsack for all of her stage makeup and miscellaneous gifts she had gotten for her closest friends for their opening.

"You're too good to me," Marguerite shook her head, slipping her hand into Blossom's at a stop sign. "I love you,"

Blossom took her friend's hand gladly, "I love you too," She whispered, and wished she could kiss her senselessly. 

Over the course of the next few hours, Marguerite and Blossom spent time getting things ready with Edeline and Ron. The two, for once in their lives, were not at each other's throats. Marguerite and Blossom were the ones who had to set up the dressing rooms for both the boys and the girls, make sure surfaces were clean, and the floor was swept. They also had the task of folding programs as quickly as possible.

Soon, the other members of the cast and crew were beginning to show up. Marguerite and Blossom spent the time getting ready and dressed, making sure that they looked quite perfect with their different costumes. Marguerite's was a flowing dress, similar to something that Norma Shearer had worn in the 1936 production of Romeo and Juliet she had seen on film. Blossom was dressed more conservatively, with motherly and warm undertones.

"You nervous, Marg?" Blossom asked, putting the finishing touches on her lipstick.

"Not sure yet," Marguerite responded honestly.

Truthfully, she had been waiting for months to show this production to their hometown. Ron had told her in a whisper after a weekend rehearsal that this was going to go down as one of his favorite productions he had ever directed. Marguerite knew that it was good, even without Ron telling her so.

There was something insanely magical about the whole production. Marguerite wasn't sure if it was the insanely good cast, the crew, or the magical costumes that made this production so special. Perhaps it was the fact that out of the regular crew, they had gained Neil. There was a feeling that nothing could quite go wrong, and it had been a few years since she had felt so sure of a cast and crew.

"I'm going to find Neil, make sure he isn't freaking out," Marguerite called, and Blossom nodded, going through her gifts for castmates and crew members, up to the brim with things. Marguerite bid hellos and words of encouragement to her fellow lady cast members, then trekked across the hallway to the boy's dressing room. Various castmates greeted her when the door was opened by Harry, the slightly infuriating but inevitably lovable. 

"Is Neil in here?" Marguerite asked, scanning her eyes quickly to make out if any of the boys putting on makeup were her most frequent scene partner.

"He's in the bathroom upstairs. I think he had to talk to Ron," A boy on the far end, the one playing Marguerite's father, called.

"Really?" Marguerite raised an eyebrow. They had already congregated and were now in the final processes of getting ready for the big night. The audience would be coming into their seats at any point. What was Neil doing upstairs? "Thanks!" She called, waving a hand and throwing in a break a leg to the boys.

Weaving her way through noticeably anxious cast members, misceallaneous crew members who were working hard, and a few straggler parents who had somehow bypassed Edeline's strict no-parents-backstage rule, Marguerite found herself towards the back of the theatre, down near the edges of the costume shop. She passed it quickly, determined to get her way upstairs, but she stopped when she heard shuffling inside. No one, at this point, was allowed inside; and although she was determined to find Neil, she had to stop whoever was in there now, or else the whole troupe could be in danger of not being able to use the space again.

"Neil?" Marguerite raised an eyebrow upon seeing her stage partner pacing frantically in the small area. "I was just looking for you. What's the matter?" Once the words had flown past Marguerite's lips, she knew the she had made a mistake by intruding and even by asking.

The past few weeks he had seemingly been distancing himself. She wasn't sure if the whole bit about Charlie knowing how he felt had spurred it, or if it had been something else entirely. Either way, he was not the bright and bubbly boy full of life that had come to auditions all those months ago. She missed that effervescent light.

He had stopped his pacing when she came in, turning to her in a flurry of tears and anxious hand movements. He looked a bit relieved to see that it was her, but he still looked so disheveled for their show being in only so many minutes that she couldn't figure out what to say for a few moments.

He stood there, his chest heaving inwards and outwards painfully, trying to calm himself down. "Sorry," He finally mumbled out, furrowing with his pockets that no longer existed for him with his costume. "I thought you were my father."

The mention of Neil's father sent a chill down Marguerite's spine. She knew how bad things were for him, how scared he was of being home. But what she hadn't known was how bad it had seemed to get; and for that, she blamed herself. She spent so much time with him. How had she not taken notice?

"Oh, Neil," She whispered, and he closed the space between them engulfing her into a hug. He didn't cry, and did his best to keep his face off of her costume, not wanting to ruin it. He was incredibly heartbroken for many different reasons, and he had been so far removed from his co-star and her best friend that he immediately felt even worse than he already had.

"I'm so sorry," He pulled away, "About the things I said at the party, and accusing you, and being so distant from you and everybody else."

"It's okay," Marguerite nodded, "That's clearly not the only thing you're worried about. I just wish you would talk to me or Blossom if you need to. You could talk to Mr. Keating, that fantastic teacher you're always going on about. I just wish you would tell somebody what you're feeling, Neil. It's not healthy for you to continue torturing yourself like this."

"I don't want to talk about that," Neil shook his head viciously. "Not tonight, anyways."

"Alright. That's fine. Just promise me you will sometime soon, won't you?"

"Do my best," He nodded, looking into the mirror on the hall and fixing his hat onto his head. "I'm going to get into places."

"Alright," Marguerite nodded, and shifted on her feet for a moment. "Your friends are going to love you. I don't know if your father knows about this, but something tells me he does." Neil stiffened as the words left her mouth, "And I think that he will love you too. I don't know where you two stand, but I'm sure Todd, above all, will love you. You're so much more than you think of yourself, Neil. Break a leg out there, kid." Marguerite pecked his cheek quickly, and ran herself out of the room before he could say anything in return.

She had a terrible feeling in her gut as everyone got ready to call places. Blossom greeted her soon after, and not wanting to worry her best friend in the entire world, Marguerite didn't let on about the situation at hand. Instead, they exchanged kisses to the cheek, wishing each other a good performance.

Once places had been called, and her well wishes had been given, Marguerite stole off to her side of the stage to try and clear her worrying mind and focus on the task at hand. Never had she been so distracted by what was happening around her that her entire energy was not in her performance. Doing her best, she took a few deep breaths before embarking on her way to the stage, knowing that she had an audience of people, her mother, her teachers, Neil's friends, and her own group of peers that she had to impress. Her stomach felt as though it was backflipping before Neil burst onto the stage, proclaiming love and so perfectly having masked everything was happening to him that Marguerite couldn't help but not fear the performance that was to come. Everything, for this moment, was going to go perfectly for them.


	18. xviii. Juliet And Her Romeo

"Nothing can extinguish my anger. And nothing can restore my faith. This is not a world in which I wish to live." - Sarah Kane | 4.48 Psychosis

\---

"For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo." The lines had flew out of their castmate's mouth, and the lights quickly shuttered off. Immediately, Marguerite let out a squeal of excitement, that had been masked by the audience erupting. She threw her arms around Blossom, and Blossom in turn hugged the girl back just as tightly.

During intermission, Neil had shut himself into his dressing room, clearly not enticed by the vivid interactions the crowd was having to nearly everything he did on stage. His friends had, of course, been the first ones to whoop and holler, and the audience had no problem in joining in. The problem now, was that his father had just stepped foot through the theatre doors, and his heart fell so deep inside of his chest he wasn't sure he could ever dig it back out. 

"We did it, Neil!" Marguerite smiled, throwing her arms around him as the first members of the cast ran out to bow.

"We did," He said, feeling quite bewildered. He felt the most alive he'd ever felt, and yet, he also felt the least alive he had ever felt. He felt so dead that he was almost sure his body was still lying next to Marguerite's on stage.

"I love you, kid." Marguerite smiled, pulling apart from him and turning back to cheer her fellow cast mates on. As the thunderous applause raged on, the last few had taken their bows, and Marguerite did her best to pull Neil out of his haze as they ran across the stage to bow in front of the audience. 

As she looked down upon her friends, peers, and family, Marguerite felt as though she were floating. She loved the applause that was deafening her ears. The entire cast and crew had worked so hard on this show, and to have the audience reacting so vividly was simply magical. As she stepped aside to let her Romeo bow, she could see the utter elation that was rolling off of him in waves. Joining hands with her friends, they all took their last bows; the sound of their respective mothers and friends hollering. Above all, Neil's friends had been the loudest.

As the curtain closed, Blossom let out a shriek of excitement, relieved to have the first show of the weekend finished. She embraced the girl who played mother of Juliet next to her, and the two shared a moment of pure joy.

Beside them, Neil and Marguerite were hugging, Marguerite filled with pure unadulterated merriment while Neil seemed to be holding on with a bit of caution, as if he was suddenly swaying afloat in the middle of a vast, dark ocean. "Are you alright?" Marguerite asked, narrowing her eyes as the two stepped backstage, already shedding pieces of their respective costumes. "You look a bit peaked,"

"It's..." Neil looked at her, then looked away for a moment, watching cast and crew run by, eager to get out of the place and over to the diner, which is where they were to have their final hurrah before doing it all over again tomorrow. Neil pondered if he should say anything for a moment, suddenly wishing that he led a completely different life. Everything would just be so much easier if he hadn't done the show, if he hadn't met the girls; if Todd hadn't been his roommate. Feeling a bit guilty, and as though he at least owed it to the brilliant girl next to him, he sighed once again. "It's my father. He came in during the last few scenes. He's here, and I don't know what I'm going to say when I see him."

People were rushing out, running every which way. Lights were already being shut off, and Blossom had already called to Marguerite that she was covered with a ride, and that she was going to see her parents, who had made special precautions with their schedules so that they would both be home for their daughter's show weekend. Neither of them would ever dare miss something from their gorgeous daughter.

Feeling a bit sick, Marguerite immediately turned back to Neil, feeling a bit of confidence rise up within her. "Anybody left in the boy's room?"

"Uh," Neil stammered, backing into the space. "No, no."

"Good. Change and stay here. I'll come get you when I'm finished."

"Wait, what?"

"You heard what I said. Just let me handle him."

"There's nothing you can do. You're only going to make it worse!" He cried out. There was so much he hadn't said to her about it all. 

"Sit!" And Neil did as he was told, because he had never seen Marguerite so manic, or so sure of herself; even though he'd seen a range of her emotions onstage.

In an impressive mere number of minutes, Marguerite had changed, and undone the few pins in her hair, leaving them in a nice row on her area at the makeup mirrors, and was off; having left her bag to retrieve at a later time. Now, she had one mission, and one mission alone: to talk some sense into the man that was terrifying the boy she had come to call her friend over the past few months.

Immediately she spotted him, standing closely to the stairs that were near stage right. She bounded down them quickly, moving as fast as she possibly could. There were still parents and their children hanging around, and the lull was just enough that the middle-aged man could not hear her the first time she spoke. This angered her, because Marguerite was never one to be ignored. 

"Mr. Perry!" She called again, in a much louder and determined voice. The man in question turned, and Marguerite was met with someone whom she had only dreamed about in her nightmares.

Mr. Perry simply stood and stared at her, taking in the vast change of who she appeared to be in real life. For his son to have wasted time with a young girl this rude and overbearing truly made him sick to the stomach. He opened his mouth to shoo the girl away, and suddenly, he was being patronized by the girl who had just moments ago confessed her love for his son and died for him. He didn't understand the mind of how one could switch from something so quickly.

"I know it isn't my place to say Sir, but I'm making it my place." She began, and Mr. Perry already felt his blood begin to boil. "Whatever you're going to say to him tonight; you're wrong. I've been an actress for many, many years. I have let this art form consume me, Mr. Perry. Your son is the most talented young man I have ever had the privilege of working with, and I have worked with many."

Mr. Perry furrowed his brow, that same anger threatening to boil over now that the young girl was speaking to him in this way. He opened his mouth to protest, but was swiftly stopped by the enigmatic girl before him. "I don't have time for—"

"You'll let me finish." She snapped back, doubling over him and claiming her space ferociously. "I know you don't want Neil to act. I know you think he's wasting his time. I know you think that all of this is a big joke. But you are wrong. You are dead wrong. Beauty, art, poetry, romance, Mr. Perry. This is what we live for. Neil is happy doing this. He's happier here than he could ever be on that stupid soccer team. He is so talented, Mr. Perry. He's so incredibly talented, and it would be a shame if you were to take away one of the only things that makes your son truly happy. This is his passion, Sir. Can't you see that?"

"My..." Mr. Perry found himself scoffing, "My son's passion?"

"Mr. Perry, I don't know if you have ever experienced true passion. Lust, perhaps, but not passion. Passion is an uncontrollable emotion you feel for something. Like Juliet feels for Romeo. If you've never let something fully consume you that isn't anger, I don't think you will ever have a good chance of understanding your son, Mr. Perry. I do believe that some measly part inside of your heart loves him, and that you ultimately want what's best. But if he's unhappy, how is that what's best? How is his happiness your right to decide? Sometimes you have to settle for what's right, even if you don't agree with it. Perhaps, Mr. Perry, you should think about settling. You only have so much time before you'll never see Neil again. Think about what your only son means to you, Sir."

"What do you think gives you the right to talk to me in such a way?"

"The right to stand up for my friends. Sir, I know you probably don't pay attention, but your son is not feeling well. He's scared, and he's full of a lot of remorse and hatred for himself; which he shouldn't be."

"How old are you?"

"How is that relevant?"

"How old are you?"

"I'm eighteen, Sir."

"You're a child. You don't know anything about raising children or passion or any of the other bullshit you've chattered on about."

"And you're a child if you think that your son isn't in grave danger of himself, Mr. Perry. I do believe he's going to try something drastic if things don't shape up between the two of you." The words leaving her mouth left her with a fuzzy feeling. She had known, since the moment she'd met Neil, that there was something behind the soft eyes and cool exterior. The more she had gotten to know him, the more she was sure of it.

"Do what? What could he possibly do?"

"Marguerite!" Ron called, placing a hand on the back of one of his favorite students and pulling her into him as he draped an arm over her shoulder. "What's going on over here?"

"This is Neil's father, Ron."

Marguerite felt Ron stiffen beneath her, and she quickly slipped out of his grasp. Making sure to whisper to him, she leaned upwards a bit. "Make sure he can come to that cast party tonight, if only for a little while. His father's a complete basket case." Ron nodded to her, already scheming away at her wishes.

Leaving Ron to argue it out with Mr. Perry, Marguerite dove backstage, grabbed her belongings, and ducked her head quickly into the dressing room, where Neil sat with his head in his heads. "Oh, Romeo!" Marguerite called, a tinkling laugh following her, "Let's go see your friends, lover boy."

On the way out, Marguerite watched as Ron led Mr. Perry out the door. She had no idea what sort of magic the older man had used, but it appeared as though Neil's father was leaving in accordance to his own devices. Marguerite could almost feel the winter air as the theatre door closed swiftly behind him.

"W-What did you say to him?" Neil asked, looking towards the girl next to him as if the hubbub of parents, kids, and friends weren't happening around him.

Marguerite, in turn, simply shrugged her shoulders, slipping her hand into his and squeezing his swiftly. "Don't worry about it," She replied, and before Neil could throw another question in, Blossom's arms had been thrown around the two.

"You fucking geniuses!" She gushed, the smile on her face so wide that Marguerite was almost certain that Blossom's entire mouth of beautiful teeth were visible. "I fucking love you!" She cried, her arms having left Neil and instead where on her best friend.

"I love you," She whispered, heart clenching, and pressed a chaste kiss of dried up lipstick to her cheek. "You're my greatest friend in the entire world." 

"I love you," Marguerite whispered back, holding her friend tightly. Neil looked on with a small smile as the two exchanged the moment. There was something between them. There had been since the moment he'd met them. He felt very fortunate to have been their friend, even if for a moment. Perhaps he would be for a long, long time.

"Neil!" Came Charlie's exuberant voice, "My boy!" His smile was evident, and he looked so happy that Blossom felt her heart sink in her chest. They were both still very confused about their feelings, and perhaps that was alright. Perhaps the two of them could figure it out together. 

"Neil!" Knox exclaimed, close to Charlie. "You were fantastic!"

"Fantastic?" Charlie scoffed, "He was phenomenal!"

"Neil, you're amazing." Meeks agreed, watching on as Charlie dove into giving him a powerful hug.

"Neil! You were absolutely fantastic. I am so, so proud of you." Gerard smiled, holding his program carefully, as not to fold it.

"Thank you guys!" Neil grinned, pulling away from Charlie's grasp.

"N-Neil," Todd stuttered, still completely blown away by his friend's performance. "You were... amazing." He said softly, bringing up the rear with Mr. Keating.

Neil smiled, and opened his mouth to say something in return, but was drowned out by Charlie taking over. "Where's our girls?" Charlie asked, clapping a hand over Neil's shoulder, and looking at the two next to him.

"Hi," Blossom smiled, her arms still full of flowers as she approached the group of boys first, eagerly looking at her new group of friends.

"Blossom," Charlie began, clearly trying to find words for what he was thinking. "You were..." His voice came out breathless, and he was looking at her as if she was the only person in the entire room. He swallowed his pride down harshly, and pulled her lips to his. A few sounds were made around them as the boys whooped and hollered, but Charlie couldn't hear them; because Blossom's lips were on his and it was better than any kiss he had ever experienced; and even if he was confused about everything that was going on, he knew that this was a feeling he wanted to experience for a long, long time to come.

"Well, boys, what did you think?" Marguerite asked, a sinking feeling in her chest as she watched her best friend pull away from Charlie. Her smile never left her lips. She was too good to let it fall apart now. 

"I thought you were pretty great." Knox replied first, his eyes shining as he spoke to her, his head spinning. She was so pretty that he always found himself tripping over himself when she talked to him.

"Thank you, Knox." She smiled at him, and he felt like he was melting. She could see the honey dripping off of his words. He was so nice. A shame she'd break his heart without hers being in it. 

The other boys exchanged comments of enjoyment before switching over to poke fun at Charlie's new found romance.

"Marguerite," Todd began, backing away from the gaggle around Charlie and her best friend, "You were wonderful, really."

Marguerite smiled brightly at the shy boy. "Thank you, Todd. Would you all like to come to the cast party? It's at the diner, and I'm sure Mr. Keating would be happy to drive you. I can even fit at least three of you in my car!" She smiled, always kind.

"Mr. Keating!" Charlie exclaimed, "Hey, who's that with the Captain?"

"Marguerite!" Marguerite turned, and hurried away from the gaggle as she embraced her mother tightly. From her spot, she could see the boys meandering away as Ginny and Chris bounded over to Blossom. She could talk to her girls in a few minutes, this was more important now.

Pushing a very curly and unruly lock of hair from her daughter's forehead, Amelia stared at her a moment in awe. She had been gone for so much of her daughter's life, and it was something she constantly blamed herself for. She always felt as if she had let Marguerite slip right through her fingers. But she hadn't wanted to give up her career, even with her darling baby girl at home. If it hadn't been for Edeline, Amelia could have never done any of the things she had or accomplished anything she had accomplished. Amelia owed more to Edeline than she could ever say. Staring down at her daughter suddenly broke her heart for the second time that night.

"Mom?"

"You were wonderful, baby." Amelia pressed a kiss to her daughter's forehead, and pulled her closely for another hug, this one tighter than the last. "You are so, so wonderful."

"Thank you," Marguerite smiled at her mother, still in a bit of a shock from her having taken the time off of work to come and see her play. "It means so much that you're here." She whispered as her mother held her closely.

"Marg! We're heading out!" Blossom called, and Marguerite pulled away from her mother; and turned towards her girlfriends. Blossom was already running out, and Ginny and Chris had descended upon her already. Sprouting words of encouragement and excitement, they couldn't stop gushing; and Marguerite felt like she was floating as she hugged and quickly caught up with them. Eventually they both ran away to see their other friends, and Marguerite looked over to the gaggle of boys to find Neil, Meeks, Charlie, and Knox waiting for her so they could go over to the diner.

"Are you all coming with me?"

\---

Upon entering the diner, the sounds of various theatre members, Blossom, Chris, and Ginny bounded across the air. Marguerite simply nodded to the waitress what group she was with, and ran towards her other friends.

Charlie slid next to Blossom, and Neil slid next to Marguerite. Todd sat at the head of the connecting booth of multitudes of people he didn't know, and tried to keep himself busy with his menu. Neil's knee was bouncing underneath the table with some sort of pent-up nervous energy, and Todd could feel it against his own leg, since everyone was so jammed in. He didn't have the heart to move it away. After last night, he couldn't tell how much more of Neil he was ever going to see. Could his father really send him off?

Everyone was talking at once. Blossom and Marguerite were in their own conversation as usual. The two were often in their own little worlds. Meeks was pestering Neil about how he had taken on the task of learning to die every night, Charlie and half the cast were going back and forth on various things, Ginny and Gerard were talking in a softer tone, and Knox was staring dreamily out the window, for it had begun to snow as soon as they had entered the theatre, and had yet to let up.

The night drew on, stories swapping back and forth and the friends laughing chaotically back and forth. Eventually, the cast mates had dwindled down, the younger ones having gone off to their home. Somehow, the party had dwindled down to Marguerite, Blossom, and a few other stragglers whom the girls were great friends with.

"Neil?" The sight of Mr. Keating startled the group, as they had forgotten he had been occupying the far corner of the diner all night, until the boys were ready to go. Neil looked over from his conversation with Marguerite, his smile immediately falling away as he stared at the space behind his beloved teacher.

His father, standing in place as the snow continued to fall down around him stood out like a sore thumb. He turned to Mr. Keating, and no words left either as they surmised what was to become of him. Neil felt that same horror in the pit of his stomach, threatening to get out and attack him at the drop of a hat. The friends had grown silent, and Mr. Keating cleared his throat as the awkward moment drew on. "Boys," He began, "It's time to leave." The sound of groans followed, but hardly any of them came from the boys, as they had all seen Neil's father looming outside.

"Alright," Neil nodded, and Keating walked away as the boys got themselves together and left money for their food.

Neil felt himself slip away suddenly, his mind roaring with the rush of a fast train. "Hey," He vaguely heard Marguerite's clear voice, but he felt so far away that he could barely grasp it. "Tell him how you feel." The words slipped off her tongue and over his head like a drop of rain.

"Neil? Are you coming back with us?" Todd asked, a frantic, empty feeling crawling inside of him. 

"No, I can't. I can't." He responded, shaking his head and letting his eyes take a stealing, long glance into Todd's grounding, terrified eyes as he stood up.

"What? Why not?" Charlie asked, equally as frantic, but trying his best to stay calm despite the situation.

"I just can't," Neil responded, looking at his longest friend. He stole another glance at Todd as he got up to leave. His heart felt like it was cracking as his mind whirled with the reminder. You should have told him.

A following of goodbyes accompanied Neil as he left the restaurant and went out onto the street to meet his angered father. He knew before he had even stepped foot outside that it could be the last time he would ever see his friends again. There was so much he still needed to say but now, as his father erupted in the blizzard outside, he felt himself shrink down to the sidewalk with the other flakes.

Back inside, the friends all bid one another goodbye, and as soon as they had all gone their separate ways; and Marguerite had dropped off the stragglers who needed rides, she sat in Blossom's driveway, the time ticking away. Thankfully, tomorrow was Saturday.

"Are you worried?" Blossom whispered, a stark contrast of their comfortable silence. "For Neil,"

"Yes," Marguerite nodded, "I don't know if I've ever been more worried. I'm afraid he'll do something drastic."

"There's nothing we can do. We don't even know where he lives. Didn't he say the worst would be he gets sent to military school?"

"He wouldn't last a week in military school, Blossom. You know that."

"Yeah," Blossom nodded, letting the car's sound even out for a moment. She felt like she had done something terrible, like robbed a bank, or taken drugs, or shoveled herself into a grave in the dirt. She was tired. So, so tired. Before she knew what was happening, she was beginning to cry. She tried to choke down the feeling, and she began to tremble. She had liked kissing Charlie after the show, and she hated how much he excited her. She had always wanted that life to be with the girl next to her, no matter if it was illegal or not.

Marguerite, confused and worried by her best friend's sudden outburst, carefully adjusted so that she was sitting next to her. She reached over and gingerly touched Blossom's shoulder, which was clothed by a sweater, as the two had thrown their large overcoats in the back.

Marguerite's soft hand on her sweater felt like a prayer for which no words existed, and Blossom could feel her heart taking root in her body, like she'd discovered something she didn't even have a name for. She had no idea how to tell Charlie how she felt, because she was still so hopelessly smothering herself with an unrequited love. For as much as she liked Charlie, as much as she could see herself loving him, she had never loved anyone as much as she had loved the young woman next to her, and Marguerite was slipping farther away from her every single day.

Marguerite felt like she was touching a holy entity as she brushed her fingers over Blossom's shoulders, doing her best to calm her dearest friend. She wanted to kiss her suddenly. She'd done so before, on greetings and reminders of love and soft goodbyes and congratulations. But this was different. She wanted to kiss her until they couldn't breathe, until they were panting for air and wrapping within one another. 

Hiccuping, Blossom pulled herself closer to Marguerite, the shared seat aiding her quick shift. Throwing all caution to the wind, she gripped her best friend's face softly. Marguerite's brain stopped functioning. Quickly, before she lost her nerve, Blossom pressed her lips to Marguerite's. "I've always loved you, Marg. More than I can ever, ever tell you." She whispered and savoring the sweetness of the moment, she grabbed her coat, and ran out before the other girl had time to react.

As Marguerite began to pull out of the space, tasting Blossom's lips on her own, the drive home had never felt so poor. Or lonely. She wished she could have had a moment to say it back. To overcome the fear within her chest and whisper the words to Blossom. I love you. I always have. Her mind was swirling with confused and frantic thoughts. She was in love, desperately so. As she came inside, her mother greeted her, her arms more welcoming to the girl in that moment than her mother had ever known.

After cleaning up, Amelia did the same thing she did every time her daughter came home late. They talked into the wee hours of the morning, no louder than a whisper, and fell asleep on the sofa, the fireplace burning and a blanket over them. The snow outside fell on peacefully.


	19. xix. The Center Won't Hold

"In the end they battered and broke you, harried by their vengeance. The while your resonance lingered in lions and rocks and in the trees and birds. There you are singing still." - Rainer Maria Rilke | Sonnets to Orpheus

\---

The sound of knocking startled Charlie, as he was not used to being awoken while the sun was still set on a Saturday morning. Groaning with dismay, he shifted, but immediately shot up as he was greeted by Mr. Keating holding a candle. It felt as though it were a scene from a film, or a play they had read in the man's class.

"Mr. Keating?" The words slipped off of his tongue, and no matter how tired Charlie was, he knew something had to be terribly wrong; for Mr. Keating's eyes were filled with tears. He looked disheveled in more ways than one, and Charlie felt a pit grow inside of his stomach.

"What's the meaning of this!" Cameron shot, his roommate already alert despite the cold morning air and the even colder atmosphere they were both currently residing in.

"The headmaster got a call this morning, very early." Charlie could tell that Mr. Keating was choosing his words carefully, either trying to soften a blow or to heed himself from dissolving before them. It didn't take long for Charlie to rack his mind before he was thinking of Neil, and the words he had muttered to him merely a few weeks ago. I don't know if I'm going to make it to graduation, Neil had said. Charlie has brushed it off as best he could, hoping that he was over-exaggerating in order to aid himself from his father's immense wrath for the time being. A terrible sick feeling began bubbling up in his stomach, and he suddenly felt as though he were going to be very sick.

"Mr. Keating?" Charlie asked, not wanting to acknowledge the thoughts running through his head. His voice broke as the unasked question hung in the air.

"It's Neil, Charlie," As soon as the words left his beloved teacher's mouth, Charlie flung himself out of the bed, scrambling for the trash can that resided in the corner of his shared dorm with Cameron. "He's dead."

Charlie was faintly aware as he threw himself over the trash can, becoming violently ill, that Cameron was asking for the logistics of it all. Charlie could hear that Mr. Keating was struggling with the news as much as he was, even though Charlie felt as if he was going to be affected by the news much, much longer. He could hear the whisper of 'his father's gun,' and something along the lines of 'after the party,' but he wasn't paying attention. He couldn't bear to know the details. His best friend in the entire world was gone. As he heaved himself silly into the trash can in his dorm room, Mr. Keating backed himself out of the place.

His best friend was gone. Charlie knew, realistically, that nothing could be done. However, it didn't stop him from blaming himself and dissolving into a heap on his dormitory floor. Neil had been everything to Charlie, and the weight of the news crushed him like an ant underneath a shoe.

Cameron tried to help, placing a hand on his shoulder, muttering something about how he wasn't surprised that it had come to that for Neil. The words falling out of his roommate's mouth made Charlie even more ill, and he had run out of the place, knowing that if he spent another second in the room with Cameron that he was going to simply lose his mind and do something drastic to the boy's annoying face.

He fumbled his way down to Knox's room, knowing that Knox was the only possible person he could see at this time. Meeks and Pitts were his close friends as well, but there was no way he could go to them with this first. He had to see Knox. Whether Charlie was still mixed up about his feelings or not, none of that mattered now; because one of their greatest friends in the entire world had slipped out of their loosening grasp. He spent a few more moments fumbling with the doorknob before he swung into his friend's room, to find Knox already awake, looking out of his window, bundled up in a sweater and sweatpants.

"Charlie?" He looked at his best friend and felt his heart drop into his stomach. He'd spent the night thinking of how no matter much time he spent with Marguerite, they were never going to be together. While he enjoyed her company immensely, he couldn't help but feel like a supporting character to her life, no matter how hard he tried. He had also been thinking of how Neil had looked as he had walked away from them last night, and his face had made Knox stay awake even longer. The look on Charlie's face was currently enough to force him to think of their Romeo.

Blubbering, Charlie flung himself into Knox's arms, collapsing into a sob. "Charlie?" Knox's voice was small, unsure and unsettled as Charlie's arms wrapped tightly around him.

"Neil," He muttered out, a heart wrenching sob escaping his lips. Knox fumbled as Charlie hung onto him, trying to situate their positions. Charlie was shivering, and Knox hoped it was from the cold. "Here," Knox whispered, untangling himself and sitting them onto his untouched bed. Charlie stayed silent albeit his violent crying, his arms wrapping around himself. "What happened to Neil?" Knox's doe eyes were threatening to spill tears as well.

Charlie let out another mangled cry, and kept up with it for a few minutes before he could pull himself away. "He's dead,"

"W-What?" Knox cried out, his eyes already spilling buckets of tears. He truly couldn't believe the words as they had left his dearest friend's mouth. "What do you mean he's dead? He's got a show tonight! We just... we just saw him last night!"

"I wasn't really listening when Keating came in," Charlie answered, his heart completely broken into pieces. "But, I caught some things. He... he killed himself. Used his father's gun,"

The words hung in the air bitterly, and neither of them could much more than slide away from each other, wiping their tears from their eyes and crying a bit hysterically. Finally, after their sorrows could no longer be emitted, they sat silently for a few moments, and Knox picked his head up, the first to gather his thoughts. "I'm so sorry, Charlie. I knew how much he meant to you."

Charlie felt a gasp of air leave his mouth, in a noncommittal sort of laugh. "No," He shook his head, his eyes overfilling with tears once again. "You didn't,"

Knox was silent, feeling incredibly sick and so sad that he felt like his heart could never go back to the way it had been before. He didn't know how to comfort his best friend, either, and he felt himself well over with tears once again. Not knowing what to really do, he placed a hand on Charlie's knee, doing his best to show that he felt as crumby and distressed and torn-up as he did. "I didn't know him as long, that's true, but I do know, Charlie. He's one of my greatest friends, too."

Charlie simply nodded, not knowing how to dispel upon Knox how deeply painful all of this was for him. He wanted to wake up from whatever nightmare this was immediately. "There was so much I didn't tell him." Charlie lamented, and Knox pulled him into another hug. Charlie felt himself relax into him with another sob, mulling over everything he had never uttered to his best friend. He had loved him deeply all those years ago, and he couldn't help but fear that if he'd said something, if he'd done something, his friend's fate could have been different. If he had even whispered that he should come back to school, lied to his father that they had an important extra exam this morning. Charlie felt as though he was going to be blaming himself for a long time, because Neil was his greatest, oldest friend. He loved him, no matter if the romantic feelings were still there or not. He loved him simply because he was his best friend. Neil was the boy he'd learned hardships with, the one who had been there when he'd skinned his knee when they were five and the one who had been there through Charlie crushing on girls from the local high school.

Knox shifted beneath him, pulling apart and settling his hands onto Charlie's shoulders. "We should tell the others, before someone else tells them."

Charlie nodded, not knowing if he could gather up the courage to talk. Knox, wiping away at his eyes, stood up first. "I can tell Meeks and Pitts, if you want. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

"Alright," Charlie nodded, wiping his eyes once again. He shivered, suddenly aware of the intense cold in Knox's room. He hadn't felt it before because of his breakdown, and he was silent as he blew warm air into his palms.

"Here," Knox gingerly handed him his robe, "The heat's been out a few days in here." Charlie nodded in thanks, and Knox shifted the topic back, "When you're ready, we'll go."

"Alright," Charlie nodded, pulling on the robe that smelled faintly of pine for no apparent reason, and stood up; feeling less woozy than he had minutes ago. He didn't know how much more of this he could take. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole in the deepest part of a forest and decay.

Before they left the freezer of Knox's bedroom, Knox slipped a hand into Charlie's, squeezing softly. "Let's go," He cast him a sad smile, and the two shifted out into the hallway. Walking down the hall, they spotted that the light was already on in Meeks and Pitts' room. Before entering, Knox dropped their hands, and knocked on the door twice before they were called in.

Upon entering, the two downtrodden boys found Meeks scribbling away at a notebook, pouring over some Latin. Pitts was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The two immediately looked over and felt their stomachs' drop as they had never seen either of their friends so disheveled. While they had seen Knox in various levels of torment, this was a first to see Charlie in such a state, and his disheveled appearance alone was enough to send them into worry.

"Guys?" Meeks asked first, fumbling to put his pencil down.

"What happened?" Pitts shot after Meeks, knowing that nothing good could come of Knox and Charlie in such a state.

"Mr. Keating came into Charlie's room earlier. It's uh... Neil. He's—he's dead."

Meeks let out a stream of air, and Pitts lent back into his bed. The two showed completely different, yet very vivid emotional responses to their grief. Meeks was crushed, visibly, and tears had already begun to stream down his face. Pitts, who was normally one to wear his heart on his sleeve, instead was silent; not really understanding the scope of how dreadful he felt about the current situation at hand. While Knox gave them the small details he knew, they continued on with their response.

The feeling of grief was overwhelming for Meeks. Neil had been one of his first friends once he had joined Welton, and he had introduced him to his dearest friend, Gerard Pitts. Neil had been one of his closest confidantes, and was always someone he could lend an ear to or could help him with his schoolwork. He was vibrant and lively, and Meeks had truly loved him.

Pitts, on the other hand, fell silent as the words came out of Knox's mouth like hot tar. Pitts has been a bit timid when joining Welton many years ago, but had quickly been befriended by the school's golden boy. Being in Neil Perry's growing friend group had been one of the greatest joys of Pitts' life, and he had made many close connections and relationships in being apart of Neil's life. Neil had always been the first to offer up extra help to him, and he felt as though his heart had caved in on itself.

After a few silent moments of despair, Knox spoke up. "We've got to tell Todd," He strategized, feeling sick as he did so.

"And how do you suppose we do that?" Charlie huffed, feeling miserable as he sat on Meeks' bed. Charlie had seen the way they looked at each other, had listened to the love poems they'd written at meetings. Charlie knew no matter how they approached it, Todd was liable to fly off the handle.

"He hasn't known him as long, not like we have," Knox argued, "It'll be hard on him, no doubt, but he didn't know him when he was five years old like we did, Charlie."

"It's different for them," Charlie shook his head, and no one said anything, the silence enveloping them deafening.

"He did help Todd get out of his shell a lot, didn't he?" Meeks spoke, taking his glasses off to wipe away his tears. "I can't be the one to do it."

"I can't either," Pitts added, a horribly depressive tone filling his hollow voice.

"I'll do it," Charlie volunteered, and Knox raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure?"

"It has to be me," Charlie nodded, because he knew that the only way to tell Todd was to present him with a monologue about how life could go on after love. Risking revealing things Todd had never uttered to him, he took it upon himself to wipe his eyes and gather the courage to cross the threshold of Todd's lone room.

Charlie, high on some sort of depressive haze, wandered into Todd's room, preparing a soliloquy about how Neil's death didn't mean the end of the world for the poor boy. As he woke him, Todd pushed him off, grumbling that it was too early.

"No, Todd," Charlie changed his tone, and Todd sat up, a bit frightened. His friends all stood around him, wiping their eyes and faces. Charlie looked as though he had climbed through Hell and lost everything, and Todd was reminded of the story they'd discussed in class, the tragedy of Orpheus and Eurydice. Why were Charlie's eyes reflective of losing his dearest loved one?

"Charlie?"

"Neil's dead." Charlie said instead, throwing his monologue out the window.

The words didn't register in Todd's brain. But the bed beside him was empty as it had been all night, and he felt as though he was going to be sick. It had to be some sort of sick, disgusting joke. Just two nights previously, he had been holding him, and just last night, he had seen him prance about stage alive. Distraught, he clambered out of bed, needing a taste of the fresh air more than he needed anything else right now. He was vaguely aware of his friends accompanying him, and Knox joining the pack with tears in his eyes.

Throwing himself to the ground, tasting snow and having arms put around him, he felt sick. Sicker than he had ever felt before; more than when his parents had forgotten about him, more than when Jeffery had made horribly rude fun of him, more than the moment he'd looked at the boy claiming to be his roommate and fallen in love.

He wanted to scream, and was sputtering things about how his father must have killed him because Neil had loved life. Neil had loved his life, last night, after the show, when his hand had slipped cautiously into Todd's own at the diner. Last night, when he was on stage. Two weeks ago when their meeting had ended in a terrible sonnet from Charlie. Neil had loved his life, and last night was hitting Todd like a train. He'd never really known how terrible it had all been, the two had never discussed it.

As the friends watched Todd throw himself into the snow and out of their grasp, it was Meeks who spoke up first, watching Todd collapse. "He was our best friend," He lowered his voice, "And we loved him."

"But Todd really loved him, didn't he?" Pitts lamented, not knowing if he could possibly feel any worse than how he felt now.

The others nodded, an unspoken agreement traveling between them. The four watched Todd carefully for a few moments, then split away and went up to their rooms. They all needed to be alone to mourn in their own ways.

A few hours later, Charlie had risen from his bed, turning to Knox, who was seated at his desk. Charlie had taken up the unused bed in Knox's room, for he couldn't bear to be alone and peaceful towards Cameron.

"Did you call the girls?" Charlie asked, his throat feeling like sandpaper. All activities for the day had been cancelled, the intercom had bore the news earlier in the day.

"Yes," Knox nodded, "It was the same reaction over there."

Knox, feeling the burden of the weight he was carrying, felt the immense urge to lay down and sleep, because the phone calls he had made had exhausted him to no end. Marguerite had sobbed, desperately wondering if she could go to the police and file a child abuse report, for she had revealed to Knox that he had confided in her with how dreadful his parents had been. Knox had shut down the police report idea, because one was surely already being filed for different reasons.

Blossom, on the other hand, had an almost unsettling amount of composure over the phone as Knox babbled terrible news. Blossom had simply asked how, and if the others were going to be alright. She had also confided in him that she and Neil had both shared something very personal, and that no matter how dreadfully sad she was, she needed Knox to promise her that Todd and Charlie were going to be alright; and Knox was not going to be one to break a promise.

"Right," Charlie nodded, not knowing what else there was to say. Instead, he settled into bed, Knox mirroring his actions on the other side of the room.

That day, no matter who they were, whether it be the crushed theatre company who had cancelled all performances or the distraught school of boys, the small Vermont town took a hit that day, for one of their brightest stars had been distinguished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines


	20. xx. That Old Lonely Feeling

"You remember too much, my mother said to me recently. Why hold on to that? and I said, Where can I put it all down?" - Anne Carson | The Glass Essay

\---

Marguerite sighed, picking up her mail as she blew into her apartment building. The doorman greeted her, and she simply smiled and gave her best attempt at a wave in return. She had been incredibly busy lately, and with her constantly changing schedule, she'd barely had time to catch up with her friends, let alone her mail.

It had been ten years since Marguerite had moved away from her small town in Vermont to New York City, and she hadn't looked back frequently since. She visited Blossom on occasion, and for family, her mother often came to visit her, since business was in town. She didn't keep up with the boys she had met senior year, even if Blossom had followed Charlie out to California.

The first letter in the stack, postmarked from California, was in Blossom's flowing print. Quickly, Marguerite scaled the four flights to her small apartment, shutting the door quickly behind her. She dropped her backpack and quickly went to put away the few groceries she had purchased on her way home from the theatre. The clock hands on the kitchen counter blared an ugly reminder that it was nearly one in the morning.

As soon as she had finished putting away everything she needed to, she dove into her stack of mail, addressing the most important letters first. Settling into her bed, which wasn't far from her kitchen, Marguerite felt her eyes tear up as she opened the latest letter from her beloved friend.

_Marguerite,  
Dearest! It has been a few weeks since you've written. I hope you aren't ill! Besides, you did reply that you would be coming to my baby shower on the fifteenth. Can you still make it? I completely understand if you can't. I know how dreadfully busy you keep yourself. (Make sure that you are getting ample rest!)_

_Charlie and I are coming back to the house I grew up in for it, if you didn't remember. I want to see my parents, and Charlie wants to attend his class reunion; so it all fit together just wonderfully! I don't think we'll be visiting Charlie's parents while we're there, but I'm not entirely certain. As you know, it all burned down after he got himself expelled._

_I miss you, darling. All the firsts of relationships and marriage I have always felt should have been reserved to share with you. You are my greatest love, and I miss you dearly. You make my world so much brighter, sweet girl._

_Please write to me, or give me a ring. You know where to find me. Charlie and I have sent a book we picked up at a sweet little shoppe, I hope you enjoy it! I'm not sure when it will arrive._

_I love you,  
Blossom   
XO_

Marguerite sat back for a moment, mulling over the letter. She wiped her eyes, as large tears had formed. Since she had graduated from Juilliard, she had gone separate ways from the classmates who had become her closest friends. Occasionally, she worked with them, but not as often as she had wished. Blossom had been the only friend she had kept in constant contact with since she had graduated from high school, and she was filled with an immense sense of estrangement, as she often was now. She had tried to keep in contact with Knox, but after they parted ways for school, it fell apart.

Blossom, on the other hand, had gone a completely different route than Marguerite could have ever guessed her too. Charlie had been sent to the public school for the rest of his school year, with much discontent from his parents. For him, it had been wonderful. He got to be around Blossom every day, and every girl in the senior class grew to resent the bubbly girl just a tad for completely capturing his heart.

The two had gone to the prom together, and Marguerite had followed suit with taking Knox. The only difference was that Marguerite was actually dating Knox, even if her heart wasn't really in it. She and Knox had slow danced and spent time together at the diner, but didn't do much else. Her head was always elsewhere. Blossom and Charlie had just been great friends at the time. Marguerite could never figure it out; what the allure to Charlie was. Even after he had gone away to UCLA, Blossom had poured out in letters and visits home to Marguerite that she was determined to follow him. To this day, Marguerite had no idea what pulled the two of them together like opposite sides of a magnet.

Still, as Blossom filled out applications and auditioned for schools near him, they had not been dating. Marguerite had encouraged her best friend to follow in her footsteps, hoping the younger girl would join her in the hallowed halls of Juilliard. They were certain to accept a girl with such promising talent as Blossom exhibited.

Yet Blossom had wrenched a hole in the girl's heart by following the boy she had not known nearly as long to California. Letters from those days, stored in a box under Marguerite's bed, were testimonials to their friendship, to her friendship with Charlie. Eventually the letters had morphed into love letters home, describing funny quirks about school, California's weather, or Charlie.

For the last ten years, Charlie Dalton had been head over heels, unstoppably in love with Blossom Kingsley. Marguerite hadn't been aware of how deep and vast his love ran for her greatest friend until she had flown out for their engagement party. The two liked to have parties, a way of showing off their immaculate apartment in the Hollywood Hills. Blossom had made quite a name for herself in pictures, and Charlie was one of the most well-respected criminal lawyers in the nation. It had been when Marguerite had taken her fourth martini, still not having seen Blossom from the overwhelming amount of other friends she had that Marguerite had slipped away, out onto the deck.

She needed to clear her thoughts. She was utterly distraught, yet she knew she should be happy. Blossom was, for once in her life, the happiest she had ever seen her. Why couldn't she be happy for her? And then Charlie found her moments later, wiping her eyes. He told her that no matter what was to happen between them, he was never going to hurt her dearest friend. And for the first time Marguerite Leon had known Charlie Dalton, he had been so sincere that she had started to cry.

Blossom and Charlie had gotten married a few months later, and Marguerite had almost gotten over her ping of jealousy from Charlie having taken away her dearest friend for good. They were a perfect match for each other, each as wild and ambivalent as the next. Marguerite had been the maid of honor, Knox the best man. The two hadn't said much, but Knox had introduced his new girlfriend.

Marguerite had gone home on the train that evening thinking of how everything in her chest hurt. Her best friend was married, her old friends were moving on. That had been two years ago now, and yet she still felt sometimes as though she had just been floating from job to job, never really rooting herself in anyone or anything.

Setting the letter to the side, she pulled out a carefully wrapped package from the bottom of the stack. Carefully, she unwrapped the twine, and found a small letter on the inside.

_Marguerite,  
I hope you enjoy this.   
Love,  
Blossom_

Marguerite furrowed her brow, pulling the heavy bound book out of the packaging. The hardcover book was bound in a pale blue, with nothing more than the title, Dead Poets Society, across the front. Growing a bit anxious thinking back to what had happened ten years ago, she opened the hardcover and flipped through the publishing to the title page. 

_Dead Poets Society  
By: Todd Anderson_

_Dedicated to:  
My roommate, who believed in me more than I ever did in myself.  
Mr. Keating. The powerful play is going on. I can only hope to contribute to the verse.   
The Poets: For years of friendship, hardships and firsts. _

Under the inscription was a label that read New York Times Best Seller. Marguerite's heart soared. She curled farther into her bed, pulling the covers over her and flicking on the lamp next to her bed. The book was split into many sections, and she was becoming delirious with the thoughts of long ago.

Neil had left behind a string of letters and notes, small things really, that had kept Todd busy for weeks going through all of them. She had always wanted the shy boy to know that Neil had loved him, even if he had never said so. Feeling her heart sink a bit deeper, she knew that in some way, she had lost the only friend she'd truly loved as well. They had both lost something, him more than her. Fumbling around for the reading glasses she had acquired in the past few years, she snuggled into a long night of reading.

-

Within a few weeks, Marguerite was riding the train back to Vermont, passing the city hubbub and settling into the lush, deep forests. She kept her eyes on the window, looking back to the poetry book she'd received as the train clattered on. The section entitled 'The Girls,' had brought her to tears. Blossom was a highlight of the piece, since she knew that he knew Blossom better than Marguerite knew him. To read about her dearest friend described in such a beautiful light made Marguerite's head hurt.

As soon as she had embarked from the train, she hailed a cab, which existed in town now, to Blossom's. Clearly, she was not the first to arrive. She was missing so much of her love's life. It made her spin. A red Ferrari laid in the driveway, and Blossom's parents' car seemed to have been out of the place.

Climbing the steps with a heavy heart, Marguerite stepped inside of the open door, shutting it behind her. She heard Blossom's tinkling voice, followed by a couple of women and the sounds of men coming out of the parlor area. Stealing a few moments in the hall to take off her jacket, Marguerite stared at herself in the hallway mirror, barely recognizing the hollow girl inside. She adjusted her blouse, and took a deep breath. Turning on her heel, she entered the room to find a gaggle of familiar faces.

"Marg!" Blossom cried, the first to dismantle from her sitting position.

"I've missed you," Marguerite smiled, biting back the tears burning in her eyes. "Well, both of you, I guess."

Blossom laughed, that tinkling, beautiful sound Marguerite had always loved. After too brief a hug, Blossom was dragging her to the front, introducing her to a gaggle of people as her dearest friend. Marguerite found that she knew most of the faces. Charlie, accompanied by what appeared to be an older Meeks and Knox at his side, and Todd and Pitts were talking and smiling over by the kitchen. A women sat on the couch where Blossom had left. 

"This is everybody, Marg! I'm sure you remember." Blossom spoke quickly, as she always had. "And this is Betty Overstreet! You met at my wedding!"

After a brief shaking of hands, Marguerite reintroduced herself to Betty. She barely remembered her from the wedding. She'd gotten so embarrassingly drunk. Todd and Pitts had rejoined the conversation, and Marguerite felt displaced, as she hadn't known when Meeks and Pitts had switched over to using Gerard and Steven.

In a large bout of conversation with the others about children, Marguerite slipped out, excusing herself to the kitchen. Exhaling a steady stream of air, she felt those tears prick out from her eyes once again.

"It's a bit rowdy in there, isn't it?" The strange voice startled her, and she turned to face Todd. He looked nothing like he had all those years ago, and Marguerite figured she didn't either.

"A bit, yes." She stumbled, not really knowing what to say. "I read your book,"

"Oh?"

"It was brilliant. Really, truly beautiful, Todd."

"Thanks," Todd smiled, and swallowed thickly. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Marguerite nodded, "I keep very busy."

"I saw one of your shows in New York, a few years ago. I don't remember the title. You were wonderful, just like you had been. Better, even."

"Thank you," Marguerite smiled, feeling a blush rise to her cheeks. "I wish you had stayed. I would have liked to see you afterwords."

"Next time," Todd nodded, both knowing the phrase was noncommittal.

"Do you live in New York? Do you see a lot of theatre?" Marguerite asked, immediately feeling bad for asking too many questions, and biting her tongue instead.

"Yes," Todd nodded, "I'm careful with what I see. I don't like to see plays that hit too closely, you know? It's all a bit much somedays."

"I'm sorry," Marguerite finally whispered, feeling hollow as she did. "I never told you that. I never told you how sorry I was."

"Don't," Todd shook his head, "It's alright." The silence that followed was deafening, so Todd tried a different tactic, because he was one to start conversations now. "How are you? Life's going well?" He asked again.

"Oh," Marguerite smiled, "It's all fine." She had no thoughts to tell the boy of the empty feeling she had growing inside of her. Smile for the audience, trail behind the leading man, wait for another opportunity from agents who found her disposable, miss her dearest friend who had captured the entire world's heart.

"Really?"

"Yes," Marguerite nodded, smiling for the audience. "What about you?"

"I'm wonderful, actually." Todd nodded, concealing a smile just enough to force Marguerite to know that he was incredibly happy, perhaps even more than he was letting on. "New York City has been wonderful for me, and writing that book has cemented me in some sort of poetic history. The Times said I'll never have to write again, but I'm anticipating my next book more than my publishers."

"I'm so happy for you. Truly,"

"It's just been wonderful. We live near Central Park, and we've got a cat." Todd smiled again, "Sometimes I feel really guilty about how happy I am, because I'd always imagined that life with someone else, right? But I have to remind myself that I deserve to be this happy, even if I do sometimes feel bad about it."

"Do they know?" She asked, the scenes from that last night ten years ago replaying in her mind.

"He's always known."

Marguerite was silent, because the day she had gone off and spoken about her home town at Juilliard, the other acting majors had become hushed by her mention of the Vermont town, as they had all read the headlines months ago. It filled her with an immensely sick feeling.

"Do you think Neil would have been proud of us?" Marguerite asked, her words soft. She hadn't meant to bring him up so much, if at all, but no matter how long she had known him, he had left an imprint on her life. "Don't you ever lie awake at night and think 'What could I have said? What could I have done?'" Marguerite found herself suddenly choking on tears she had not felt for years, some for Neil, some for herself. Most for the way she'd given advice she couldn't take.

"Of course I do," Todd replied, "But after awhile, I stopped blaming myself. I had too."

"What happened to the two of you?" Marguerite couldn't help herself, wondering desperately about all those years ago.

"I loved him desperately, but I guess it wasn't enough. I don't think that we could have realistically worked out."

"Did he ever tell you?"

"No," Todd's voice was just as soft as Marguerite's, perhaps softer. "He didn't. But I—I think I knew."

"I'm so sorry,"

"There wasn't any time,"

"But—"

"It was all a long time ago."

"Weren't you..."

"Crushed? Of course. Sometimes I still am. He was the first boy I'd ever loved. Sometimes love just isn't enough, Marg. Even if you would stop the world to make it so."

"It should have been. Love is always enough."

"Not for him," Todd shook his head, "Come on, we've got to get back to the party."

"But do you think he's proud of us?" Marguerite asked again, her eyes still shining with tears.

The same chill passed through the air again, and Marguerite shivered. Todd had felt it too. It was silent for a moment, the weight of Marguerite's words crushing.

"Yes," Todd answered after awhile, his heart feeling more mixed up than it had in years. "I do. Because the powerful play is going on, and we are contributing a verse."

"Marguerite?" Knox poked his way into the kitchen, looking a bit more fatherly than he had at their senior prom. The stark contrast to a different conversation made Marguerite swallow back the rest of her vodka without a second thought, for she had known where Blossom's parents hid it for years.

"I'll leave you to it," Todd nodded, meandering away.

Knox, who looked virtually the same, just a bit more older, a bit wiser, stared at Marguerite for a moment, as if trying to take it all in.

"I've been sent to the store to get some more refreshments. Would you like to accompany me? Catch up on the old times?"

"Would you like me to?"

"I've asked you first. You can see the photos of my kids."

"Are you sure?"

"My wife suggested that you accompany me," Knox nodded, "You look miserable, so you may as well."

"What?"

"You wear your heart on your sleeve. You always have."

She felt as though he'd cracked her like an egg then. She had nothing to reply, so she followed him, taking his arm as he led the two of them out to the sitting area, and she unhooked herself and stepped silently back into the foyer to put her coat on as he kissed his wife farewell.

"It's been awhile, Marguerite Leon. Whatever have you kept yourself busy with?" He questioned, disembarking from the steps of the house and into the air of the Vermont town. It was already suffocating Marguerite, reminding her of a perfect life that had been stripped away from her very quickly.

"Work, mostly," She answered, following to his station wagon. "After school I just dove into it. I got an agent right out of school, and I've traveled all over doing things here and there."

"Pretty crazy how I saw you in a show ten years ago and now you're a big actress on stage and I'm just an insurance agent with a mortgage and three kids."

"You've got three kids? Haven't you been in school for six years?"

"We got married right out of school, so it was only a matter of time."

"Sometimes I feel like I have nothing but time,"

"Do you want to see a picture of my kids?" Knox asked, rifling through the things in back before gripping onto a photo album and setting it in Marguerite's lap as they sped down the familiar streets.

Opening the album were photos of Knox and his wife, clearly in their college days, taken haphazardly with a Polaroid. After the first few it had turned to their children, and Marguerite felt her eyes begin to water. She could never have led a life like this. She'd read a book a few years prior called The Feminine Mystique, that had explained the "problem with no name," the way women could only be housewives and they were sick of it. It was relatable, in a certain way, in a way of not wanting to commit, but Marguerite was removed from it. From everything and everyone. She was lonesome. Dreadfully so. 

"Want to know their names?"

"Of course," Marguerite nodded, noting how silent she had been the last few moments.

"The girls are Anne and Elizabeth, Annie and Eliza. My son's name is Neil,"

"What?"

"I called Charlie after we found out, and he encouraged me. He told me that even if he ever had a son, he'd never name him Neil. It was just too much for him, but he wanted me to do it. The others agreed. It fits him perfectly. He's a lively, smart little boy. All of mine are," Knox smiled at a stop light, "They're my world."

Marguerite nodded, "I'm so happy for you, Knox. Truly," She felt as far away from him as she could possibly be, even if they were mere inches away from each other. She turned then, looking out the window as the familiar buildings and trees rolled past. The melancholy feeling slipped back underneath her.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You got any kids?"

"Heavens no," Marguerite shook her head vigorously, "I'm all on my own."

"Oh,"

Marguerite was glad that they had arrived at their destination, as she couldn't bear to be in the car a moment longer. She was the only one at the party who didn't have a mortgage, pay taxes on her car, or have a committed relationship. She hadn't seen anyone with Meeks or Pitts, but they had been too close to call pals. They always had been. She must have been blind to not see it. She lived alone in an apartment too small to call a home, too big to call a room; and hadn't had a serious relationship in many years, if she had ever had one at all.

Knox nodded, feeling that same worry trickle back in that he'd felt so long ago when they were together. "There never really was anyone, was there?"

"I'm horribly boring," Marguerite added a laugh, a flair of embellishment for her audience. "I haven't had the time."

"No," Knox shook his head, "I guess you didn't, out living your dream and all."

"Yes," Marguerite nodded, knowing that she had been lucky to have such an elaborate career with many different opportunities.

"Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and go back over my last year of high school. I would have done so many things differently," He shook his head, reaching for a bottle of sparkling water.

"I know," Marguerite nodded, offering to pay for the items but quickly being turned away. The two walked out of the store that she had once frequented quickly, wanting to get back.

"Can I ask you something?" He turned towards her as the car moved along, "Why did Neil's death affect you so much? I never asked, fearing I would sound insensitive. But if you only knew him for a few months, what happened that it had such a strong hold on you? You were never the same person after he died."

The words knocked the air out of Marguerite's chest. She had never expected to think about, nor be asked the questions she could only ponder in the back of her mind.

"I don't know," She finally responded. "He trusted me, he told me things I'm sure he never told all of you. He was multi-faceted, he was wonderful. He was a good friend to Blossom and I, and I'd never known someone who had died on purpose."

"What did he tell you?"

"Have you read Todd's book?"

"What?"

"The 'Chased By Walt Whitman' section."

"What was that one about?"

"Love,"

"Love?"

"'Poetry, beauty, romance, love. These are what we stay alive for.'" Marguerite whispered into the car with a boy she hadn't known in years. 

Knox mulled it over a moment, "It was all for Neil, wasn't it?"

"It was always for Neil," She said, looking out at the familiar trees, nearing Blossom's house.

"All that stuff was true?"

"Some, not all,"

"Damn,"

"What?"

"That's why you're so downtrodden about this weekend, aren't you? That's why Blossom's wedding crushed you. That's why I felt like I could never be enough for you. You love Blossom like Todd loved Neil."

Marguerite felt like she'd been kicked in the chest. Her guts were spilling onto the dashboard. "What?" She cried out.

"That's why his death affected you like it did. It all makes so much sense now. You both loved something you deemed unattainable, right?"

"No, no, you've got it all wrong." Marguerite shook her head, and the two went to enter the house with their bags. After putting their jackets down, they were greeted with many hellos, a few new ones now that Blossom's parents had returned, and the two retreated to the kitchen, putting things away. 'You love Blossom like Todd loved Neil' played on loop in Marguerite's mind as she did so.

Pouring herself a glass of wine, Marguerite stood at the outskirts of the kitchen, hearing Blossom laugh happily with the great friends she had kept onto her whole life. Knox trailed behind her, and patted her on the shoulder.

"Yes," She finally whispered, feeling like the air had been kicked out of her lungs. "I did." The realization had come quickly, and had burned with a pain of a thousand scorching suns. That had been the problem with no name. Not the force to conform, but the force to stop herself from loving her best friend. She loved her. She loved her, and now she would keep silent forever.

And as if the curtain had risen, Marguerite re-entered herself into the conversation, spending the night and early morning with them all; men she had known once, and a girl she had loved her entire life. Feeling everything she had was exhausting her, yet she had been the last to leave, hugging her dearest friend as tightly as she could. With tears in her eyes, she pulled away, not knowing when she would see her friend again.

"You take good care of my girl, Charlie Dalton. You hear me?"

"You know I will, Marg." Charlie smiled, and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "You don't have to worry about a thing. I promise you that."

"I love you, Marg." 

Wiping a stray tear, Marguerite turned, her cab honking her along. She had a train to catch in two hours, and a show in thirteen. "You come and visit me when you can, alright? Let me know when she's born, I know she'll shine like the brightest star in the sky. I'll visit you no matter what I'm doing. You mean the world to me, Blossom." With a last squeeze to her best friend's hand, and a smile to Charlie, Marguerite climbed into the cab. The driver asked for where to, and before she told him, she turned back to the two on their front stoop.

Quickly, Marguerite rolled the window down, throwing the late hour to the wind. "I've always loved you, Blossom." She called, and watched a range of emotions play over her friend's face. Blossom was transported to the night she had kissed Marguerite in the girl's car. What would she have done if she had told her then? If she had said truthfully that she'd loved her. If she'd stayed a moment longer. 

Turning back to the cabbie, Marguerite spoke, and then watched her best friend's face, tired and sad, but half in love with her, grow smaller and smaller.

Charlie had told Marguerite over cake that the two had originally bonded over their shared traumas, and had only started dating when they were both sure that the traumas couldn't ever come to fruition. Starting as a disaster, they had truly grown to love each other, and as they'd made names for themselves in their industries, that had only made them stronger. On separate occasions that night, both had said they loved the other with the power of a thousand suns. 

Blossom was happy, no matter what. She had come to truthfully love Charlie, and since she had always been attracted to both, and they had bonded over so much, it had been a natural progression. But she knew that her heart sometimes flipped for Marguerite. It was just how things were. That didn't mean, however, that she didn't love Charlie any less. She was ready to start a family with him. She was ready to begin again. She knew he was too. She knew herself and her dearest friend had some unspoken words, but they were never going to say them. And that was going to have to be enough for them both.

Watching the street lamps fade behind her on the way to the train station, Marguerite collapsed into her cab, the same feeling that had settled into her bones seeping back into her skin. "Can you take this street instead?" Marguerite asked, and although the cabbie grumbled, they rumbled by Henley Hall Theatre, nothing but a blank sign in the front, a display of what was to come. A chill passed through the air in the backseat of the cab, and Marguerite felt herself shiver. She knew that it was only the cool chill of the Vermont air in the cab, but something inside of her tinged. Perhaps she had always been the meek one, Blossom the braver. The overwhelming sense of displacement surged again, and she could have nearly cried in the random cabbie's car.

Hours later, when she was ricocheting back through the trees, she found a note enclosed in her purse, one she hadn't seen when she had first gathered herself to leave. Unfolding the paper carefully, Marguerite began to cry.

_Marg,  
Know that I love you, and I always will. You're still my star, and you always will be. I loved you desperately all those years ago. I still do.   
XX,  
Blossom_

Perhaps, if Marguerite had not been worrying about college and school and her own life and her own feelings all those years ago, Blossom's advances would not have been lost to her. However, as Marguerite traveled back to her busy suburban life, her dearest friend and soulmate traveled back to the other side of the country towards her own. When she would see the other next, she did not know. Closing her eyes, she let the upcoming sun and the train's tracks lull her to sleep, as visions of Todd's poetry replayed in her mind. What she would have given to do it all over again, as he had written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for all the sweet comments on this! i love this story and the characters in it and i'm so glad i got to share it with this platform too. sending all of you love during this new year.


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